COPING WITH GRIEF

Everybody's Uncle,

First let me tell you how much I enjoyed your radio show about older people searching for a job. I was in the same situation a little while ago and was lucky enough for something to fall into my lap - so to speak.

My problem is more personal. I lost my husband a year ago at the age of 59 of a sudden and unexpected heart attack. One minute he was there and the next gone . I miss him terribly and the problem is my kids. They want me to get on with my life. Well I am as far as I can, I have a new job and am seeking mental health help. Have for the past year.

HOW DO I CONVINCE THEM THAT I HAVE TO GRIEVE AT MY OWN PACE?

Anne
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Dear Anne,

Accept my condolences on the sudden loss of your husband and my applause for your new employment. It sounds like you are on the way to a healthy recovery.

As if you didn't have enough on your plate, your kids want you to get on with your life. I'm sure they have your best interest at heart but are pains in a lower body part nonetheless.

No one can make you recover any faster or slower. You will grieve at your own pace -- kids and counselors not withstanding. How you tolerate your loss is entirely in your hands, but focus on the positive aspect of caring kids. They too experienced a loss and your ongoing pain, no doubt, tugs on their emotions. Your pain is their pain. Maybe their concern for you is part of their grieving. Focusing on your pain may alleviate some of theirs.

To answer your question,
HOW DO I CONVINCE THEM THAT I HAVE TO GRIEVE AT MY OWN PACE?

You don't have to convince anybody of anything. But what you should do, must do, is decide what and who is helpful to you. Time is a big factor, but accepting the irreversibly of your husband's passing with a mind toward recovery is a favorable mindset.

While nothing can replace the man, many things can fill the emptiness. A busy routine that includes work, exercise, a good diet, time with your kids and grandkids (if any) can and will help if you allow it. Only you can decide whether you are holding on to pain unreasonably.

Busy, busy, busy fills the mind and lets time work its wonders. Retiring at the end of a tiring day brings a restful sleep -- far better than any pill.

You have choices to make, hang on and suffer, or let go and rebuild. What would he want? I'm sure you have been told how many positives you have - kids, a job, etc. Focus on those positives as best you can. Nothing wrong with grieving, but limiting grieving time to a prayerful or reflective period once weekly lets you hang on with respect and let go with purpose.

My best wishes going forward to you and your family,

Uncle Jim

[Thanks for listening. Feel free to call.]