OVERDRAWN

I am 73, my husband 76. For a year so our joint bank account is overdrawn by him every month, sometimes several hundred dollars. There is a $28.00 overdraft charge by the bank for each check. All I pay from this account are our household utilities, about $250.00, his health insurance $150.00 -- he has the balance after paying his car note of 183.00 to do as he pleases, 700 to 800.

He is forgetful at times (evenings when he's been drinking). I am not sure how much of his problem is related to alcohol or to signs of aging.

I have been paying groceries, household items, car insurance and home insurance out of my bank account which is over $150.00 month less than his. I feel desperately in need of advice, as it is difficult to live like this. Can you advise???

(unsigned)

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Dear Overdrawn,

There are several issues to consider:

Financial:
If your husband is financially irresponsible, steps must be taken before serious damage is done. Just as friends don't let friends drive drunk, responsible adults don't let loved ones cause financial chaos.

If you can convince your husband to allow you to monitor his check writing - do that. Unemotionally, point out his flawed history. If he does not respond to reason you have cause to use other tactics.

If you have a son or daughter that can bring positive influence - get help. If family tactics fail, contact an attorney. If both names are on the account, talk to a bank officer, sometimes they can be of assistance. In any case his overdrafts must be stopped.

Medical:

You suggest "drinking" and "signs of aging" as possible causes for his conduct. A simple non-invasive medical evaluation can detect the early stages of dementia.

Effected individuals have problems with day, month, and year, naming the current president, remembering a series of three random after a few minutes on another topic items (ex. apple, pen, necktie), drawing the face of a clock, composing a simple sentence, and many everyday thought processes we take for granted. Recalling a grocery list is a good sign; disorientation on a familiar route is negative. Early detection is important, there are drugs that slow deterioration.

Drinking problems at any age have to be addressed. Driving while under the influence can cause bodily harm and property damage. Check writing under the influence can bring financial damage or ruin if left unmanaged. Family, clergy, or group help should be considered if drinking is the problem.

Social:

You know your husband better than anyone else. Make a determination about how to approach him. An emotional explosion will worsen the situation. Gather your thoughts, consider all the above, seek help from family, clergy or professionals and proceed mindful of emotional elements. Love and understanding works better than condemnation and threats.

You have a delicate situation to address but you must do so. It will get worse if ignored.

Here if I can help.

Everybody's Uncle