DISRESPECTFUL NEIGHBOR
 

Dear Everybody's Uncle,
I used to listen to you on WMTR on Wednesday night but I see from your website that you are now on the air on Saturday mornings. If you can address my following inquiry, shall I try to listen to your answer this coming Saturday? Thanks.

I am a lifelong resident of Pine Brook and am part of one of the town's oldest and best known families. I am a male, in my late 30s, and am in a committed relationship with my partner (also male). We have been together 9 years and we own a nice home together in a very family oriented neighborhood.

My problem concerns a next-door neighbor of ours---a very confident and unreserved married guy with a small daughter. He appears to be in his early to mid 30s and he and his family have been here probably 3 years. While my partner is pretty outgoing with the neighbors---including this guy---I tend to be much more reticent. We are both very straight-acting (that term seems to be a bit of an anachronism nowadays, doesn't it?) but my partner is a lot more knowledgeable about the typical "guy" things like lawn mower engines and gutter guards, and thus can engage our male neighbors in conversation a lot easier than I can.

Anyway, while my partner has probably spoken to the aforementioned neighbor a dozen times (or more) since his family moved here, I have only spoken to him 3 or 4 times and each time he was incredibly rude in that he totally ignored my presence. I'm serious---each time he has acted as if I am not there. When I first noticed it I decided to perform a little experiment and pointedly asked him a general question about something minor. Well, he replied to my partner, rather than me...all the while looking at my partner while he answered the question that I had asked! I was extremely humiliated by this and now see that I should have either called him on it right then and there, or simply left the scene; however, I did neither. Instead, I stood there--red-faced and feeling incredibly uncomfortable--and allowed the rudeness to continue for several more minutes.

Finally, after a few more episodes of this kind of treatment, I decided that I was simply going to start pretending that this person doesn't exist. So now, I don't see a house across the street, or a person raking his leaves, or a family walking their daughter down the road...I have completely negated his presence in this neighborhood. I can now pretend that I see right through him...and that is exactly what I have been doing. At first, he halfheartedly waved to me a few times when he saw me outside but now that he sees that I no longer respond, he's stopped altogether, and in a way, I'm glad.

I say "in a way" because it does seem very unnatural to me to pretend that a person who lives in such close proximity to me, "isn't there". My partner completely understands my doing this but he also says that most people, in my position, would continue to wave to the guy, etc., even though they couldn't stand him, in order to be civil and to keep peace. He said they would just be sure not to engage in conversation with him. But I can't see any reason to wave, or to try to "make nice". This guy was incredibly cruel and rude to me (a person he doesn't even KNOW, as he has never taken the time to speak to me, one-on-one), so why should I bother to acknowledge him? I am savvy enough to know that when he met me he probably took an instant dislike to me and that's why he went on to behave the way he did, but that still doesn't make his mistreatment of me fair, or acceptable.

Can you please tell me something to make me feel better about this situation? Please don't suggest that I go over to him the next time I see him in his yard, to ask him if there's a problem...I honestly don't feel like I even KNOW this person (he saw to that, right from the start) and it would be like asking a stranger that question. I don't need, or desire, a potentially inflammatory situation in my life. We have had so few conversations and my partner was always there with us when they occurred, so approaching this guy to find out why he was so rotten to me would be difficult--if not impossible--for me to do.

I try my best not to think about this, but I must say, if I am to be really honest with you about it, it's become disturbing and unsettling to me. I mean, I am almost obsessing about it! I am a totally peace-loving person...although I do tend to be shy, I am also warm and friendly. I usually like most people I meet and I always try to make people feel comfortable around me (I really, really like doing this). As I said earlier, I come from a good family and I was raised with manners and with the belief that no one is better than anyone else. When I was young, my father (who is my idol) always told me: "Remember, you're just as good as everybody else, but you're no better." I have lived my life believing that and have always tried to behave accordingly. I think I am pretty darn normal. I am neither a snob nor a strange or eccentric person, but this behavior is really doing a number on my self-confidence and the way I feel about myself. I feel LOUSY.

My neighbor's negativity has thrown me for a loop and I find I am really feeling hurt over it. Not that he means anything to me. Actually, I kind of dislike him anyway. He is very cocky and conceited and seems to be a very superficial and mercenary person. But please, Everybody's Uncle, tell me...do you think I am right to pretend this person no longer exists and do you foresee that it WILL somehow get easier for me to move about my yard and neighborhood while completely ignoring this guy's presence here?

I guess what it comes down to is I just don't believe in bothering with someone who is not open or accepting of me. But rather than being a phony, I am choosing to just nullify this individual, and while it sounds easy on paper, I am finding that it isn't. Truth be told, it's eating me up!

Thank you, Everybody's Uncle, for any advice or help you can give me on what has become a tremendous personal problem for me. Please let me know if you will address this on your show and if I should listen for your response this Saturday.

Sincerely,
Jeff

Jeff,
[Because of the length and complexity of your inquiry, I will respond in a "line by line format]

My problem concerns a next-door neighbor of ours---a very confident and unreserved married guy with a small daughter. He appears to be in his early to mid 30s and he and his family have been here probably 3 years. While my partner is pretty outgoing with the neighbors---including this guy---I tend to be much more reticent. We are both very straight-acting (that term seems to be a bit of an anachronism nowadays, doesn't it?) but my partner is a lot more knowledgeable about the typical "guy" things like lawn mower engines and gutter guards, and thus can engage our male neighbors in conversation a lot easier than I can.
[I live with my wife in a similar neighborhood. I have all kinds of neighbors. I know nothing about lawn mowers. I am always a gentleman. I never worry about what people think of me. YOU know where I am going already.]
Anyway, while my partner has probably spoken to the aforementioned neighbor a dozen times (or more) since his family moved here, I have only spoken to him 3 or 4 times and each time he was incredibly rude in that he totally ignored my presence. I'm serious---each time he has acted as if I am not there. When I first noticed it I decided to perform a little experiment and pointedly asked him a general question about something minor. Well, he replied to my partner, rather than me...all the while looking at my partner while he answered the question that I had asked! I was extremely humiliated by this and now see that I should have either called him on it right then and there, or simply left the scene; however, I did neither. Instead, I stood there--red-faced and feeling incredibly uncomfortable--and allowed the rudeness to continue for several more minutes.
[Constitutionally or not, people have the right not to talk to you, me, or anyone, for any reason. Uncle Jim labels this Silence the Ultimate Punishment allowed to individuals. Your neighbor was within his individual rights. But what about motive? MAYBE he was uncomfortable with you for personal reasons that are his to ponder. You would not talk to me on the air. Am I to assume you dislike me, disrespect me, intentionally insulted me? MAYBE you were just uncomfortable for reasons that are yours to ponder.]
Finally, after a few more episodes of this kind of treatment, I decided that I was simply going to start pretending that this person doesn't exist. So now, I don't see a house across the street, or a person raking his leaves, or a family walking their daughter down the road...I have completely negated his presence in this neighborhood. I can now pretend that I see right through him...and that is exactly what I have been doing. At first, he halfheartedly waved to me a few times when he saw me outside but now that he sees that I no longer respond, he's stopped altogether, and in a way, I'm glad.
[Bet you've heard the phase "passive-aggressive." Not only does HE not exist, neither do his wife and child, neither does his house. Like the proverbial glass, was his wave halfhearted full or halfhearted empty? Maybe he sees it FULL and you see it EMPTY. Uncle Jim sees your, "I'm Glad," as half full AND half empty.]
I say "in a way" because it does seem very unnatural to me to pretend that a person who lives in such close proximity to me, "isn't there".
[You are having second thoughts in the very next sentence.]
My partner completely understands my doing this but he also says that most people, in my position, would continue to wave to the guy, etc., even though they couldn't stand him, in order to be civil and to keep peace. He said they would just be sure not to engage in conversation with him. But I can't see any reason to wave, or to try to "make nice".
[Ever hear of the Hatfields and the McCoys, the Mexican Stand Off, the Israeli/Palestine hatefest, the Cold War? They saw no reason to "make nice" either. Will history note the Pine Brook Partition?]
This guy was incredibly cruel and rude to me (a person he doesn't even KNOW, as he has never taken the time to speak to me, one-on-one), so why should I bother to acknowledge him?
[He was exercising his right to not speak to you. Passive-aggressive at worst, cruel and rude is your take. Have you ever taken the time to speak to his wife one-on-one? Will you not yell to the child stepping carelessly into the street? You do have the right of Silence, but what does it accomplish?]
I am savvy enough to know that when he met me he probably took an instant dislike to me and that's why he went on to behave the way he did, but that still doesn't make his mistreatment of me fair, or acceptable.
["Savvy" implies a mindset that the Hatfields and McCoys lacked. My Uncle instinct reads you as a polite, articulate, gentle, peace-loving individual for whom Silence is truly as bad as you get. Both you and your neighbor got off on the wrong foot and it was down hill from there.]
Can you please tell me something to make me feel better about this situation? Please don't suggest that I go over to him the next time I see him in his yard, to ask him if there's a problem...I honestly don't feel like I even KNOW this person (he saw to that, right from the start) and it would be like asking a stranger that question. I don't need, or desire, a potentially inflammatory situation in my life. We have had so few conversations and my partner was always there with us when they occurred, so approaching this guy to find out why he was so rotten to me would be difficult--if not impossible--for me to do. I try my best not to think about this, but I must say, if I am to be really honest with you about it, it's become disturbing and unsettling to me. I mean, I am almost obsessing about it! I am a totally peace-loving person...although I do tend to be shy, I am also warm and friendly. I usually like most people I meet and I always try to make people feel comfortable around me (I really, really like doing this). As I said earlier, I come from a good family and I was raised with manners and with the belief that no one is better than anyone else. When I was young, my father (who is my idol) always told me: "Remember, you're just as good as everybody else, but you're no better." I have lived my life believing that and have always tried to behave accordingly. I think I am pretty darn normal. I am neither a snob nor a strange or eccentric person, but this behavior is really doing a number on my self-confidence and the way I feel about myself. I feel LOUSY.
[I can't MAKE you feel better, worse, or anywhere in between. Only you can prevent feeling fires. I can give you some "Uncleisms" that work every time.
"Don't allow his bad behavior to effect your good behavior."
Be the best person you can be. As long as you like yourself, who cares what anyone else thinks? Here is the mindset I learned from a mentor many years ago,
"If you don't like me, there is something wrong with you."
ASIDE - Your dad's quote will be repeated often with full credit. "Remember, you're just as good as everybody else, but you're no better." Excellent!
If you assume this mindset the Silence next door becomes meaningless. It is no longer "potentially inflammatory," nothing to "obsess about" you no longer feel "lousy," it is not "unsettling and disturbing" and your self confidence is at, and pinned at, an all time high.]
My neighbor's negativity has thrown me for a loop and I find I am really feeling hurt over it. Not that he means anything to me. Actually, I kind of dislike him anyway. He is very cocky and conceited and seems to be a very superficial and mercenary person. But please, Everybody's Uncle, tell me...do you think I am right to pretend this person no longer exists and do you foresee that it WILL somehow get easier for me to move about my yard and neighborhood while completely ignoring this guy's presence here?
[It is not your neighbor's negativity it is your mindset. He has a right not to talk to you and you have a right not to talk to him. History, not to mention common sense, says that can't be the best "solution." The situation will not only get easier it will be defused the minute you change your mindset.
Uncleism: Do not let emotions control you - not yours and definitely not anyone else's.
Our own emotions take us in the wrong direction 90% of the time. Relinquishing control to someone else's emotions tests the 100% mark. If you are doing all the "hurting" and he never gives you a second thought, who loses?]

I guess what it comes down to is I just don't believe in bothering with someone who is not open or accepting of me. But rather than being a phony, I am choosing to just nullify this individual, and while it sounds easy on paper, I am finding that it isn't. Truth be told, it's eating me up!
[A smile and a friendly wave is not being phony, it is a characteristic of individuals that are nice because they want to be nice even if the other guy is an idiot. Next time you see him, give him a wave and a smile. At best it may lead to a better understanding down the road. At worse, he bears the discomfort. In any case it puts you in control and you win!
Here is another possibility. Give him a copy of this exchange with an offer for a peace treaty. ]
Jeff, "tear down that wall."
Everybody's Uncle

[I asked Jeff to call the show because this would have been an excellent topic about self-esteem and tactics. He did not but sent the following]
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Dear Uncle Jim,
I really appreciate you discussing my dilemma on your show. I am sorry that I chickened out and didn't phone in, but I picked up the phone a few times to do so, and strangely, I became so nervous I started shaking in my stomach (?). I figured that was probably a pretty good indication that it wouldn't be too wise for me to proceed!

I DID, however, tape record your advice and I thank you for dealing with my issue so comprehensively...and compassionately. What you have suggested sounds very reasonable to me and I promise I will try to take the high road from now on and carry on with a higher degree of class (and maturity).

Please let me know if you have a favorite charitable organization as I would like to donate a holiday gift to them, as a small gesture of my thanks to you for your kind and levelheaded advice.

My thanks to you again, Uncle Jim, and now that I know you are on the air every Saturday morning, I will make it a point to tune in each week to hear your terrific (and mellifluous!) show. LOL!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours and all the best in 2005,
Jeff