SON USED COCAINE

Everybody’s Uncle,

What should a parent do when they find out that their 23 year old married son has been using cocaine?   Our family is so worried. Son claims he only used it a few times. 

Help!!!!
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Dear Help,

The good news is:
If he is not going to use cocaine in the future, give applause and support. Assure him that he is loved and that you want to be closer than ever. Lots of hugs. Focus on the future; do not nag about the past.

[Uncleism: Better to focus on good future behavior than punish past bad behavior.]
If he is out of your household and not receiving help from you, he has become his own person - an adult.

He has the right to choose his path, even if that path is self-destructive. However, you too have the right to do whatever you wish with what is yours. You can reward conduct that you consider positive and withdraw from conduct you deem negative.

Young adults often see parents as givers of love, service and toys. They quickly identify the parent-to-child relationship is a one way street, but are slow to notice the two way sign on "Adult to Adult Boulevard". Dare I mention that Mom and Dad may need care toward the end of "Retirement Road?"

Define yourself. What are you willing to deliver as reward or punishment? Are you emotionally driven to supply him with goods and service - no matter what? Could you handle losing him, his wife and your grandchildren (if any)? Can you adhere to a posture that has some reward and some punishment but the best chance of motivating your son?
Define your son: What brings the best response? Reward? Punishment? Does he honor negotiated positions?

Spend as much time as needed to understand both the situation and the personalities in play. Do nothing until negative emotions are under control. Do not take LOVE off the table. Do not take future negotiating sessions off the table.

Win all the style points. NO YELLING. NO PERSONAL ATTACKS. NO THREATS. You do have a right to withdraw all rewards and a right to walk away completely. Think and act wisely.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle