TEEN PRIVACY - THE HONESTY BARRIER

My 15 yr. old son had been dating a 15 yr. old girl for one year.  The girl's mom and I have had a few conversations regarding appropriate activities and expected behavior based on their ages.  A few months back while the two were visiting in my home they were cuddling and lying on the couch. I put an immediate stop to it and told them this was inappropriate behavior and would not be allowed.  I followed up with a phone call to the girl's mother to let her know of the event.  The mom and I agreed that this was natural but inappropriate behavior and that it was our jobs as the parents to set standards and guidelines.  We chalked it up to them spending too much time together (long visits - 5-6 hrs. at a time) and not knowing what to do with themselves them being in an age of discovery and raging hormones.  The moms agreed to decrease the duration of the visits and to try to have some activity planned during the visits. I also took the time to talk to my son about respect for young ladies and what my values and thoughts were on the subject. My son continues to visit his girlfriend on a weekly basis (they live a distance from each other, so they only see each other on Saturdays) and there is always a parent at home during the visits. They talk to each other on the phone and on-line several times a day during the week.
My dilemma is that yesterday I was in my son's room straightening up things. There was an envelope tucked away, but visible. In the envelope I found a card from his girlfriend and enclosed was a picture of his girlfriend.  It was a print of her waist-up with only a bra on.  How do I react to this situation?  I am concerned for his privacy, but I feel that I cannot ignore this discovery. Please advise.

                                 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Concerned Mom,

If this is as far as their hormones have gone, you are doing a great parenting job. The fact that there is parental sanity on both sides is also more the exception than the rule. Cheers for all the parents and kids!

You have several options, each has a plus and minus:

1. Don't mention the picture. He might remain just as careless in the future and you could find additional "evidence." Downside - it will eat at you and worsen the "honesty barrier" that separates kids and parents.

2. You can scream and shout about how sneaky he is and what a so and so his girlfriend is. Might scare him but it will make him a better sneak and change things for the worse. Respect for young ladies is tough to sell when today's young "ladies" have little respect for themselves.

 3. If these two kids want to remain loyal and devoted, nothing you say is apt to change their "hearts." Therefore, use their heart-set to your advantage. They only get one day a week together (and that with parental supervision). You are way ahead of the game. Hormones are what hormones are, you can't stop them but you can run interference. Since they are apart six days a week inappropriate conduct might not advance as quickly as between classmates that have a go at it every day. Upside - you buy a week at a time and get to remind them of how sure they were of their undying loyalty as it starts to wither. Downside, parents and kids square off with different goals.

4. Break through the "honesty barrier." Sit with both kids. Let them know that you understand how they feel and what their hormones are all about. Replace delicate expressions about inappropriate conduct with some straight facts about sex and its consequences.
Keep in mind the three universal motivators:
Punishment, Reward, Love
The real Punishment is not parental (no car, no college, eviction at 18), it is a pregnancy with life changing impact.
Reward - more time together, as long as it is EARNED by consistent, negotiated, responsible conduct. Be just as direct about your family values, your house rules. Similar guidelines from both families present a clear path for the kids instead of the "condom" mentality prevalent today.
Love - TELL them that you love them, make sure they KNOW you love them. Show them you UNDERSTAND them and TOGETHER construct a course of action that is negotiated by all parties for the benefit of all parties. You can ask for better grades, chores without nagging, neat room as proof of self-discipline, in exchange for more contact  (maybe she could stay for the weekend if earned). Replace CONFLICT with bonding, agreements and TRUST. You can't always control what they do but you can ask for honesty. [Honesty is not always what you want to hear, it is what you need to know] Thereafter, violation of THEIR word, THEIR commitment breaks THE contract and YOUR heart. Kids don't want to hurt parents that love them, but yelling always says "hate" to young ears.  If they think you hate them, all parties lose. Win his girlfriend's confidence, she will quickly see you as a second mom - not easy to disappoint two moms. Not smart to be the biggest loser. 

Downside - requires self-evaluation, personal discipline, and tolerance for honesty.
Upside - teaches credibility, creates bond of trust, if it works you get timely grandkids.

As for privacy - it is earned, not by age but by a track record of responsible conduct. As long as I cannot trust you I will "observe." Observation ends with Emancipation.

As for the picture - have an enlargement made and surprise him with a display in a prominent place in your home. Let him suffer the discomfort of thoughtless conduct. Give him a big hug (no lecture, the laugh value says it all) and have him select a better "showplace" for her "art work." Let him deal with his girlfriend. Do not mention the picture to her parents she will love you for your silence. After the embarrassment, they will see you as more human, less zookeeper. You will laugh about it for years to come.
Look at the bright side. In our present day culture of digital imaging and E-mail pictures this bra picture seems like modern dumb kid stuff, not to be ignored but judged in perspective. If this is nothing more than it appears to be, you make the embarrassment point with humor instead of insult, but you win a million parenting points.

You sound like great parents with great kids. Read some of my other columns and enjoy putting yourself in perspective.

I look forward to your follow-up.

Break the honesty barrier,
Everybody's Uncle

I would be honored to discuss this with you or your son on the radio show. It might help other parents and kids on the brink. Saturday morning 10:30 - noon (Eastern Daylight Time).
973-267-WMTR (9687)