LOVE VS LOGIC
Hello, I am 18 years old and have been with my boyfriend who is 21 for a year now. We are very very much in love and really don't have anybody but each other. We both had falling-outs with our parents and don't spend time with friends because of work. We have an excellent relationship, we are both honest and hardworking people.
I am moving to North Carolina for college next September and we have talked about him coming with me, we would get an apartment together. We have lived together for about 3 months here. We are great when we live together. We both respected each others space and never fight. I feel 100% confident in this, as does he but I know many times young couples don't last and I don’t want to make problems for us. He is planning on asking me to marry him in the next couple of years also. I was just wondering what your thoughts were on the situation. Thank you for your time.
Kathryn
Kathryn,
Thank you for one of the most balanced inquires ever received. You bring both emotion and logic to the table for outside consideration. I will respond “line by line.”
Hello, I am 18 years old and have been with my boyfriend who is 21 for a year now. We are very very much in love and really don't have anybody but each other.
[Every 18 year old niece is either in love or wants to be. Statistically, as you know, the chance of a long term relationship (with or without marriage) is not promising. There are exceptions and you could be one.
There are two stories in a written piece – the intent of the words and the message of style. You write “very very much in love.” Romantic excess or spell check indifference? “Love check” your relationship more closely.
Why do neither of you “have anybody?” Are both families total losers or have neither of you developed social skills sufficient to maintain family relationships. Can two people from discord find harmony? Marriage is more intimate and more challenging. Where will your parenting skills come from? You can’t connect with your parents – all their fault? Did they fail to provide food, shelter, clothing and a safe environment or did they simply fail to recognize your free will? ]
We both had falling-outs with our parents and don't spend time with friends because of work.
[No family and no friends. I guess that is not important when you are in love – or is it? If, after the “falling out,” your parents are willing to pay for your education, I suggest a reality check on both sides. Your cohabitation is a declaration of independence. Expect nothing of your parents. They owe you nothing. A woman of the world would not accept parental aid under these conditions. I know you wouldn’t think of it – or would you?]
We have an excellent relationship, we are both honest and hardworking people.
[Society declares you a legal adult at 18. Your mind agrees. Your uncle has logical guidelines. Uncleism: First become your own person. At 18 you are not a woman of the world, you are a high school kid, soon to be a college kid. A woman of the world supports herself and sets personal priorities developed as she grows into her own independence. At 18 YOU are not the woman you will be at 30 nor can you reasonably project HER priorities. Therefore you have, at best, an excellent college kid relationship.
You declare yourself an “honest” person. Honesty begets honesty; I hope you can handle mine. “Hardworking” is wonderful but is not synonymous with self-sufficient.]
I am moving to North Carolina for college next September and we have talked about him coming with me, we would get an apartment together.
[You mean he has no job, no career, no established occupational contacts, and can uproot to follow his girlfriend to college? It doesn’t sound like he has established himself as a man of the world. He has not achieved self sufficiency, nor have you. You could play house in an apartment – don’t mistake it for anything more.
Uncleism: Infatuation can turn to love as long as it is not mistaken for it in the first place.]
We have lived together for about 3 months here. We are great when we live together.
[Uncleism: Emotion will take you in the wrong direction 90% of the time.
I am curious as to how a high school girl got to live with her boyfriend. I don’t doubt for a minute that separation from parental rule and unlimited hormonal freedom was lots of fun. Greatness does not come from leaving home at 18, living with a career-less boyfriend, in isolated circumstances. Self ruin often does.
We both respected each others space and never fight.
[Respecting each other’s space is the key to good relationships of any kind. If never fighting means that you have mastered problem resolution – I’m impressed. If it means you never had a serious disagreement - I’ll reserve judgment.]
I feel 100% confident in this, as does he but I know many times young couples don't last and I don’t want to make problems for us.
[I score you a 100% for that bit of wisdom. Therein you recognize the difference between what you “feel” and what you “know.” Personal empowerment is the ability to have the mind overrule the heart. Brilliant choices often bring short term pain but long term happiness. Listen to your heart but weigh everything I bring to your attention, then decide.]
He is planning on asking me to marry him in the next couple of years also.
[From your best moment you drift into pure fantasy. Men are hormonally driven. They will let you believe anything you wish as long as they get the goodies. Read that line to him. If he denies it, he is either a liar or a fool. If he giggles, he has been smoked out. If he says your uncle is absolutely right, compliment his honesty. No matter what he says, exit fantasy land.]
I was just wondering what your thoughts were on the situation. Thank you for your time.
[Thoughts:
Kathern is a sincere individual with excellent potential. She questions the wisdom of moving in with her boyfriend. She wants to complete her education. She might have failed to see her parent’s side of the situation. She might lose a family for pursuing a fantasy. She reached out for impartial counsel. She is statistically too young for a “permanent” commitment. She is emotionally too young as well. She says nothing of her boyfriend: his family, education, assets, goals, ambition, etc. She doesn’t see weakness in a “man” willing to follow a teenager to another location. She never considered the long term price of short term happiness. She might consider all the horror stories of young love gone sour. She might give serious thought to all of the above.]
[Uncleism: He who loves you wants the best for you – not him – YOU]
Everybody’s Uncle
