RESISTER-IN-LAW
Hello,
I need advice on my sister-in-law (her husband is my husbands brother). In the 4 years we have known each other she has probably spoken to me less than one whole year. At every family gathering for the better part of 4 years she will not talk to or even look at me. Most of the time when she realizes I am in the room she will storm out of the room altogether. I try to be the better person and talk to her, but whenever I do that she will not look at me or even answer me, she has actually walked directly away from me on many occasions without speaking to me. On the rare occasion she does answer me it is always a one word answer (she still won't look at me), and she will walk away directly after that.
What makes this situation even worse is that this is really making my husbands entire family uncomfortable. They always notice when she snubs me, yet they tell me that I can never talk to her about it as they will never see her or her husband again at family functions. Also, her reasoning for ignoring me is pretty unjust. Her husband used to tell mine that she feels that when she met me I didn't talk enough to her (I used to be a very shy person). I have never ignored her or done anything to hurt her, or anything to justify the way she treats me.
I am at my breaking point and need something to change. Neither her or I are going anywhere in this family, and I think its time we learned to get along with each other. My husbands family used to tell me to keep trying to talk to her, that she would eventually come around, then they told me that her & I to just ignore each other, which also didn't work. I am now told by my husbands mother that the sister-in-law has admitted that she will not try to talk to me anymore, and none of us have seen her try at all. I refuse to live the rest of my life walking on eggshells around her, but how do I approach this? I don't want to make her feel like I'm attacking her, but I need to get my point across in hopes we can work on our relationship. Please help!
Sincerely,
Confused Sister-in-law
Dear Confused,
Life is challenging enough. Why waste time trying to figure out why people adopt unfathomable attitudes. [Don’t look for logic where there is none.]
“If you don’t like me, there is something wrong with you.”
If your sister-in-law doesn’t want to talk to you, let that be her problem not yours. There is an old saying, “She who angers you controls you.” After 4 years you have to accept the fact that this individual does not want a relationship. When people hold on to a mindset for a long period of time they tend to defend it. Stubborn? Thick headed? Who knows? Who cares?
We don’t plant palm trees in Alaska – won’t grow. Why insist on warmth from an iceberg? - won’t happen! Change your tactics. Put a big smile on your face and invest your time in strengthening your relationships with other members of your family. Life is a game. As long as you let her keep you walking on egg shells – she wins.
The family is probably just as annoyed with your insistence upon a relationship with your sister-in-law as they are with her resistance. Even if you won a truce how long would it be until the incompatibility surfaces. [When your mindset and my mindset are far apart, we will be in conflict at all times.]
[The best way to change the conduct of another person is to change yours.] As long as your sister-in-law seeks nothing from you but you seek something from her – you are the aggressor. Invest your time in being the kind of person you want to be. Accept that not everyone will like you no matter what you do. Learn the art of professional indifference – your heart can say “get lost” while your lips say, “good to see you.”
If you are going to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life because your sister-in-law doesn’t talk to you, will you become a scrambled egg when life delivers a real problem to your door? Fourteen year olds thrive on petty squabbles; adults do not.
Everybody’s Uncle
