JAKE OR SNAKE
Dear Everybody's Uncle,
My husband, "Jake", and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years and married for almost one of those years. Just prior to meeting me, he was in a much longer "engaged" relationship with "Vera"--they never married. Vera sold her home and left her siblings and parents in a far-away state and moved to Jake's state when they first met. Therefore, Vera was financially and emotionally dependent on Jake for everything for a long time. They had no children. In the end, Vera moved out.
Jake never told Vera we were engaged until just before the marriage, when Vera surprised him with a visit at work. No doubt he felt guilty. Since then, she has called Jake, and he speaks with her and calls her back, at least once a month. She asks him for favors. When he told her of his upcoming marriage, she told him she had been feeling suicidal and that she has a physical problem too--but wouldn't tell him what. She has sold her local home, her local business, and her car. Apparently, she is purposeless at this time. I have tried to talk calmly to Jake about how his maintaining a relationship with Vera makes me feel, about why she is calling, and about the nature of his current relationship with her. Jake insists they are just friends now. He says he "will always love her", but he is not "in love with her". He says he will only tell me what is going on with her "when I need to know." He says that it is not normal for me to object to this relationship or to ask questions.
But after he talks with her, he is always moody towards me. I am anxious about the possibility of him seeing her, even as "friends" (and I feel sure Vera has this in mind, hence the favors she asks of him.) I am not enthusiastic about his even talking with her.
I am sure that Vera is just lonely (though she now has a local network of friends), and I know Jake would not have loved her if she were not a good person. So I was considering writing to her in a very reasonable tone, asking her to think more carefully--as his "friend"--about the impact that her maintaining a relationship with my husband will have on her, on him, and on his new relationship with me. I do not feel it is healthy for exes to maintain this type of contact where it is not necessary. I do not do so, and have told my ex that I do not feel right about talking to him or seeing him ever again, although the occasional email regarding momentous events is acceptable. I realize that this may have no effect on Vera’s behavior, as she may indeed be trying to "keep the flame alive".
Would writing to her be ok, or do you think more harm than good would come of it? Am I being too controlling or intrusive? Any other ideas?
--Worried Wife
Dear WW,
I hate to be a traitor to my gender but as your “uncle” I have to put honesty above allegiance.
I admire your very measured assessment of the situation and the focus to reach out for an objective male opinion. Start with the assumption that [men are hormones, egos, and babies] and that [females are emotions, emotions and emotions].
Vera had her chance. She moved out, sold her home, business, and car (very emotional) but instead of moving home she stayed – why?
“Jake never told Vera we were engaged until just before the marriage.”
“Vera surprised him with a visit at work.”
Must have been a very pleasant surprise; they have been in touch ever since.
“No doubt he felt guilty.”
My guess would be uncomfortable seeking wiggle room.
“Since then, she has called Jake, and he speaks with her and calls her back, at least once a month.”
Let’s see… once a week is less then once a month…once a day is less then once a month…once an hour is less then once a month. I’ll bet the number of calls is in there somewhere.
“She asks him for favors.”
Of course, being a great guy, he gets no favors in return.
“When he told her of his upcoming marriage, she told him she had been feeling suicidal.”
“Obviously she thought the best way to deal with her suicidal inclination was to visit Jake for some comfort.”
Of course, being a great guy, he gave her some comfort.
“I have tried to talk calmly to Jake about how his maintaining a relationship with Vera makes me feel.”
Seems he has more feelings for her feelings than for your feelings. That’s my feeling.
“Jake insists they are just friends now. He says he "will always love her", but he is not "in love with her".”
I totally believe he is not in love with her. But it is not about love - it is about hormones.
“He says he will only tell me what is going on with her ‘when I need to know.’
In the world according to Uncle Jimmy, children are told what they need to know, when they need do know it – NOT WIVES! Adults (wives included) are entitled to make their own determinations about what they NEED. However, if YOU elect the submissive wife role, I suggest neither asking nor thinking about Jake’s involvement with lingering ex-bed mates.
“He says that it is not normal for me to object to this relationship or to ask questions.”
He might be right. Many wives would be on the brink of hysteria if their husband of one year told them that “Vera” was not up for discussion. Lorena Bobbitt might have over-reacted; you might be closer to the under –reactive, living-in-denial camp.
“But after he talks with her, he is always moody towards me.”
Hmmmmm, is he moody after he talks to other “friends” or just her?
“I am sure that Vera is just lonely”
I am glad you are sure; I’m not.
“I know Jake would not have loved her if she were not a good person.”
I know men would not go to Hooters if it were not for the good food.
“I was considering writing to her in a very reasonable tone… I do not feel it is healthy for exes to maintain this type of contact where it is not necessary.”
Webster should add your name to the definition of REASONABLE in all future dictionaries. How do you feel about playing with fire in a dynamite field?
“I … have told my ex that I do not feel right about talking to him or seeing him ever again.”
Just a wild guess here - you have slightly different personal standards than Jake has. How about a hypothetical test case or two?
A. Call, or better yet, drop in on your ex at work. Tell him you need a favor and that you will only tell your husband what he needs to know. See if you detect any hormonal aspect in his response.
B. Tell Jake you think his “when and what” standard makes sense to you and will implemented it forthwith. Tell Jake your ex asked you to provide some comfort for him. (Jake knows he is a good person or you would not have loved him.) And you will provide him with much needed comfort the nature of which will be discussed ONLY when you decide “when and what” Jake needs to know.
That sounds fair and balanced to me. Ask Jake to point out the imbalance.
“[Vera) may indeed be trying to "keep the flame alive".
I called Vegas and asked to bet the ranch on it but they are not taking bets on that or whether night follows day.
“Would writing to her be ok, or do you think more harm than good would come of it?”
She is not the problem Jake is. Writing to Vera is not advised. However, if you do decide to contact her, send a copy of your wedding picture inscribed, “You were not invited – not then, not now.” Don’t mail it. Have Jake hand it to her at their next comfort conference.
“Am I being too controlling or intrusive?”
No, but you might have gotten that message already.
“Any other ideas?”
Niece, I apologize for the light-hearted approach to a serious inquiry but you have a tolerance level unseen in my experience. Based on being a male, having worked with males and mentoring many “nephews,” I conclude firmly that males are hormonally driven. I suggest you do some reading on understanding the male view of life. My response above employs humor with an underlying message that would be difficult to equal in an entirely serious reply.
Show Jake this response. It might stimulate some interesting discussion.
Everybody’s Uncle
