SISTER-IN-LAW IS A NO-SHOW
Uncle Jim,
My sister-in-law and I have never had a confrontation. Everything seems fine on the "surface" but deep down inside, resentment is brewing. Over the years, SIL has rarely gone to extended family functions. The only time she made appearances was around the time of her shower/ wedding parties. In the past year, I have had 3 birthday parties for my children and a few holiday get togethers. My SIL has not attended any of these functions. . My brother goes without her. I feel that SIL is sending my husband and I a message that she does not want to be a part of our family. My question is: Should I confront her about this? I'm tired of the phoniness while I'm in her company. Is this my brother's problem and should I continue to keep my mouth closed? I'm starting to think my SIL is trying to start a confrontation so she has an excuse not to deal with us anymore.
Thanks for your time!
(Unsigned)
Dear Unsigned,
I will reply to your inquiry line-for-line.
“My sister-in-law and I have never had a confrontation.”
[Let’s keep it that way.]
“Everything seems fine on the "surface" but deep down inside, resentment is brewing.”
[Deep down inside of whom is resentment brewing?]
“The only time she made appearances was around the time of her shower / wedding parties.”
[Okay.]
“In the past year, I have had 3 birthday parties for my children and a few holiday get-togethers. My SIL has not attended any of these functions.”
[Maybe she is not a “kid” person. Maybe she is not a party person. Maybe she senses some resentment in you and wants to avoid conflict.]
“My brother goes without her.”
[Maybe your brother simply respects his wife’s priorities. Maybe you should remain neutral on decisions made within their marriage.]
“I feel that SIL is sending my husband and I a message that she does not want to be a part of our family.”
[That’s possible, but perhaps she is sensitive to the fact that you want to set standards for her and her husband.]
“My question is: Should I confront her about this?”
[Definitely not! What you should do is make sure that your attitude toward her is invitational, not confrontational.]
“I'm tired of the phoniness while I'm in her company.”
[Maybe she is just being pleasant with a person that resents her and tries to impose standards on her and her husband.]
“Is this my brother's problem and should I continue to keep my mouth closed?”
[Your brother does not seem to have a problem, you do. You should not only close your mouth you should open your mind.]
“I'm starting to think my SIL is trying to start a confrontation so she has an excuse not to deal with us anymore.”
[Again, you are the one considering a confrontation. The only complaint you have is her failure to live up to your expectations. From her point of view, you are not living up to her expectations either. The best social policy is “DO MUCH, EXPECT LITTLE,” pay little heed to omissions, and turn the other cheek to minor transgressions.
You might do well to consider my party rule. [You don’t have to invite me, and I don’t have to go.] It is fair to say that we honor people with an invitation, and equally fair to note that we are honored by their attendance. I can understand your disappointment with your sister-in-law’s absence at family functions, but that is her choice. You, of course, have no obligation to invite her to future gatherings, nor do you have to accept her invitations.
The best way to change the behavior of another is to change your behavior.
If you want to attract people to you, be a pleasant hostess and stop telling other adults what to do, especially when it interferes with their marriage. In this case, perhaps an apology to your brother would be a first step toward improved future relations with his wife.]
Everybody’s Uncle
