SISTER STRESS

My half sister and I share the same birthday but we're 5 years apart. I have 2 children, she has 3 Her husband hasn't worked in 3 years, mine does. She's crammed into an apartment; we own our own house. Needless to say, there are some bouts of jealousy and envy.
 
My niece will be eight years old tomorrow and I haven't seen her or my nephew and my other niece since May of 2003. The last time I spoke with my sister was January of 2004 when she told me that I was a mean person. I can be mean, but when you look back at all that I have ever done for her and her family, I would hardly consider it as such.
 
My sister-in-law and I sent our nephew a birthday gift last week from all of us and it has been returned. They aren't accepting gifts for the children to patch things up and he doesn't know who we are anyway. (I forgot to add that I have a half brother who shares the same mother as my sister). Tomorrow we are sending my niece's gift to school so we know that she has to accept it.
 
I don't want my children NOT to know their cousins. We all miss these children terribly and between my brother and sister and I, there are a total of 7 children. Four of the seven are very close but my sister's children have no idea who their other cousins are. It's sad, but this is what my sister has chosen for them.
 
As long as my sister isn't the center of attention, she isn't happy. She had the first child out of all of us and naturally, she was attended to left and right. When my brother married, he attained a son the same age. When I was pregnant with my first child, my sister & my sister-in-law were also pregnant. When my sister was pregnant with her last child, so was I. I went to every doctor's appointment with her. I called to check on them more than 5 times a week, I sent them food, I watched her kids so they could be alone, I cleaned for her at her house and we've lent them money. She never knew when my daughter was born - how ignorant and envious was that?
 
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is, is it even worth it? I can't keep putting my heart out there for her to trample on. I want those kids back in my life, in my children's life and in my husband's life - in OUR lives where they can be loved. Please give me your input, I'm at my wits end with her and cannot tolerate anymore.

Thanks!
{Unsigned)

                                 __________________________________
              
Dear Unsigned,

There are several Uncleisms that come into play in your family feud.

The Party Rule: "You don't have to invite me; I don't have to go."

"Don't look for logic where there is none."

"Don't let [his, her] bad behavior effect your good behavior."

"It's not what I say: it's what you hear"

Economic difference between family units is a breeding ground for tension. Perceptions are different. Generosity can be seen as showing off. Low performance individuals live in denial and self assigned victim status. Social chaos develops, divides, and conquers. All parties lose.

I accept, at face value, that you have been the "giver" and your half-sister is the "taker." I applaud your effort to connect with your nieces and nephews but ask you to see the situation from the other side. You appear as a bully with money and better circumstances whose gifts and assists serve as a reminder of status. You also admit to being "mean" but ask to be excused for overall generosity. The other side will use one "mean" act to justify all other negative feelings. You want to be evaluated in the bigger picture; she has tunnel vision. You see yourself as generous and accommodating with a dash of meanness. She sees you as mean and manipulative with a dash of gifts. [It's not what I say; it's what you hear.]

It is okay to send your nephew a gift, but once rejected that gesture could be seen as an apology for your meanness or subtle antagonism. A birthday card with a check will have a better chance of getting through and the act of cashing the check negates claims of antagonism. [You don't have to invite me; I don't have to go.] You don't have to send a gift and she does not have to accept it. If it is an irritant to both parties it might not be such a good idea. Do not circumvent your half-sister's rejection with gifts sent to school. Contact with children against their parent's wishes is not wise irrespective of golden intentions - don't do it.

[Don't let her bad behavior effect your good behavior]
As in the above cases, every act can be seen from an entirely different perspective. The ART of effective exercise of power or position is presentation in a style that is difficult to interpret negatively. People that have the "power" position should take the emotion out of their conduct. Your inquiry is replete with emotion - love, anger, disappointment, trampled hearts- whatever. Emotion tends to blind us. Best tactic - put your emotions aside and maintain a focus on building bridges not proving your positions.

Game plan: As long as she knows that she can use her children to upset you, she has power. Defang her. End efforts to contact the children. Avoid gossip. Send pleasant cards and invitations. Allow all the emotional smoke to settle for six months. With a cool head in control, try a very casual phone call. Maybe an opportunity will open, maybe not. In any case stay on the high road. As time passes emotional tensions fade. Many families remain divided for life. You can only control your side of the table. Sometimes one side has to let go because the other side is crippled by emotion. [Don't look for logic where there is none.]

"To be [emotional] or not to be [emotional] - THAT is the question." - emphasis mine.
Everybody's Uncle