THONGS – BUT NO THANKS
Everybody’s Uncle
For my birthday, my husband and I invited our son and daughter-in-law to have dinner with us at a very nice restaurant. We also decided to include our daughter-in-law's sister and her live in boyfriend. I had met the boyfriend twice before having said hello to him on one occasion and made small chit chat with him and other family members the second time. After we arrived at the restaurant for my birthday dinner, my daughter-in-law's sister asked me if I wanted my gift from her live in. I said sure and opened a small package. To my utter astonishment it was two pair of thong underwear.
I was embarrassed beyond belief along with the others at the table. My daughter-in-law's sister asked my red faced husband what he thought about the thong underwear, only adding to the embarrassment. Since that evening, our relationship with my son and his wife has been very strained. I have always believed it was very poor manners to embarrass someone in public and do not want to have any type of relationship with this man or my daughter-in-law's sister. My son does not agree and thinks I should write the whole incident off as a mistake, since the offending couple are now married and we all should be one big happy family. Is there a solution to this situation?
CAK
CAK,
It depends upon how you define a solution. Consider the following before closing the door.
You are an adult; they are kids.
It makes sense to distinguish between “bad/intentional” behavior and “dumb/thoughtless” behavior.
First, assess the deed. Was it an intentional insult or generational offensive sense of humor?
Adults are the role models and do well to set positive examples. They pay dividends when the roles are reversed. What if you thoughtlessly gave a fountain pen to a friend’s blind, illiterate spouse?
As host you have a right to set party standards. As guests they have an obligation to respect your standards.
As an adult you know their generation has different standards. Tolerating their standards does not mean accepting their standards. Good communication and mutual tolerance helps close the gap.
You have a right to choose your friends; your son has a right to choose his.
If you decide that you never want to see the offender again, that will likely mean less time with your son. What is more important?
Your son admitted that it was a mistake (excellent). Do you want to put him in a position that will make his relationship with his in-laws awkward?
It is a fair bet that the thongs were intended to be funny, not an insult, and that a similar miscue is unlikely. It is also a fair bet that the offender regrets his poor judgment and that your son had some discussion with him regarding the event. Is it better to punish past foolish behavior, or encourage future thoughtful conduct?
If the offending party were to offer an apology, would that help? Your son could broker that compromise. You would look great for having shown “class” by opening the door. The offender too, would look good with an apology.
WIN-WIN-WIN! He could force out, “I meant no harm.” You could say, “Maybe, I overreacted.” There’s the peace! If you could get down to their level for a few seconds, give him a pat on the behind and say, “We’re even.” The whole thing disappears in laugher.
[If you’re not going to die in the morning, and it doesn’t take any food off your table, it probably is not that important.]
You have every right in the world to demand that the world adjusts to your sensitivities, but sensitivities are weaknesses - a good general shows no weakness. You can demand tribute or simply ignore childish conduct. One approach establishes battle-lines; the other attempts to remove them.
The only real damages are hurt feelings. Don’t let feelings toward a third party minimize your relation with your son – think grandkids.
If all else fails, Uncle Jim is happy to speak to all parties. I am Everybody’s Uncle but no one’s attorney. You already reached out. How could they do less?
Get it behind you,
Everybody’s Uncle
