WELL OFF BUT NOT WELL

Dear uncle,

This is probably much further away location then most of your problems. But I was reading your advice and it all seems to be good solid stuff. I would very much appreciate it if you would return an answer to me by email if possible.

I live in England, (yes, not exactly nearby) and have lived with my dad for four years this summer. Life has been in this arrangement since my parents divorced. When they were together they were violent and things were at the least to say, not good. I have an older half brother and sister, but they are out of the equation with my sister and brother in law currently residing deep within Canada somewhere and my brother and sister in law living in another town. I have a younger brother who is very happy simply plodding on through life, I am very good friends with him, he is only just 14.
On the other hand, I have been treated like a spoilt brat for the past two years and can no longer take it. My dad allowed me to have a contract mobile phone which after having a large bill on I was quick to want rid of, but he has told me to keep it, the large bills have repeated until recently I have bought myself a top-up phone. I have never really got on well with my dad, I find that he is chauvinistic and hypocritical. He treats other people, especially women, like they are there simply to please him and I cannot handle this. I have spent three nights last week trying to comfort a woman who he was supposed to be having a long-term relationship with. But he has slept with others in between, purely because she lives in France and whatnot. She has also found underwear of other women within his bedroom, and all kinds of horrible things. It is hard enough as it is, but I do not want to be involved in these problems.

Last year I also had a boyfriend who lived far away. He is the best friend I have ever had, and still is, but I actually finished it after being together for eleven months because I could not take the tension and grief it was building between myself and my dad. He is a nightmare to live with as it is without having him breathing down my neck. I do quite a bit of housework, and yet he insists that I do not contribute to 'the family' yet he is always consumed with work, women, and making more of a mess of the house.

I would much prefer to live with my mum now, there is far too much written already but I cannot explain many of the other things about arguments and such. I have spoken with my brother about his feelings on me leaving this household and he is happy for me to do so, and I would see him regularly and during the last part of my high school education as he is at the same school as myself.
I apologize greatly for the lengthiness of my email, I just wished to be extremely clear. I do realize that sometimes I have been a complete s***, and have apologized on numerous occasions. This year I started anew, and have made new friends, started getting rid of my material possessions and said no to shopping when he feels that he needs to show that 'he spends time with me'. Yet this last Sunday he has decided that because of the 'stress I put him through last year' that I must be under house arrest for 3 months. I am trying extremely hard to go along with this.

Please help me, am I being selfish? I just feel that I would learn to be more responsible away from this environment, and it may make my relationship with him a better one to have?

Many thanks, and apologies for the uncertainties within my writing, it is very slapdash. My mind is not where it should be.
 
Hannah

P.S. My embarrassment at this screen name, it is the only one I use at home and have had it since I was eleven. Oh well, kids will be kids, and I will never lose touch with my inner child!! hehe.

{Additional information requested:
Contract mobile phone = cellular
Top-up phone = cellular with limited use
House arrest = grounded
Graduates high school June 2006
Work experience in one of dad's companies.}

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Hannah,

Good points:
You write and express yourself better than most teenagers
You have a sense of being spoiled and materialistic.
You indicate concern for your younger brother.
You accept parental authority and want to improve relationship with dad.
You have some work experience.

Issues:
You are privy to your father's private life.
You counsel his girlfriend.
The parent / child relationship is distorted.

Okay niece, now let's get to work.

Uncleism: "Its not how many toys you have; it's the respect you have for the toys you have." The mobile phone did not make you dial and chat. That is all about Hannah indulging herself in dad's generosity and then being mad at him. You are a bright kid and know exactly what I mean. Can we have some progress in this area?

It is regrettable that you have so much insight and involvement in your father's private affairs. Dealing with your teenage years is difficult enough without the extra weight of parental situations. However, such complications can be character and maturity builders. You seem to have adjusted to your circumstances without feeling sorry for yourself and remain focused on Hannah's well being. You are tough niece and will be one formidable entity if you keep your footing.

Just on instinct I suggest you stay in your dad's household. For better or for worse you have stability there and your brother needs you. Without additional information, I will let that position stand.

This is a tough one. To whatever degree you can, put your dad's private affairs aside and work on a redefined father / daughter relationship. When he offers you shopping trips, give him the benefit of the doubt, spend time talking and hanging out. Uncleism: The universal motivators are reward punishment and love (emotion). Get as much honesty on the table as possible. Change fighting into negotiating. You must maintain total CREDIBILITY. YOU MUST KEEP YOUR WORD! DAD MUST KEEP HIS. (See, I'm fair.) House arrest and all other punishment becomes childish when conduct is bargained - his and yours.

While I try to be fair, I am going play your hand and empower you. Daddies have a soft spot for their little girls. I am going to make a bet that in the midst of all this confusion that you love your dad and he loves you. You can win a lot of power points if you give him a big hug, tell him you love him and want to be best friends.

Uncle Jimmy put a lot on your plate, more than most adults could handle (okay, so I'm buttering you up) but give it some thought, do what you can, and get back to me.

Okay niece; now get out and kick butt.
Everybody's Uncle