SISTER WON'T COOPERATE

Everybody's Uncle,

I have 3 sisters-in-law. Two of them I get along with really well. The third, not so well.  One of my sisters-in-law is my brother's wife. We get along very well. Another one of them is my husband's half-sister. She and I are more like sisters than in-laws.  The last of them is my husband's sister.  She and I, two separate worlds...
We've had our share of good and bad times. Bad times seem more occurring than good.

I haven't seen or spoke to them (them being her husband and their 3 children) in over 2 years. For some reason, she can't have me and my brother's half-sister (which by the way is also her half sister) in her life at the same time. I've tried talking, writing letters, phone calls, sending flowers... you name it, I've tried it.  Nothing seems to work.
A few weeks ago, my husband called their house to let them know that we were sending our niece  (their oldest daughter) a birthday card.  My husband and her husband came up with idea of meeting for dinner somewhere and talking about things.  My question is how many times am I going to have keep doing this?!?!?

Everything is fine for awhile and then it goes back to the same old crap!  I'm miserable and I'm not happy unless everyone around is miserable. That's what my problem is in her opinion. She however is the only one who sees it that way!  I have 4 nieces and 2 nephews.  2 of my nieces along with 1 of my nephews I haven't seen in two years.  These would be their children.  The oldest is now 8 and she's the same age as my son.  They used to be very close. The middle child is 4, the same as my daughter, and the youngest will be 2.  I have only ever seen her 1 time.

I have decided to go to this dinner to "talk" about things for the sake of seeing and getting to know my nieces and nephew again. I decided that I will just state what really ticks me off about them, (which is simple. they can't put forth any effort towards the relationship, They can't ever pick up the phone and call just to say hi, and they can't ever seem to say thank you for anything.) and then for the duration of the evening just simply sit there and smile and say nothing.  I really don't know what else to do.  I am exhausted to the core when it comes to them. Nobody understands their behavior and nobody seems to know why they act this way. Do you have any advice for me on how to go about handling this situation yet again?  There is plenty of love in my heart for all members of my family. In-laws and all. I just wish they could understand that.  Help!!!!
Thanks,
Exhausted

   May Life, Love & Friends Grow Like Wildflowers!  Bryan & Mary Ann, Dakota & Madison
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Dear Exhausted,

There are endless reasons why people do not bond. Unrealistic expectation of the "other side of the table" is a stealthy divider. Each of us sees life from a different point of view. Different economic status, education, life styles, and occupations are often stumbling blocks. Families that enjoy the great outdoors might not connect with movie buffs. Beer and bowling clash with ballet and Bach.

Your inquiry is a litany of personal discontent. The sister-at-odds fails to meet your expectations.  Cleaner homes, healthful diets, pets, music, cigarettes, house rules and personal standards parch their counterparts. We tend to favor our own choices and defend, if not impose, our priorities.

Uncleism: "When your mindset and my mindset are far apart, we will be in conflict at all times."

Right or wrong is often not the issue - different mindsets are. You accuse your sister-at-odds of nothing. She simply does live up to your expectations. She does not have to see it your way any more than you have to see it her way. She does not seem to be rattled - you do.

Adults do not have the right to tell other adults how to live. If there is no aggression, settle for a stalemate. You cannot force people to love, like or associate with you. You can try to meet them half way.

Good things often come with high price tags. Staying close to certain family members often means putting up with others.

Uncleism: "Learn to eat crow like it was pheasant under glass."
"When you have to give, give with a smile."

Sometimes great good requires great sacrifice; sometime just a smile (tactical if necessary) can win points. If you maintain a course of trying to get "her" to see it your way - expect more of the same.

When you say, "Nobody understands their behavior." Are you assembling a warring party?

You wrote, "My question is how many times am I going to have keep doing this?!?!?" 
 "There is plenty of love in my heart for all members of my family. In-laws and all. I just wish they could understand that.  Help!!!!"

Are you seeking martyrdom? "They" have no obligation to understand you. If you want to coordinate bridge building, step outside your self-concern. Try to understand THEM and find common ground. Maybe you will always have to be the one to call - so what! Calls are cheap; pride is expensive. Don't "go for the gold." Plan some family gatherings and maintain a truce. Sponsor a "kids" day, barbecue, picnic, outing, sports event, maybe the kids can bond and set the stage for improvement. Focus on improvement not conquest.

Crow tastes awful but can be very nourishing,
Everybody's Uncle