THREE YEARS TO DUDSVILLE

Hello,
 
I have been in a relationship for about 3 years, I love him, but I don't feel it's going anywhere. We see each other every weekend and sometimes during the week. Sometimes he won't call all week or I won't see him, he never talks about the future, moving in, marriage and he never says I love you. He tells me that he is not a lovey type, that's how his family was, but his actions show me.
I think I'm just confused at why he withholds communicating about anything to do with us.  When I don't hear from him, I don't mention anything about it and pretend it doesn't even bother me, because then the weekend comes and he's fine again. Another thing that bugs me is our lack of intimacy, he says he is comfortable with the way things are and doesn't need it as often, but along with everything else it makes me wonder where our potential level is in moving forward with our relationship is. How do I talk to him about this and what should I do?

Thank you,
Veronique

  

Veronique,

Here is what I tell my nieces when they show an interest in boys.
“Girls want romance; boys want sex.”

The state of a relationship, or lack thereof, depends on balancing those opposing mind sets. If we move the clock ahead to your age, the formula still has merit. You are looking for “marriage,” “moving in,” or, in a sense, your romantic needs. He, as is typical of many men, just coasts along.

You tolerate this dull, withering affair because you “love him.” Women tolerate abusers for the same reason. How can you say you love him but list only your negative feelings? Is it love or is it an old shoe?

Standard two:

[Men are hormones, egos, and babies.]

Apparently, even his hormones are fading. Not good!
Some people say that boredom is a form of happiness. Some can’t live without sky diving. If you can honestly accept this boredom as a life style – enjoy. If not, perhaps some tactics can at least provide information.

I will concede that men sometimes fall asleep at the switch but can be shaken into reality. Men also find other more exciting play toys, but don’t want to give up the old shoe or just don’t want to go through the breakup thing. Three cheers for your non-confrontational style. Why not use it to test old sleepy. In your best low key, tell him you have decided you need one month to think things over – no other explanation. Keep it under a minute and hang up (serves as a slap in the face). Tell him if you if you feel good about the relationship, you will call him in 30 days, if not – it has been fun. Under no conditions (except emergency) his he to call. If you get, “Oh, okay,” you have your answer in 30 seconds. 

If possible, plan a weekend out of town with an unattached girlfriend. Be cautious, look good, and think, “I’m hot!” You might find a new you, or maybe even – a new him.

You are being treated like chopped liver. Start thinking sizzling steak.

Back to me in a month,
Everybody’s Uncle