Out of Control Stepdaughter

Dear Uncle Jim,

I'm a stepfather of a 16 1/2 year old girl who's bright, pretty and should have everything going for her. But that's where the good part ends.

She totally disrespects her mother due to her leaving her birthfather over 10 years ago. She says she "has no mother" and her "mother" was nothing more than an "egg for her to hatch." Her room is a complete mess, with pets, clothes and dirty dishes everywhere.

I've been paying her local phone bill but she recently figured out a way to abuse that by using 3-way calling and Star 69, neither of which are included in her plan . She can't even function to do simple chores like taking out her garbage or putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

All she does is take, take, take and never gives anything back. I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I've seen her continue to defy us. My wife and I are at our wits end with her because we really don't know what to do anymore. We've thought about disowning her, but don't know if we can legally, or do we have to wait until she's 18?

Kurt
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Here is a line by line response.

Dear Kurt,

I'm a stepfather of a 16 1/2 year old girl who's bright, pretty and should have everything going for her.

[Bright and pretty are tools used for better or worse. Con men and businessmen are often very attractive people that use their appearance to accomplish very different goals.

The Thinking Zone recognizes "the pretty girl syndrome." Pretty girls often discard boys because so many are attracted to their good looks. Instead of developing mature relationships and personal character, they simply say "next." Problem: when a mature man takes the bait he soon realizes that his pretty lady is entirely self-centered, and moves on.

In the parent/child paradigm, the same pattern develops. The child disregards the rules because there is no down side. The parent sees a self-centered child and, in effect, wants to move on.]

She totally disrespects her mother because she left her birthfather more than 10 years ago.

[No, she disrespects her mother because she can get away with it. Where is dad?
Has she ever lived with him? Can he control her? Is he in her life? If so he should reinforce the new rules.]

She says she "has no mother" and her "mother" was nothing more than an "egg for her to hatch."

[She sounds bright so we can appeal to her intelligence. Usually kids say, "I didn't ask to be born."]

Her room is a complete mess, with pets, clothes and dirty dishes everywhere.

[Establish CREDIBILITY! Create a common front. Lead by example. No yelling! How can you ask a child to control herself when she perceives you as a screaming maniac? Your own self discipline will serve you well in the future and provide a positive example in the current negotiations.

Order her to clean her room. Give her a few days to ponder your new posture. Put her on notice, "Either you clean it or I clean it!"

Unless you get cooperation, remove the phone, computer, toys, farm out the pets, leave only a bed, (better yet a sleeping bag) and three changes of clothes. This will get her attention.

Count the days to her 18th birthday (eviction day). Tape the number on her bedroom door and change it daily. This improves your self-discipline and reminds her without nagging. The new rules will confuse her but reward, punishment and tough love replace the unstructured parent/child war.

Options:

Call your local police. Explain your situation. A problem child is not uncommon these days. The police may pay a visit to your home and/or put her in a holding cell for a few hours.

Call her school. Teachers will go the extra mile when they work with parents.

Books and counseling are available

Tell her about Boot Camp, a military type environment that takes on the really troubled kids. I don't recommend Boot Camp, but it is okay to let your child know it exists.

Take charge! You have the position of authority, the money, the home and all the goodies. Let her know, parents control everything; kids are rewarded or punished according to behavior.

Make clear-cut rules regarding curfew, grades, chores and the attending consequences.]

I've been paying her local phone bill but she recently figured out a way to abuse that by using 3-way calling and Star 69, neither of which are included in her plan . She can't even function to do simple chores like taking out her garbage or putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

[As before, remove the telephone. She is ruling you. Take charge now! The phone is a reward. Do not reward poor behavior.

In this period of family restructure, listen for words of acquiescence. What am I allowed to do? Can I? Words of this type signal receptiveness and provide an opening for negotiation.]

All she does is take, take, take and never gives anything back.

[Take, take, take, is the natural result of give, give, give.

Jimism: It's not how many toys you have, it is the respect you have for the toys you have.

Kids have to understand that goodies are rewards not birthrights. Change the rules. Make them clear, and negotiate.]

I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt...

[What doubt? The kid is out of control.]

My wife and I are at our wits end with her because we really don't know what to do anymore.

[Try the suggestions and read my website.]

We've thought about disowning her, but don't know if we can legally, or do we have to wait until she's 18?

Kurt

[This is desperation talking. She is what you allowed her to become. Change your parenting and maybe you can save this kid and your sanity. Open every discussion with recognition of her positive qualities and a statement of your love for her. Admit that you have failed her with policies like give, give, give. Set forth the new rules.

TELL HER YOU LOVE HER! Tell her everyday. Ask for a hug. When kids are in conflict with parents all feel unloved. The Universal Motivators are reward, punishment, and LOVE. Use all three. Conclude every conversation with "I love you."

I have a one-question quiz for my nieces.
Q: How do you know when someone loves you?
A: They want the best for you (not them, you).]

Establish parental authority, crystal clear home rules, and credibility. Don't say anything you don't mean or won't enforce. Negotiate. Be a positive role model in substance (credibility) and style (no yelling).

Parental self-discipline with reasonable, negotiated, strictly enforced child parameters might bring peace to your troubled relationship. You love her. You want the best for her. Tell her. Good luck.

Everybody's Uncle