SON 16 WANTS OUT


My son is 16 and told my wife and I that he wants to move out and live with his grandmother. Last night he told us that he hates us. I believe he is frustrated by our house rules: Grades must be "C" or higher, No drivers license until he shows responsibility, We will
pick him up when he hangs out with friends by 11:00 p.m., needs to stay in band until he graduates, and must go to church once a week. I don't believe he drinks or is involved with drugs. We have provided well for him with clothes, weekly allowance and lunch money (he tells us he needs more though).   We have never physically or sexual abused him.  Please advise how to handle the situation and what to say to him.
Right now our hearts are broken.

Thank you,

Anthony
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Anthony,

I think kids are designed to break our hearts and many say they hate their parents. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that teaches kids all about their rights and nothing about their responsibilities.

Uncle Jim recognizes 3 universal motivators – Reward, Punishment, and Love.

The art of parenting is to choose the correct motivator for the child and the occasion. In spite of emotional conflicts you sound like decent parents with a good kid. Have you considered negotiation?

Why not open a dialog with some ground rules? Set a point in time in the near future where you will agree to discuss grievances in a civil manner. Both of you must agree to NO YELLING. It is difficult for anyone to balk when you are accepting the same conditions. You could offer some flexibility if he will do the same. What would he be willing to trade for 12:00 instead of 11:00? How about some chores for some additional money or bonuses for “A” grades? There is nothing wrong with being flexible as a parent.

Telling a 16 year old he can’t get a driver’s license until he shows responsibility is meaningless because “responsibility” is unattainably vague. Why not tell him EXACTLY what to do to earn a driver’s license instead of talking about “responsibility.” Stress the reward of responsibility instead of the punishment of irresponsibility (same message, better tactic). Teenagers want driver’s licenses – use it as a bargaining tool.  

The most important family motivator is LOVE. When was the last time you told your son you love him? Your tactical error might be trying to impose parental authority in the abstract instead of negotiating common ground for mutual benefit. He is going to be an adult shortly. What’s better, meeting him half way now or having him storm out the door on his 18th birthday?

If he brings up the topic of moving in with grandma, tell him that discussions of grandma’s rules have to be considered. Where does he think you got your standards?

Everybody’s Uncle