MOVE IN WITH MY BOYFRIEND?

Everybody's Uncle ---

My parents are moving and I was given permission from my boyfriend and his mother that I could stay with them to finish out the school year and go to college in my hometown like I was trying to do.

My Mother says that I have to go live with them no matter where they are moving. I have a steady job that pays rather good money.  I have one more year left in school that I would like to finish out here in my hometown.  The only problem is, I don't know what is the "legal" age to move out.  Here I hear that you can move out at age 17 (actually here there are many things you may do at 17). I just have no clue if I'm going about this the right way. Age wise I mean. I would appreciate your help.  Thank you.

-Confused
 
P.S. I live in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

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Dear Confused,

Your question is easy for me but very difficult for you.

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do in life is to say no to your emotion of the moment, and allow clear thinking to select the best road for the future. That is exactly what you must do to avoid serious problems in the very near future.

Responsible adults are supposed to guide teenagers, not provide housing for their son's underage RUNAWAY girlfriend. Providing such housing against the will of her parents is either illegal, brainless or both.

Illegal and brainless aside, think of the position you put yourself in. Your boyfriend and his mother will rule you. What happens when they get fed up with you? (And they will.) What happens if your family does not want to take you back? You are out on the street. Does your current job provide enough income to pay your own rent, expenses and college? NOT LIKELY! What then?

Uncle Jim understands how teenagers think and feel. Mostly they feel - rarely they think.
It is a winning bet that your desire to stay where you are - is all about your boyfriend, not about school.
It is a winning bet that after the hormones play themselves out, your boyfriend will be seeking other conquests.
It is a winning bet that his mother is totally clueless as to the legal and social complications lurking around the corner.
It is a winning bet that you will become an unwanted guest in your boyfriend's house.
It is a winning bet that if your pursue this course of action you will cause problems at home.
Depending on your exact age, the law, and the action of your parents, you could be dragged kicking and screaming from your boyfriend's house. His mother could face legal action for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
You could get pregnant.

Here is a reasonable course of action:
Go with your parents willingly, (you might have to go anyway) they will love you for showing some maturity.
If there is any substance to the relationship you have with your boyfriend it will not only survive the separation it will strengthen it.
Concentrate on becoming your own person. Get a solid foundation that leads to self-sufficiency. When you are able to pay for your own rent, your own food, your own expenses; then, and only then, should you make life altering decisions.

If you have a spine and a brain attached, print out several copies of this commentary. Give a copy to your parents, your boyfriend and his mother. Two days later discuss all issues with all parties. Let logic prevail. This will take some maturity. Do you have what it takes or are you just a mindless kid?

Winning bet: if you go with your parents, within one to three months you will find a new love, so will your boyfriend.

If you do the stupid, this commentary will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Here if you need me,
Uncle Jim
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Uncle,
 
Well, right now me and my boyfriend (Tom) are no longer together and he made a mistake and started dating another girl. He regrets dating her because he says he got in the relationship in the wrong way. To benefit himself, not because he liked her enough. We still talk every day and I saw him a couple days ago. That day we spent time cuddling and kissing and he still tells me he loves me and he misses me, but it seems like to me he only does that when we have a really great talk about "us" or if he sees me and then misses me when he gets home or when he's around me.  My friend Melissa, who is "seeing" his best friend Matt, tells me that the way that Tom acts around them it's like he misses me being there as well.  He's so used to it being the four of us, that he misses me so.  I'm sure, or at least I'm hoping very much, that we will end up back together again.  It's just I hope I don't have just my hope left.  Help all you can, if you can.
 
Thanks!
Your Niece
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Dear niece,
 
In the name of common sense PLEASE abandon all thoughts of moving in with Tom.
 
Here is the chant I give to my young nieces; you might do well to repeat it a few hundred times a day. "Girls want romance, boys want sex." If you want to test this theory ask any female you know, of any age, how many times she was turned down because lover boy was there for love.
 
You write "He got into the relationship... to benefit himself"
You do mean for sex - yes?
 
That, dear niece, is what teenage boys do.
 

In my last post I said in one to three months you and he would find other "love" interests. Either He found a hormone satisfier in three days or he was "seeing" her while singing "Move in With Me," to MY NIECE.
 
Uncle Jim
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Dear Uncle,
 
I won't be moving in with Tom,that is for sure.  We do see each other every once in a while and we are both semi-involved in each other's life.  "We're friends, plain and simple", he says.
 
He tells me the relationship he jumped into with another girl isn't even working for him anymore, but he doesn't want to hurt her like he hurt me. He didn't jump into the relationship for the sex..with either of us.  He jumped into it to make himself not feel so bad for leaving me.
 
It hurts knowing that all I can be to him is a friend but sometimes I wonder if we continue this "friendship" if something more will come out of it.  I still don't know if I should further this relationship or not. I mean I love him dearly and he is the only guy I have ever found myself in actual love with, but the whole friendship idea just hurts so much sometimes.
 
I really appreciate your help. It feels really good knowing I have someone to write to.
 
Sincerely,
Your Niece
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Niece,
 
Make me proud. Move away with your parents. Trust me, hanging on to what may feel like love but is actually just attraction is silly if you stand back for a clearer view. Neither he nor you are ready for a serious relationship.

QUOTE: "He tells me the relationship he jumped into with another girl isn't even working for him anymore, but he doesn't want to hurt her like he hurt me."

What relationship? Three days? Are you thrilled that he didn't want to "hurt" her at the same time he was "hurting" you. He must be a very slow learner.  
 
On the air I state that I bring no credentials to the broadcast but I make one exception. I claim expertise in "How men think." Guys will keep you around as long as there is ANY SHOT at all of hormone gratification - go away or be used. All the other love talk and friendship blah blah blah should be taken with a grain of salt.

The next tune on his list will be, "Just Once Before You Go."
 

Here if you need me,
Uncle Jim
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Uncle,
 
I will make you proud. I am, in fact, moving away with my parents.  I just can't find it in my heart to tell him. So I guess I'm just going to wait until the day before to let him know.

 
I have decided today to not spend so much of my daily life conversing with him.  It just makes things harder for the both of us.  I will still continue to be friends with him just not as much as I usually am.  I will continue to be there for him when he needs someone to talk to, but I won't subject myself to depending on conversations with him to get me through the day like he is the only friend I've got.  Which, in fact, is not true. 
 
I constantly have many friends that call me but sometimes I just ignore their phone calls to continue talking with him. I see now that this is wrong because it is all I used to do when we were together. We're no longer together so I cannot and will not continue with these charades.  I've learned that I need to spend more time with my "real" friends.  Meaning, the ones I had before I even met him.
 
I've begun to spend more time with the girl I like to call "my little sister". She's been spending time with me at my house and all sorts like that.  Which, I feel, is good for me because it gives me time to get away from him and spend more time worrying about my own life, instead of worrying about how my life will go on without him.  The only thing wrong with this situation with my "sister" is that my ex's friend likes her and constantly wants to see her. Which is fine with me, except that every time he comes to see her (or at least the one time he has) he brings along the ex.  It's cool spending time with him, being friends and all, but I know how our relationship went.  We were, how should I say..well..CLOSE.  And it's still that way between us sometimes, which makes things much harder than they should be for me to go on with my life.
 
Well, it seems I'm just rambling on now. So I guess I will speak with you when you give me advice on THIS situation. (lol)
 
Sincerely,
Your Niece
 
P.S. Feel free to post our exchanges.  I hope that it can help other girls like me.  All I ask is secrecy of the names.  Thanks!
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Dear Niece,
 
I'm thrilled! In the not so distant future you will be happy about a decision that required maturity not often found in young adults (notice, I upgraded you from teenager).
 

Remember in all situations that you are dealing with emotions. Emotions are not logical and must be played with different rules.

Boys sometimes go off the deep end when their egos are crushed. Use your best judgement as to when and how to tell him you are leaving. As uncle, I prefer to fail on the side of excessive caution. If he has ever shown any kind of violence, protect yourself with caution. Tell him on the phone, then, do not meet with him alone. Weigh his reaction to the bad news. Put some time and space between your romance and his ego - until you are sure he is no physical threat.
 
Your life is changing faster then a soap opera. 
 
I am a happy uncle,
Uncle Jim
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Dear Uncle,
 
Wow, I'm upgraded! (hehe)  But on a more serious note: He's realized there is something seriously wrong with the way I've been acting. I've kind of been pushing him away because I don't want to deal with the fact that I am leaving.  And I realize that that is the wrong way to go about things, so I finally broke down and called him.  Of course he was busy (go figure) but he said he would call me back later when he got home. I don't know how I am going to tell him that he won't be seeing me much anymore, because it hurts so much just thinking that I probably won't see him anymore.
 
On another note..."soap opera" huh?  Well as long as it's not titled Days of our Lives. (lol)  I happen to watch that one from time to time.
 
I really do appreciate your help though, and I'm glad you're posting our exchanges.  I really hope that they can help other young ladies like me.
 
Sincerely,
Your Niece
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Dear niece,

A big pat on the back! You are growing right in front of my eyes. Focus your attention on your "little sister" she will benefit from your good judgment in a very short time. Spend more time with your friends. Eliminate the heart-rending conversations with Tom. You made the right decision, let's not lose focus in the end game.

Under no circumstances should Tom tag along with little sister's friend. That is male gamesmanship designed to play to your romantic weakness.

In the future slow down the pace of your soap opera. I noticed over the course of guiding many nieces that things change drastically every three weeks. Your pace is even faster.

[Uncleism: How do you know when someone loves you? They want the best for YOU. (Not them, not their hormones, not their egos.)]

You have come a long way. Keep up the good work,

Proud, proud, proud,
Uncle Jim