FRIEND OR DEPENDENT
Hi Uncle,
I've moved to another city 10 years ago very unexpectedly and ever since I've felt depressed about the move because all of a sudden I didn't have any friends anymore. Then I started working at my current job five years ago. I started working with my co-worker who's married and we shared a cubicle. As I worked with her over the years I've developed a very close friendship with her. (I want note that I DO NOT have any physical or sexual attraction towards her.)
Everybody knows that we get long very well and at times they call me her husband at work. But to me she's become my best friend. She's really helped me get out of my depression and motivate me to make me happy about life once again. I feel very attached to her because she's helped turn my life around and I feel so much gratitude and appreciation towards her. Well, recently we have someone let go in our company and my coworker is taking on that job while my boss hires someone else to replace my coworker. I don't mind it at first but when they told me that I will not be sharing cubicle with my coworker anymore I got very depressed and emotional about it. I know that it's a move best for all of us but inside me I don't want to because we had such a good time working together. I know our friendship is strong but at the same time I feel very uncertain about my friendship with her in the future. She has a wonderful family and I know her husband (because he works there too). I have no desire to interfere with her family life. I just want to know how I can make my friendship with her and her family grow going forward.
Help
(Unsigned)
Dear Nephew,
I advise everyone to become their own person before they make long term commitments to a relationship. Usually I am referring to financial independence. While you have established financial independence, you have not established emotional independence.
In a text book progression we move from parental supervision, to single independence, to a marriage and/or career commitment. You failed to establish emotional independence along the way.
Job transfers and other imposing circumstances can induce relocation. You were depressed about the move but elected to remain without social ties. That decision needs reexamination. Moving under pressure is one thing. Staying for five friendless depressing years is another.
Speculating a little:
You then connect with a female coworker who becomes your only friend. The bond sustains you but allows only limited contact. From this relatively comfortable situation you did not seek additional or permanent relationships. I hesitate to speculate what filled your nights, weekends and leisure time – at least unwise, at worst unhealthy.
Five years later you are the best of friends with your coworker. Friendship is wonderful – dependence is perilous. You are not sexually attracted to the woman. Excellent, she is married and her husband work is the same office. You are called her “husband” at work. Fine, if it is an office pleasantry. Cruel, if it pokes fun at your attachment to the woman.
Offices are often hostile places wherein the hostility is muted by office protocol. It is a fair bet that other coworkers notice your attachment, and human nature being as childish as it is made both you and her husband the butt of some “humor.” If you made no mention of women in your life – more fuel for gossip. If you have deflected some “joking,” be assured the unspoken was much more caustic.
Smart office managers move people around to minimize social interactions that interfere with business. Perhaps moving your co-worker to another area was part incidental and part good business tactic.
The attachment you have to your co-worker might be the finest of human relationships. But your want or need to grow the relationship with her AND her family might be the manifestation of an unhealthy state of loneliness.
If this separation is going to cause you depression, you should take a step back and see your situation from the outside. If this woman is indeed the friend you say she is, show her this document, discuss each section, and ask if she thinks you would be well served by a few sessions with a professional counselor.
To enhance your relationship to your friend, her husband and family – empower yourself. Friendships endure on strength not dependence.
Everybody’s Uncle
