I DON’T; YOU CAN’T; SO DON’T ASK
Hi Uncle,
I have a question regarding a recent boyfriend. We met at work and after knowing each other for two months we started going out. After the second week going out he asked me if I wanted to "do it" with him. I said no I wasn't ready, I'm only 16. After 3 months he dumped me because somebody told him I was cheating on him (he considered flirting cheating), but we kept talking and e-mailing each other.
Then, 2 weeks later, we got back together telling me he was stupid and that he loved me. A while later he asked me the same question and I said "no not until I'm married" but he kept asking after that anyways, about 5 times more. But I didn’t mind, after all I thought he was so sweet since he would buy me things and even had the dashboard cover in his car to say my name and he said that at 6 months he was going to tattoo my name on his chest. And all his belts and jewelry had my initials on them.
So we went out for another 2 months when I got the idea of texting him (using my cousin’s phone) and pretend I was another girl that liked him, to see if he was honest. So one of the first questions I asked him was if he had a girlfriend and he said "maybe" then he asked me for a picture. That same day he did tell me about it he just wasn’t too detailed on what he said. I told him it bothered me that he talked to her so he stopped for a while. But 2 weeks later I texted him again and he started talking to me. So after we did that for 2 weeks - I finally told him about it. He said that it was normal to ask for pictures. Then he kept asking "what’s gonna happen". I didn't plan on breaking up with him but he asked me if I trusted him and I said no so he said that he couldn’t be comfortable being with me if I didn’t trust him. Then he e-mailed the next day saying thank you for the good times and that maybe this way my friend and aunt will be happy (they didn’t like him) but that what goes around comes around. I haven’t written back but I really want to and I'm wondering if I made a mistake. Its not like they ever met they were just talking, right? I don't know what to do I really like him and everybody tells me he's really sad I just don't know if I should get back with him or e-mail him or call or something. He said he loved me and never felt like this about anyone else before, we even talked about getting married and having a baby. I just don't know what to do anymore. Would you please help me? Thanks!
(Unsigned)
Niece,
You sound like a dream kid!
I am impressed by your judgment, honesty, and adherence to your principles.
I will give you some facts and [Uncleisms] to make you more formidable. These simple guidelines will serve you well for the rest of your life. Learn them, challenge them, and employ the power you derive from them.
[He who loves you wants the best for you, not him – you.]
After 2 weeks he asked you violate your principles. You said no. He did not, and does not, have the maturity to respect your wishes. Does that sound like he wants the best for you – or what’s fun for him?
Then he dumped you – because someone told him you were cheating when in fact you were flirting. Harmless flirting is just that - harmless. It takes more maturity than most teens can muster to understand this, therefore it is something that needs to be discussed. You discussed it – he walked.
[Girls want romance; boys want sex.]
You want to wait until marriage – he wants to “do it.” Need I say more?
Two weeks later he is back, admitting he was stupid and in love. This tactic is called “Tell her you love her – maybe she will give in.”
[Men are hormones, egos, and babies.]
His hormones will tell you anything for the desired effect. That is not love - that’s hormones. See it for what it is; don’t be fooled for one minute.
Then he tried the dash board and tattoo strategy. Dash board covers come off, fine - part of the game. Tattoos don’t, dumb - part of childish behavior.
[Favor the reversible.]
“Doing it,” is not; Tattoos are not.
Two months later you tested the “non-flirt – he failed. I shouldn’t tell you this, but you missed a golden opportunity. You could have texted him to meet “her” somewhere – then you show up to see the look on his face.
Just like your flirting shouldn’t bother him; his talking to other girls shouldn’t bother you. It takes some maturity from both sides.
You don’t have to do sneaky things to get at the truth. Best friends tell each other all the details. Become friends first. Play to a guy’s ego – they will tell you everything you want to know. It is more important that you know them for what they are, rather than be conned by their appearance. If you set guidelines for their conduct, they will do as they wish and lie about it. That is what happens in parent/child relationships. Parents set standards; kid lie. I call this the Honesty Barrier.
To my nieces and nephews I say,
[Don’t lie to me. If you lie to me I won’t know who you are. If I don’t know who you are I can’t help you.]
Would you rather your girl friends lie?
Would you rather your boy lie?
Do you always tell your parents the truth?
Can you handle the truth?
After the second round of text with “her” he wants pictures because it is “normal.” This is called, “When caught – justify.”
Then comes the hysterical part, he has to move on because he can’t handle not being trusted. He was dishonest every time but has to leave on principle.
He probably never has felt this way before. You out played him every time. About the marriage and baby talk, that is one step above the “I love you routine.” I will translate from “hormonese,” He’ll talk marriage, if you let him practice baby making.
Don’t contact him. He will be back. When he is you will have complete control of the situation. (Check the grapevine. Boys invent conquests even when they don’t exist. EGO! This is high offence to a girl who cares about her reputation. If you know his friends they will either tell you flat out or give hints.)
Uncle Jim claims one expertise on the radio show, “I know how men think.”
Okay, now you have an undefeated uncle coaching you. Teenage boys are no match for this uncle of yours. I want the best for you; they want – well, you know what they want.
Everybody’s Uncle
