MOM HITS; I WANT OUT
Dear Everybody’s Uncle,
I live in a home where I get abused physically and mentally. My mom loves me, I know that, but she can't get over the fact I have a boyfriend and I didn't tell her. I mean I know it was wrong but I just can't stand the fact that she hits me...now that my boyfriend is leaving to serve in Iraq for a year. She won’t let me see him and he’s leaving in a week.
I REALLY AM FRUSTRATED. I am 17 years old and I still get hit and slapped. My mother is trying to change who I am. She won’t let me see my friends, she broke my cell phone, and won’t let me use the house phone. I am totally trapped inside my own house. EVERY time I bring up a conversation about me and my boyfriend or about seeing my friends she automatically gets mad and screams and yells and HITs me...usually slapping me over and over again.. I can't bare this. So I’m deciding to move out. I have a friend who is 18 years old, she lives on her own and she’s willing to let me stay with her until I get a job and finish my schooling. I know I can't get emancipated because I don’t have the requirements. And I seriously do not want to end up in a foster family when I’m 17. I have a place to go and sooner or later I won’t be about to take this kind of abuse and I’m going to get up and just leave.
I already tried getting family counseling...didn't work at all....my mom acted like she understand and stuff...but look I am Asian,.Korean to say. And my mom brought me to the US when I was 6 months old…the BIG problem is my mom HATES how I act, dress, my whole personality. I mean I’m not a bad kid she just doesn’t understand how Americanized I am and I’m not just saying this, the family counselor also told us that the problem was my mom was too traditional and is not willing to change...and I’m to Americanized to listen to my mom...but the fact my mom hits me is getting out of hand…I really can't wait until I’m 18 I need to get out now…I’m imprisoned...at home I mean I go to school but I have to be home right after or she gets mad...what she'll do is throw out my clothes items out the window...etc...
Do you I can leave? I mean I heard if she calls the cops on me the cops will ask me to go home but won’t force me to if I’m living in a good condition home and I go to school.
Please I need some answers I really want to leave without causing anything BIG…
- SCARED
P.S. I live in San Francisco California
Dear Scared,
There are several conflicts in place at the same time: parent/child, generational, and cultural. In The Thinking Zone, mindsets are set aside to get as close to the underlying facts as possible.
Some Uncleisms:
[Tradition (or culture) never made anything right.]
[You have to do what works.]
Within that framework;
“Americanized” is no excuse.
“Koreanism” is no excuse.
“Hitting” is not working.
Like it or not, parents have the right to decide where you live and set standards for their household (including a dress code and social activities). There is nothing in American law that says you have to be allowed to have a boyfriend while living at home. There are laws regarding physical abuse.
Uncle opinions:
Mom’s screaming, yelling and hitting does more harm than good. She might be testing the line between discipline and abuse. An occasional whack on the behind of a 7 year old makes sense sometimes; frequent hands-on of a 17 year old - ridiculous.
You were wrong to have a boyfriend; wrong to lie.
Mom is wrong for having failed to establish reasonable grounds for negotiation between parent and child.
Mom had the right to take away your cell phone. Legally it was hers not yours. Breaking it was purely emotional and senseless. Destroying one’s own property is the triumph of emotion over logic. This brings mom’s other judgments into question.
You decided that having a secret boyfriend was Americanism. It was in fact blatant disregard for house rules. You might not agree with your mom’s traditions, but you still are obligated to obey them. No one ever died of waiting until they were 18 to have a boyfriend. Check out the pregnancies among teenagers – very American – very irresponsible.
Quote: “My mother is trying to change who I am.”
Incorrect! Your mother is trying to mold you into the adult she wants you to be. This is her HIGHEST responsibility to you. This might clash with your Americanism, and her tactics might be totally wrong but you do not have the legal right or self-sufficiency to decide ‘who you are’ when such definition defies legitimate parental house rules. Americanism makes 13 year olds feel “trapped” too.
Maybe somewhere between Americanism and Koreanism there is Sanity-ism, where parents are less emotional and less physical; where teenagers accept that they are not the rulers of the home; where both realize the need for communication and negotiation. Parents would do well to recognize that kids should be transitioned into adults, not treated like toddlers for 18 years and set free. Teens would do well to appreciate the security of a safe home and realize that puberty is not independence while totally dependent.
As for moving in with an 18 year old – lottery ticket have better odds - read my other columns.
Uncle observation:
Extensive editing was required to convert your inquiry to the semi-intelligible text that appears above. Knowing that your text could be published in an open forum – why not use spell-check? If this is your level of judgment – I suggest you spend time acquiring writing skills, not boyfriends; marketable skills, not becoming the dependent of an 18 year old.
Summary:
Mom fails terribly for not realizing the importance of communicating and negotiating with a daughter that through the “hitting” still knows she is loved. Parents have the responsibility of being positive role models. Violence and tantrums that destroy cell phones and clothes get no Uncle points.
Daughter fails to grasp that the lure of boyfriend and moving out impedes a transition into self-sufficiency.
Advice:
Mom MUST agree to stop the hitting or accept responsibility for her daughter’s premature departure. Daughter has survived 17 years in this environment and should simply accept the house rules, keep a low profile, prepare to support herself, and move out when 18 (and self-supporting) with respect not defiance.
[People would rather be mad than be informed.]
[The truth is not what you want hear; it is what you need to know.]
Odds are that neither of you will like the fact that I pointed out weaknesses on both sides. Having failed to validate your position, it is unlikely that I will hear from my scared niece.
Nonetheless, in the midst of chaos, you always have,
Everybody’s Uncle
