KIDS OR NO KIDS

Dear Uncle,

I love your website and your show. I actually can't get your broadcast where I live, but hear about it from family members who listen.

My question is about having children. I am married just over a year. My heart's dream has been to have my own family. Prior to our wedding my husband to be assured me he wanted children too. To my heartbreak he's told me in no uncertain terms that he's changed his mind, he doesn't want any children. He will not go for counseling, with or without me, or seek any kind of help because he says he doesn't want to change his mind.

I am quite heartsick about this. I feel tricked and betrayed. I could have been married a few times in my life, but did not feel it was the right time because I had to get an education. Once I finished school, got my first professional job, I felt I was at the right time in my life where I could focus on marriage and a family. I can't believe the one I've waited to marry has changed his mind about having a family. I'm crushed and am having a hard time accepting this. I regret now not having been married sooner.

What advice might you have for a heart that is broken?

Sincerely,
“Unsigned”
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Dear “Unsigned”

Your pain cries beyond your words and must be a living hell for you.

The best advise for a heart that is broken is to impose logic over emotion. You had the discipline to finish your education and achieve a professional position.Now, dear niece, you have the challenge of folding under emotion or triumphing over it.

"Tricked and betrayed," is not a mindset for a happy relationship.

Confrontation and resolution is required. Either you can accept his new posture or you can not. If you can not, go to the table immediately. If "trick and betrayed" is a time bomb that will explode, defuse it now. If no resolution is possible, it is time to cut your loses and start the rebuilding process.

Examine your religious, family and personal values. If nothing in that framework prohibits separation, annulment, or divorce, confront him with that reality. If you see any potential for violence in the man, do this from a safe distance. Just as he changed from pro-kids to no kids, he may change from passive to aggressive - assess and be cautious.

[Jimism: If my mindset and your mindset are so far apart, we will be in conflict at all times.]

You are consistent; he is inconsistent - totally different mindsets. How do you build a relationship with an individual that changes dramatically overnight? Could you work successfully for a company that gave you a new job description every day? Will you be painting fine strokes on canvas or planting flowers in concrete?

[Jimism: Q: How do you know if someone loves you? A: They want the best for you.]

Listen to the voices of those who love you. They do not have your emotional baggage. Get outside your own emotions as best you can. Look at the bigger picture - focus and resolve now, or flutter and disintegrate later.

You are young, educated, employed and self-sufficient. You have had several opportunities for marriage. You are your own person. You are highly "marketable." Don't let anyone force their whimsical priorities over your life forged personal values.

The song says, "You gotta know when to hold them; know when to fold them ." Not Uncle Jim or anyone else can make the decision for you.

Keep in touch,

Uncle Jim