SPECIAL NEEDS BABY SITTING

I read your advice to "Confused" about a problem with a sister-in-law who virtually ignores her. I have the same problem. My sister-in-law does the same thing to me.  Currently, she is mad at me because I won't babysit her 10 month old son.
 I did agree to watch him, and he has a congenital deformity of his head which causes his head to be flat in the back and he one more than one occasion developed a "bubble" on the top part of his head.  Their country doctor insisted that someone hit him in the head with something or dropped him from standing height on his head. 
They said they "weren't accusing me, but know that it didn't happen at their house" and that they "were just saying what the doctor said". I do agree that they have a problem and are first time parents with nothing to go on but what their doctor tells them. 
Once they got to the children's hospital in the major city nearby us, the specialist told them after looking at a series of head CT/MRI/x-rays that of course, no one dropped the baby or hit the baby and that it was a problem with the fluid that is supposed to be between the brain and the skull that has something to do with the head problem he was born with. 
At any rate, I have children of my own and this scared me to think that they would "not accuse" me of this, so I told her I didn't feel comfortable watching the baby any longer.  That was in June, and she still won't speak to me. However, as far as the rest of the family is concerned, I am being "overly" cautious in stating that I don't want to watch the baby, and "what is my problem", "what were they supposed to think"......it is completely my fault for their inconvenient child care issue at this point.
My question is how should I handle that? I am expected to attend every family function, including her child's birthday and be treated as an enemy. (she will not attend ours even though they have been invited several times....won't return our phone calls, etc.)  Am I obligated to invite them or attend family functions in which they are involved?  Do I ignore her?
Any advice would be appreciated!!!!
~Thanks

(Unsigned)
 
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Unsigned,
Neither you nor anyone else has any obligation to provide babysitting (assuming no previous service was afforded you) for your sister-in-law’s baby. Children with special needs or sensitivities are difficult to place in day care because such facilities are aware of increased responsibility and liability. Therefore, relatives that provide care for such children should be given every benefit of every doubt when a problem arises. 
While you were not accused of anything there might have been some misunderstanding as to what was or was not implied. For your purposes, the city doctor cleared you of blame so you are back at square one. Your sister-in-law needs a baby sitter; do you want to accommodate her?
If I am reading this correctly, your sister-in-law is ignoring you because you refuse to babysit her child. Put another way, she EXPECTS you to provide babysitting and is angry because you fail to live up to her unrealistic expectations.
The logical answer is, don’t babysit.
The family’s comments seem mindless and probably best considered in proportion to how much babysitting they are willing to provide or have provided.
There is always the overriding emotional consideration. Families have to decide which “sins” are forgiven and how wounds are made to heal or fester.
Family gatherings can be good excuses for estranged members to meet under neutral conditions. This can be where differences are put aside and alliances are rebuilt or strengthened. It’s a judgment call. To whatever degree you can invite or attend, it is worth a try. Maybe the family can find common ground – maybe not, but at least you will be the better person for trying. If the situation has deteriorated to the non-communicative stage, invite their child to your children’s parties and send a gift to their child when appropriate.
That said - I would not take on the responsibility of a special needs child except short term in pressing situations or emergencies. Babysitting is an accommodation not an obligation. Neither grandparents nor in-laws OWE anyone babysitting services, least of all those that have demonstrated a lack of respect or appreciation for past services accompanied by “doubts.”

Everybody’s Uncle