I WANT TO BE FREE

[Tactfully edited to retain character.]


It's my first time here in your column and I'm not really good in English - I'm Asian. I just forced myself to write here, just to ask a few questions. I am 25 years old, married for 1 year and 10 months in civil and one year in the church. I am with my husband abroad, he is an engineer and I'm here at home take care for my baby, he is a boy 15 months old.

The situation here is that I am feeling boring with my life with my routine every day. I stay at home all the day, and when my husband come at home we will go out for a while and come back home. That's all we do every day and weeks. We stay in a province [with] not so many big shopping mall where we can relax or go shopping.

I am an outgoing person, love adventure, and like meeting other people. I like to go out with friends, nightlife and most of all love to wear a sexy dress and fashion. That's the only way can make me happy and comfortable. But my problem is my husband don't really like it, he hates the way I dress ever since when we were not married and that is the cause sometimes of our fight. And one more thing, he don't like my friends, he don't like when I talked with someone especially guys. And that is my problem to him he cannot understand my nature, he cannot understand my ways. He wanted to change my life, myself like their lifestyle. And I try to do it already especially the dress but I can't do, I can't help myself. How many times I've done it but only 2 - 3 months I come back to who I am . And I ask him or please him to accept the way I do to myself, the way I am happy and comfortable. Because I don't want to wear [clothing] like an old woman, I love to fixed myself always. And now the times comes that I am already unhappy and feel regret why I get marriage too early and too young. I am not yet finish of being single and alone, and I wanted to be single again. Wanted to find myself, my needs, my desire, my dreams, my plans, wanted to be free again. If I'll be given a chance, but I am afraid because I don't have work never to have a job and I want my baby. So, please help me what should I do? I am tired of myself being like this always, and I wanted to help my family, my brothers to go in college and my
niece, nephew, grandmother, many people need my help. But how can I help them, because I don't have work. Can you please help me what to do with my life. Because my husband also help [his] family he is a breadwinner. Please give me an advice what to do.
Hope to hear from you.byeeeeeeeee

Chelle
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Chelle,

I will try to keep this answer in very simple words and free form so that you will be able to understand.

You have made many poor judgements.

Uncle priorities:

Define yourself:
Understand your own likes and dislikes and how important each is to you. To do this you must stand away from your culture, religion, traditions and family

rules. You don't have to give them up, but you do have to step away and look closely at what you want to be.

Become your own person:
You must be able to totally support yourself - shelter, food, clothing, car - everything you need and want. Then, and only then, should you consider marriage.
Otherwise the person that supports you owns you. Think - if he has all the income he will make all the rules.

Marry someone who thinks the same way you do:
People from a different culture, religion, country, or tradition have a totally different way of thinking. Men are often taught that they rule the marriage. Their wives

are more possessions than equals. They believe they can make all the rules. Wives are there to satisfy their needs, have children, clean house, say nothing,

and do what they are told.

He could not tell you this before he married you because he didn't know it himself. He is a product of his culture; in his mind he is right. You are a product of

your culture and you think he is wrong. If you are not over the sexy dress part of your life, why did you get married and have a baby? Was it to have a boy that

will grow up to be just like his father?

Now you have a baby, no job, and a man that owns you. You are unhappy and so is he. But he has all the income, all the power, and is the ruler. You have

nothing. The fight will continue. You have already tried to dress as ordered. He will insist, if you can do it for a couple of months you can do it for life. Other

demands will follow. Every time you give in he becomes stronger, bolder and stupider. Has he hit you yet? Threatened to take away your baby? Don't be

surprised - it is very common.

What to do:

If you are in a country where women have no rights, remain silent until you and your baby are in a safe location. If you are not in a country where women have

no rights - don't go there. If you do, you will find that the government agrees with him and will help him - not you. Use the Internet to gather information about

services that are available to women in your situation. He will, of course, forbid you from using the computer. If and when he does this you are in very serious

trouble.

If you decide that you are going to fight:

You will need family, friends, money, information, and any help available from civil or church groups. Gather what you can; go along with what you must. Make a

plan and stick to it. Do not fight with him; do not tell him what you are going to do. Threats of action will only make him watch you closer than he does.

Emotion, hormones, fantasy and money are facts of life to be recognized and put in proper order. Mature compatibility seems to be lowest priority when it

should be the highest.

You cannot escape to the single life style you want. You can define yourself and try to become your own person. It will take effort and focus but if you succeed

you will be stronger and wiser. Forget sexy and single. Think mother and mature.

Everybody's Uncle