SISTER-IN-LAW HAS DISPOSABLE FRIENDS

Dear EU,

I have a sister-in-law who has some growing to do. Over the twelve years of knowing her she has somehow been able to write each friend out of her life, including myself.  To her, friends are dispensable. She is an individual who can only have one friend at a time (and this friend is not allowed to have any other friends).  We are currently at the point, that if we see each other, we are cordial and nothing else.  I made a pledge to myself in May to call her once a week to just say hello and ask about the kids (my nephews), but it is clear to me that she would rather be mending socks than talk. Most of the time I leave a message and she will not return my call.  For a few weeks I gave up calling and just last weekend I decided to try again.  She had just returned from a two week trip to her sisters.  Her sister adopted a baby from China and I wanted to know how everything went and if her sister needed anything. This was the message I left on the answering machine and of course she has not returned this call either.

I have not confronted her (she won't answer the phone) to see if there was something I had done to upset her.  Mostly because I truly believe there is no problem. I believe the cold shoulder that I am getting is due to the newly formed friendship she has made in the last few months. 

I am very fortunate to have very many special friends and family in my life. I am an also a person who is very comfortable with who I am. I am the type of person to put energy into the relationship that are special to me and for those who are not I will be cordial but not much more than that.

This is my problem. She is my sister-in-law. If she weren't, I wouldn't give her another thought. She has through me, come into my circle of friends (half she has written off and they barely speak to her). I would like to find a way to resolve this conflict and stop giving this so much thought and energy.  I am not sure that I would approach her.  No matter which way you do it, it always comes across to her as an attack. I have thought about writing her a letter, but I am not sure that I even want her to know that this bothers me.  What is your thought on this? I would like to know.

Unsigned
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Dear Unsigned,

There is a tendency in most decent people to tolerate delinquent personalities for the greater good. Eating a small crow goes well with the milk of human kindness. Eating a giant crow that gives you heartburn is another story.

Your sister-in-law sounds more like a child than an adult. A philosophical way to deal with such a "child" is to think of her as a 10-year-old. You can elect to see her as an emotional 10-year-old - a whining brat that is more easily ignored. I call this the "Me Adult, You Child" defense. It won't solve the problem but it takes the edge off your negative emotion. Allowing people to know that they can bother you exposes a weakness that they can exploit. It is not counterproductive to arm the "enemy?"

The one friend at a time variety are not uncommon. They move quickly from an "infatuation" stage to a "capture" phase. When the captured "friend" starts to feel suffocated, stress develops. The bond ruptures and each moves on.

The song says, "People... people who need people... are the luckiest people in the world." Some times the need to be loved, needed, or wanted is unhealthy because there are control freaks that will dominate a weak personality to an ever-increasing degree if permitted. Loving relationships, wherein needs are mutually satisfied, could be considered lucky; but among my nieces, wise selection gives luck a helping hand

Neither seek nor allow EMOTIONAL CONTROL to an unhealthy degree.

You answer you own question when you say, "I will be cordial but not much more than that."

Your sister-in-law, however flighty she may be, has a right to be so. You have no obligation to be anything more than cordial. Your past tactics have not worked and there is no indication that she will negotiate. You can not open a door to a closed mind. Don't waste too much time trying.

Tactics that might help:
Assuming your sister-in-law is your husband's sister, do nothing to interfere with their relationship.

Her rapport with friends is none of your business unless it has some direct effect on you. Ignore it.

Speaking negatively about his sister can bring stress to your relationship. Back off.

Do not invite her into the company of your friends. Don't invite stress.

Invite your nephews over and give them plenty of love and attention. Let them tell their mom how great you are.

Do not write her a letter. [Uncleism: It's not what I say, it's what you hear.]

Words can be twisted to mean things other than what is intended. You will just create anther thing for her to attack

Good luck,
Uncle Jim