VALIDATION – DUMP!

Uncle Jim,
I had been single for a very long time. I meet a guy and we really seemed to hit it off. We laughed at the same things, enjoyed the same hobbies and always could talk...never any awkward silence. He is 40 and I am 34. We both committed to each other. About 6/10 times during sex he was unable to finish. He said it wasn't because of me, I always could please him with oral sex. About two months into the relationship he saw his ex wife whom he had a very intense consistently stormy relationship with. She was ill and he said he felt sorry for her. He wanted to back out of the relationship w/ me because he said he had not resolved his old feelings with his wife. A week and a half later he asked me to give him another chance. We continued to be committed for the next 4 months. We did all we could together. I always felt a little emotionally neglected and unfulfilled. I would buy little things and do little things for him, but he never did for me. we lived 3 hours away from each other. I originally had planned years before I met him to move to the town that he lived in because I had family there. Our plans changed my future plans. I was going to stay where I live now  and he was going to come down and live with me and give up his good paying job to become a RN like me. Christmas day I found out that his ex wife found out about me and had been calling him and texting him wanting him back. He accidentally sent me the text that was meant for her. She was  as he says in a dark state and the message said "please don't torture yourself...I love you always".
He swore if we feel off the face of the earth he wasn't going to go back to her. He swore he would tell her to back off and said he would do the right thing for us.  We then left for a few days down to san francisco. I had a hard time with this...and it seemed he was not keeping his word and telling her to stop. We got drunk at a football game and got in our first fight. He said he wasn't going to be rude to her...I was furious and told him that if he couldn't do that for me or for us to take me home. We made up and spent the next day in San Fransisco. We got back to my house the next day..we again talked and I told him about how neglected emotionally i felt through our relationship.and he said he felt like he wasn't being what I needed, it was unfair, he still had unresolved feelings and needed to be by himself for a while. In the past few weeks we have been talking and he has told me he loves me, has not even talked to her, and wants to get back together once he gets his head straight. He said I was good to him, I was affectionate, faithful and fun and great to him. But for some reason it wasn't good enough for him and he needs to find out why.  He loves me and wants us to some day be together again. Since I hate were i live and wanted to move to the city where he is (my family lives there i had planned to move there after college years before I met him)
I know if I was not good enough for him then I will never be and he will never be satisfied. I need to move on...but aside from a few things I could really see myself with this man forever. We were such good buddies. I am currently talking with another really nice guy who wants to move forward.
 But I just always find myself going back to my old boyfriend in my thoughts. I love him. He calls me and email me every day (my old boyfriend). I am just so miserable, and if I were to hang out wait and be the fool he will just do this to me again. I am so miserable. I have really not spoken to anyone else regarding details, please tell me what I need to hear so I can have the strenght to do it...thank you..

..B

Dear B,

I’m impressed! You already know the answer to your question but need that validation to move forward. You got the right uncle! DUMP HIM.

I claim no other expertise but I do know how men think. Their profile is almost universal – HORMONES, EGOS, and BABIES – until proven otherwise.

Let’s take your situation apart:
Hormones:
At 40 he is already a sack-dud. Find someone that is more dedicated to not only satisfying you but taking you to new heights. While there is always room for improvement in both parties, sexuality is a dance involving two people. You seem to have taken up the role of compensating for his inadequacies. (DUMP)

Egos:
Men are quick to brag about their conquests and capabilities, but rarely take the time to learn the required technical skills. They remain in the dark regarding the emotional needs of a woman seeking more than a hook up.
(DUMP)

Babies:
Without a lengthy general discussion, men often find themselves in a situation where they do not want to hurt anyone but are not strong enough to decide between two alternatives. Therefore you have to decide.

Lying:

Uncleism: [If you lie to me I won’t know who you are; if I don’t know who you are I can’t help you.]
I try to impress upon the young ones the importance of honesty in any relationship, but it holds true for all ages. Handling honesty often requires control over emotions. You made it plain that you can’t handle his on-going relationship with his wife, therefore, he lied.

He has lied on more than one occasion. You can elect to overlook, forgive, or live in denial – your choice. Lies beget lies; honesty is tough but is better in the long run.
You are straight forward; he is a liar. (DUMP)

Defining yourself:

Quote: “He said I was good to him, I was affectionate, faithful and fun and great to him, But for some reason it wasn't good enough for him and he needs to find out why.”

Uncle says, he does not get to define you. If he doesn’t like you for the person you are – too bad. Your obligation to yourself is to be the person you want to be. 

Quote: “I know if I was not good enough for him then I will never be and he will never be satisfied.”

Uncle Jim sees it another way – he is not good enough for you.

Quote: “But I just always find myself going back to my old boyfriend in my thoughts. I love him.”

You have an emotional attachment to him but that is not love. You probably had a similar emotional connection in your teen years – not love.

Opinion:

All things considered, get rid of this “buddy.” Tell him you need 5 years to define yourself and he can call then. Make it polite but final – a birthday card is fine, no E mail, no dates, it’s over.
Spend some time “liking yourself.” Get into the best physical condition in your life, and more important, the best emotional condition. A man once said “If you don’t like me there is something wrong with you.” That is the mindset I want for you.

You have another person knocking at the door. Establish some ground rules. Maybe he is just a buddy, a lost soul, or hormones on the prowl. It is up to your mind, not your heart, to set the agenda.

Quote: “I am just so miserable, and if I were to hang out wait and be the fool he will just do this to me again.”

That, dear niece, says it all. You asked for validation; you got it. DUMP!

Everybody’s Uncle

If you want to talk about this on my show – Saturdays Noon to 2PM (973) 575-UNCLE – (973) 575- 8625.