GRANDMA - GRIEF - AND GROWING
 

Please could you help!!!!

Hi,
I am 17 years old and really need your advice. You see about 5 years ago now, my Grand mother, to whom I was very close , died. She was like a mother to me and I used to see her almost every day. However I just don't know how to move on. I still really miss her. It's just I just don't know what to do anymore.

We had made so many plans of things to do together and I had made so many dreams of things I'd do in the future (with her by my side). But now she's dead I just don't know what to do. Should I carry on with these dreams/plans/ambitions I'd made when she was alive and had planned to do together, or should I give up on them now she's dead and find some new dreams instead. Do you think it would be insulting to her memory to just carry on with these dreams, only now without her? Do you think she'd be offended? What should I do? I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

Also I don't understand where she's gone. I missed years out of my Secondary education so haven't really been taught about religion and therefore don't really understand it. What can I do about this? Also, she was cremated. What does Christianity /the bible say about cremation? Do cremated people still get to heaven?

Also I have two cousins who live in Germany, only they used to fly over to England each year and stay at Grandma's house for a few weeks during the holidays. I used to see them then. Grandma was the one thing connecting us. However now that Grandma's died I don't know what to do about them. I haven't been in contact with them properly since my Grandma died. They can't stay over here in England anymore because my mum doesn't like them...so won't let them stay over with us. They have only over to England once for two days since Grandma died (they had to stay in a local B&B).

What should I do about them? What is the right thing to do? What is expected of me and what would Grandma have wanted? Should I keep in touch? If so then how? Also I am worried because I was having problems coping at school (I refused to go on-and-off for my first two years in high school as I didn't want to move on after the death of Grandma and also could not deal with the death of someone else of whom I was close to and sort of lost control of my life a bit...then I ended up refusing to go to school altogether at the end of my second year and ended up with 5 measly hours of home tuition per week for the last three years which should have been spent in school. I then failed all my GCSEs apart from getting a D/C in English. I know I made a terrible mistake and I can't believe what I've done but at the time I wasn't thinking logically about what I was doing as I was in a state of severe depression.) and if I contact my cousins again they're going to ask about what I'm studying and I'll have to explain why I'm on a low level college course. I feel like I can't contact them because how on earth can I explain how I failed all my GCSEs and wouldn't go to school. They're going to think I'm a bad person. and I cannot conceal it from them as
they are really well educated and will notice the huge gaps in my knowledge just by talking to me. I feel too ashamed to speak to them; I don't know how I can ever face them ever again.
 
 How on earth can I explain to them about me refusing to go to school/failing all my GCSEs? I don't think that I'll be able to visit Germany when I grow up since I am too uneducated. I don't know how to travel or speak German.
I really miss my Grandma and wondered whether you could offer me any advice as I feel like I can't stand it. I really miss her and can't move forwards. I never got a chance to speak to her before she died and I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral. I still feel like I desperately need to say goodbye to her? How can I do this? Do you have any suggestions? I can't bear it as I REALLY do not know how I can say goodbye to her properly. She was cremated to there is no grave I can visit to talk to. Please help! I live in England.

How can I say goodbye? Also (this is probably going to sound like a VERY strange question) but when Grandma was around she used to buy me lots of videos (especially Disney type ones) and I just wondered (I know I'm too old for them really but.....) would it have been insulting to her memory if I'd continued to watch this type of film after her death. Also, she bought me a lot of model horses/toys. What is the right thing to do with these? Should I keep them or throw them away? Please could you offer me any advice.


Also I missed practically all of my secondary education... therefore I also missed Religious Education? I don't understand/get where my Grandma went? Do you know how I can learn about Religion now? Do they run R.E GCSE classes at college? Also this might seem an obvious question (but just needed to check) but do they give a good all-round general education in R.E in school (sorry if this seems a stupid question)?? So if I had gone to school would I now understand where she might be? I feel terrible...because I don't get where she is. What does the Bible /Christianity say Heaven is like by the way????

Also, do you know how I can say goodbye to her now? I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral so never got to say goodbye. She was cremated, so there is no grave. By the way what happens to the ashes? Do they bury them in one place or sprinkle them around? (Which I wouldn't like to have happened) I hate not knowing. I also feel like I need to say out loud goodbye - such as where she was buried/cremated? How can I do this? Wouldn't people at the crematorium stare? How can I say goodbye? Is this advice free by the way...if not then please do not reply as I cannot afford to pay.

Miss (name withheld)

Dear Miss,

There are several issues in your inquiry that I can address with the hope of providing some comfort and direction.

Grandma’s Passing.

It is wonderful to have fond memories of a loved one that has died, but it is wrong to be crippled by a death more than 5 years ago. I am sure Grandma was an inspiration while she was alive and her memory can still provide examples of love and caring that can be building blocks as you grow. I’ll bet Grandma would be proud to live on in your life as a positive influence; I will also bet she would not want your grief to overshadow all the good things.

Each person has to grieve in their own way, but we all have to move forward with our lives. Part of the healing process is often referred to as “closure” – the point where you move from grief to rebuilding. It is not unusual for this transition to take months; it is paralyzing after 5 years. Sometimes this is accomplished privately, sometimes with the help of family, sometimes clergy or counselors can provide support with lingering grief. If you are affiliated with a religious organization or enrolled in school, make inquiries, and don’t be afraid to seek help. You are in a vulnerable state carrying all this grief so a parent or family member should help you along the way.

How to say Goodbye.

Various cultures, religions, and family traditions offer every option from silent meditation to elaborate funerals to lasting monuments of stone. Only you can decide what is best for you. I don’t think Grandma cares as much about rituals as she does about your adjustment to her passing. Silent prayer or meditation and something special on an annual “Grandma Day” – great! Refusing to let go – not good.

Pursuit of Dreams.

Grandma did not create your dreams (you did), nor is she judgmental about what you pursue or change. Grandmas serve best as inspirations not anchors. Let her memory drive you forward, not hold you back. Put all those videos and toys on a shelf or in a box but don’t be tied to them. You will share them one day with your children. If it makes you feel better, I watched “Lady and the Tramp” not so long ago.



What does religion have to offer.

That is a tough one! No one can say for sure what life and death is all about so civilizations create belief systems – hundreds of them. You have to make a personal choice about what “beliefs” will comfort you when our finite minds contemplate infinity.

Those relatives.

My belief system holds family in high esteem. “Family” can be related by blood or association. Sometimes family ties are strained, sometimes for cause, sometimes beyond comprehension. “Family” (for my purposes) includes those that care about each other. Not because of blood, nor money, nor education, but in spite of differences, geography, language – bonds of love and trust that defy gravity if necessary. Does “family” accept or reject because of education? I don’t think so. You will be 18 soon (an adult) you can decide who is or is not “family” and what to do about it at that time.

Meanwhile, I want you focus upon organizing your own thoughts, “Accepting the things you can not change,” and realizing that you are in charge of your own life. Okay, so Grandma died (they do that), maybe everything is not okay at home (check some of the other inquiries), maybe you are not sure about family (me too).

Uncle Jimmy is only one ocean away.

Everybody’s Uncle