MARRIAGE UNHAPPY - STAY OR LEAVE
Everybody's Uncle,
I am in my second marriage and will be married for 8 years. I think I knew right before I got married that it was going to be a mistake, but went through with it so no one would be disappointed.
During our pre-marriage relationship we had lived together, then I moved out and broke it off for a few months, I let him back into my life and decided to give it a second chance. We got engaged and married within a couple of months.
I had doubts within the first few months of the marriage, we argued a little, I gave in and tried harder to make it work. Around year 6 I really was going to move out, had an apartment leased and all, when I told him he fumed about it and said I wasn't leaving. He wasn't pleasant, said we needed to give it more time, I gave in again.
Now we do nothing, we hardly ever go out except for a few drinks at the bar, which I could do without. He works all the time and we haven't had any vacation, not even a day or weekend in 2 years. When I ask him, he is just too busy. I can take vacations by myself which I have done, but it would really be nice to have a romantic vacation together.
I am at the point where I feel I need to make a decision as to whether I should go on or leave for good. When we were dating we shared a lot of different activities together and now don't share any - his excuse is that his hip, knee or something else is bothering him, yet he won't get any treatment to correct things.
We are in our early 50's and I am NOT ready for the rocking chair! I want to have fun, we have no children living at home, we are not strapped financially, I work full time as well as keep house, and do some clerical work for his business as well. He tells me I am negative about things, but he gives me no ray of hope that things will improve in our relationship.
He has been very nasty at times yelling at me for things that aren't even my fault. If you have some good advice as to how to work out this situation I would really appreciate it.
(Unsigned)
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[Uncle Jim responds "line by line"]
Everybody's Uncle,
I am in my second marriage and will be married for 8 years. I think I knew right before I got married that it was going to be a mistake, but went through with it so no one would be disappointed.
[Marriage is the ultimate personal commitment. The "disappointment" of others should have been a non-factor. If you have not changed that mindset, change it now.]
During our pre-marriage relationship we had lived together, then I moved out and broke it off for a few months, I let him back into my life and decided to give it a second chance. We got engaged and married within a couple of months. I had doubts within the first few months of the marriage, we argued a little, I gave in and tried harder to make it work. Around year 6 I really was going to move out, had an apartment leased and all, when I told him he fumed about it and said I wasn't leaving.
[Marriages often come down to a contest of wills. One party becomes dominant. Successful marriages are 50/50 partnerships wherein differences of opinion are negotiated not dictated by the "boss."
Quote: "He... said I wasn't leaving."
Jimism: I don't tell you what to do; you don't tell me what to do.
In the military, we take orders.
In business, we accept pay for fulfilling orders.
In adult relationships we respectfully discuss, negotiate and compromise, WE DO NOT TAKE ORDERS!]
He wasn't pleasant, said we needed to give it more time, I gave in again.
[When people are unpleasant, walk out of the room, walk out the door, walk out of their life - as appropriate. He ORDERED; you OBEYED.]
Now we do nothing, we hardly ever go out except for a few drinks at the bar, which I could do without. He works all the time and we haven't had any vacation, not even a day or weekend in 2 years. When I ask him, he is just too busy. I can take vacations by myself which I have done, but it would really be nice to have a romantic vacation together.
[If you don't like bars, don't go, OR negotiate. We go to a bar AND we go to Aruba. TOO BUSY? This man needs a wake up call. Busy doing what? Is he a workaholic or a jerkaholic? You might want to consider a vacation by your self, a nice long one, in a "romantic" place where you will always be BUSY.]
I am at the point where I feel I need to make a decision as to whether I should go on or leave for good. When we were dating we shared a lot of different activities together and now don't share any - his excuse is that his hip, knee or something else is bothering him, yet he won't get any treatment to correct things. We are in our early 50's and I am NOT ready for the rocking chair!
[It won't make much difference whether you stay or go. What you need is a change of mindset. State your wants, needs and desires and force him to deal with the new you. If he wants a rocking chair, buy it for him - at the same time you sign up for tennis lessons and a trip to a health spa. Let him rock while you roll.
For his birthday give him a gift certificate for a few free trips to a Geriatric Chiropractor in a card that says "Happy 80th," (just kidding, but I am sure you get my drift).]
I want to have fun, we have no children living at home, we are not strapped financially, I work full time as well as keep house, and do some clerical work for his business as well.
[Go visit your children and flaunt the new you. That should be good for lots of laughs. Clerical work? Hmmm... bars plus clerical = Aruba.]
He tells me I am negative about things, but he gives me no ray of hope that things will improve in our relationship.
[HIS ray of hope? How about YOUR lack of spine? How about making some demands? You are his wife, not his Cocker Spaniel. Stop being a beggar. Happiness is rising above, not knuckling under.]
He has been very nasty at times yelling at me for things that aren't even my fault.
[Nasty? Nasty? You tolerate nasty? Yelling? Yelling? You tolerate yelling? "Nasty" and "yelling" translate into exiting the room.
Fault? Assigning fault is for judges and juries. Loving parents and loving spouses discuss and correct differences in judgement. In marriages, "yelling" and "nasty" solve nothing. Only fools continue conduct that does not work.]
If you have some good advice as to how to work out this situation I would really appreciate it.
[Here are some true/false statements that you and your husband should consider:
Marriage is a 50/50 contract, not a contest for superiority.
Credibility - say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Define yourself and make clear to your spouse, character issues that are not negotiable, things that are unimportant, and flexibility in gray areas.
In business, we demand respect. In marriage, RESPECT is given.
Spouses do not make rules; they set forth ideas for discussion.
We all make mistakes. A big mistake is assigning blame.
Marriage is a union wherein two people become one "person." Have you ever blamed your left hand for what your right hand did?
It is better to build a future than dwell on the past.
That which is unresolved is fuel for future arguments.
When emotions are control we say and do thing we often regret.
Negotiate when logic is in control. Negotiate don't demand.
Set rules for discussions - no yelling, objective mindset.
Work, vacations, chores, and responsibilities should be negotiated.
I believe these statements are true in most cases. Sit with your husband and use them as a basis for discussion. If you think those guideline have merit - great. Use them as building blocks for an improved relationship. If you think they lack merit, let me know.
Uncle Quiz: Question: How do you know when someone loves you?
Answer: They want the best for you, not them, you.
Everybody's Uncle