WALKED IN ON A FOURSOME

Uncle Jim,

I came across your site by accident while I was working on a college paper.  I thought you might be able to help me.  My school has free psych services but I do not feel the people there are very in touch with reality.

Here is my problem:
I've been with my boyfriend, Mark for almost a year now. While we live separately, we do spend quite a lot of time together. Recently, Mark's estranged brother (Richard) has come up to visit and has been staying with him. While Mark does not like to talk about what happened in the past, he and Richard seem to be getting along really well.
Recently I decided to surprise Mark and make him dinner while he was at work. I thought it would be a fun experience for Richard and I to get to know each other better. I have my own key so I just let myself in. To my horror I discovered Richard and three guys having sex in the bedroom! I quickly left without being noticed. It made me want to puke!

My question is should I tell Mark about what I saw? I really feel
like I should, but I don't know if I should or not because it could put an enormous strain on our relationship.

Thanks,

Sarah
                                   ----------------------------------------------   

Sarah,

Before you chose a course of action, arm yourself with some information and be prepared to "play the game."

[Uncleism: Life is a game. You can chose to "move your pieces around the board or not," but the game is ongoing.]

Everyone knows that real estate value is all about location, location, location. Few understand that enduring relationships are all about, honesty, honesty, honesty.

Why is brother Richard estranged? Why does Mark not talk about it? After a year is your relationship a fling or the real thing? If real, would it not be best for each to know everything about the other? Are best judgements made with or without all the facts? Uncle bets Mark knows about Richard's preferences. Sarah should want to know if Mark knew/allowed/approved of Richard's conduct while a guest.

Read the cards on the table or eat them later on. If this "house of four" made you "want to puke," how does Mark digest it? If Richard is just up for a visit, how did he hook up with THREE "party pals?" Could they possibly be Mark's pals? Hmmm! Uncle says this situation MUST be resolved. It will stick in your gut forever if left up in the air.

How to approach it: Vaguely at first, indirectly next - to get a sense of Mark's mindset. This tactic opens the door for Mark to obfuscate, minimize, or lie. Remember it is a game; knowledge is power; play to win.

Let me arm you with this: There are degrees of use and access. The owner has highest use, full time key holders have second place, guests have limited access. Guests having foursomes is not on the list. If you are asked, "Why didn't you knock?" Give back your key and walk away without comment. Mark's reaction will say it all.

At a calculated moment and in a public place, tell Mark what you saw and how you reacted. If this strains the relationship - run. If you are asked for time to consider - run. If he is just as sickened - good.

The college years are wonderful for getting an education, also a great time to get smart.

[Uncleism: If my image marries your image, we will wake up one day as intimate strangers.]

Honesty, honesty, honesty,
Everybody's Uncle

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