HUSBAND TRAINING

Everybody's Uncle,

Hi, maybe you can help us settle these issues:
 
Before we got married my husband was used to doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Nice, but not realistic when getting married.  He also was financially irresponsible -- never balanced his checkbook, wouldn't pay a utility bill half the time til it was disconnected and then had to pay reconnect fees.  Real smart especially when he said he didn't like to eat at nice places cuz it costs too much - you eat it and out it comes, nothing to show for it....uh, huh.
 
So we decided I would handle the finances. All payroll checks go into my account. I pay all the bills. He does have a debit/card from my account and can withdraw whenever he wants for pretty much whatever he wants. I rarely say no. I understand his desire to have "his own" money, but from past problems, we had to do all kinds of things to get his credit taken care of, pay off old debts (some which were so stupid, ie., it wasn't my charges, my roommate charged those...so he didn't pay the bills....
 
Now he wants to have his checks go into his account. I said we could try it and he has to pay some of the bills then too, on time....the house payment and the cell phone....plus his daily normal expenses, gas, food, etc. Plus put some in savings.  He cannot bounce any checks and must balance his checking accounts and we must be able to look at each other's accounts at any time.....
 
Do you think this will work???
Thanks,
Diane

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Dear Diane:

Let me open with an Uncleism:
[If my image marries your image, one day we will wake up as intimate strangers.]

You have awakened to the challenge of practicality over "romance."

Quote:
"Before we got married my husband was used to doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Nice, but not realistic when getting married."

Apparently you knew what he was but married him anyway. He probably knew that you would want him to change but married you anyway. Love conquered all, but in your words, "Nice, but not realistic when getting married."

Marriage works best when logical, compatible, people join forces against the trials of society. Marriages driven by emotion feel good, but the partners must first struggle to find common ground, before they can take on the world.

Successful marriages have gray areas that need to be negotiated. Failed relationships disintegrate when both parties "know" they are "right."

You see him as irresponsible, and you might be right. He sees you as controlling, and he might be right. It is a fair bet that here has been a debate or two seeded by these underlying perspectives.

You might well have logic on your side, but not wisdom. Your position is: "I'm right; I can prove I'm right; therefore, he will have to change. Consider this: He might admit he is wrong; but likes being wrong; therefore, will not change.

[Uncleism: I do not tell you what to do; you do not tell me what to do.]

Successful relationships are more about how much WE can change ourselves. Not how much we can change the other party. When disagreements are in the gray area, love and flexibility can find a way. When screaming becomes the tool of negotiations and winning the argument is paramount - not good.

Assigning responsibilities to the more qualified party can be successful. BUT, to avoid power struggles, develop a plan acceptable to both. The PLAN (renegotiated on a regular basis) is in charge, not one of the players.

A reasonable money management plan works something like this:
All income enters the combined marital account.
Necessities top the priority list.
Savings get second spot. (Read my column on why you should NOT use an IRA.)
Joint considerations (cars, vacations, luxuries) third.
Each gets half of the excess as Personal Discretionary Funds.
(If you are thinking about whom earns more, think about the meaning of marriage.)

He can be irresponsible with his allowance. You can be prudent with yours. But the issue softens.
Separate checking accounts are for discretionary funds only.
If necessary, set up a two-signature, house account to keep all expenses under mutual scrutiny. NO DEBIT CARDS! (This is extreme but mechanisms are better than battles.)

Some issues are matters of different perspectives; some are not. His bounced checks can hurt your credit rating. Not allowed - period! If he can not muster this level of self-discipline, then he is a child, not an adult. 

It is fun to raise a child. It is not fun to be married to one.

Uncle Jim suggests that both you and your husband define yourselves. Know your weaknesses and your strengths. Know what you will tolerate and what you will not. If you can resolve your difficulties with mutual dignity and respect, you are on the road to marital bliss. If not, avoid marital blisters.

Thank you, dear niece, for your great inquiry. I am sure it hits home with many couples and their parents that are saying, "I told you so."

Please share this with your husband.

Here if you need me,
Uncle Jim