FRIEND OR GOLD-DIGGER

Dear Uncle Jim,

I am 20 and work in the computer service industry where I repair and build computer systems. I became friendly with one of the customers who is 28 years old and his mother. They both have Chrones (spelling?) disease but the son does not have it as badly. Neither of them work: the mother can't because she is very ill , but the son is perfectly capable but insists on getting nothing less than a union job that will pay him more than he is worth. He barely graduated high school because he was always skipping out and only graduated because he claimed he had a stomach complication that he never actually had. He brags constantly how he lives like he is 17 always and collects disability. These facts are important to my concern...

He originally had me do a computer repair that took several hours of labor and he promised me when he got his [fantasy] job he would pay me more than I received, what I consider an insult. He now wants me to do another estimated four hour job on top of the smaller miscellaneous trips/jobs I've made in between which I'm still being promised money for.

Additionally, I notice that he tells me many stories about how he gets discounts and deals by becoming friendly with people from businesses and always brags of getting a free ride, etc. Basically he likes to manipulate people. I do not want to be one of those people and I need to somehow mention to him I want to get paid because I run a business doing this. He plays it up as me coming over to hang out with him and do some computer work at the same time, like I would do for my closest friends. He is not my close friend, he is an acquaintance who I think looks at me as a goldmine of free computer work. I have no doubt that he values my friendship, but he blatantly sees me as a gold mine as well.

Obviously they are very poor because they do not work and have several thousands charged in credit. I do not think I should feel bad. Business is business. How do I fix this pseudo-friendship and politely insist on no more free rides? After all I have my own bills to worry about and time is money. I feel that "Why should I do work for him for free when I can be out with my friends or getting paid doing something elsewhere than giving this guy free work."
As you can see I am all over the place with this and need some guidance. I hope I explained my situation clearly. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Buddy

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Dear Buddy,

You are going to love this answer because it will empower you now and forever.


Character indicators you assign to your friend:
Skipped out of high school.
Graduated on false claim.
Twenty-eight staying on 17.
Brags about free rides.
Likes to manipulate people
Blatantly regards you as a gold-mine of free computer work.
Capable of working but can't find his fantasy job.

Based on these traits, is this an individual of upstanding character?

Offered you an insult instead of amount agreed.
Wants additional work while still owing for work completed.
Confuses a friendly hang out with a computer work assignment.

Are these qualities that define an honorable client?

Broke a promise to pay.
Offered insult.
Generally manipulative.
He is an acquaintance - a pseudo-friend.


Are these the hallmarks of friendship?

Quote: "I have no doubt that he values my friendship, but he blatantly sees me as a gold mine as well."

Please note the internal conflict of your statement. Friendships are mutual. Gold mines are targets of prospectors.

Quote; "Why should I do work for him for free when I can be out with my friends or getting paid doing something elsewhere than giving this guy free work?"

This question answers itself.

You have all the pieces; I have simply organized them to help you focus.

Your question is:
"How do I fix this pseudo-friendship and politely insist on no more free rides?"


Mature relationships include give and take, teach and learn, 50-50. Other relationships: parent-child, teacher-student, employer-employee, uncle-nephew are, for lack of a better phrase, leader/follower relationships. Formidability requires identifying your role, at any given time, in any given relationship or exchange.

LEARN THIS!
Know when to talk and when to listen. Know when you are the teacher or the student. Know when to assert yourself or when to yield. Remember that roles can and do change instantly as subject matter or conditions change.

Does this acquaintance qualify as a friend?

Not by Uncle Jim's standards. Manipulators and gold-diggers qualify only as students. Assume the role of teacher and assert yourself accordingly. A reasonable guideline for a friend/client is, free lip-service/chargeable hands-on service. You can give a discount but any deal made and broken precludes any future work. State this delicately but clearly. Honorable clients and genuine friends should know this. If they don't; teach them, categorize them, or move on.

The next time this "student" asks for free service, be prepared to tell him how busy you are with cash customers that, of course, have to come first. Tell him you may be able to help him after he performs some of that fantasy union work that he does so well, for you.

My uncle instinct tells me that my new nephew, Buddy, already feels an injection of formidability surging through his veins.

I told you, you would love it.

Uncle Jim