FED UP WITH IN-LAWS
Hello,
I have been married for 19 years to a very domineering man. My sister-in-law has tried to manipulate me in small ways for as many years. She is a coward. She has never confronted me personally she has used her mother (who feels that her daughter is always in the right). In my defense, I have done absolutely nothing at all in no way wrong to deserve them invading my life in this manner. I have always been very aware of my actions and walked on eggshells to make sure I never ever did anything wrong. My husband has never stood up for me until an episode last summer. His support was to give his mother the silent treatment for a "very long time." I have to admit that the family is timid of him as am I. What really hurts me is that after no one ever has said "I'm sorry". Things are either ignored (never happened) or the one time I confronted my mother-in-law she placed the blame on her husband (another coward).
Just to get a few things off my chest. I have never felt like I was fully accepted by his mom and sister. They had me thoroughly checked out before I became part of the family. They have money and were afraid I would jump ship and take them for everything, I guess. My sister-in-law could not get pregnant. I went through two guilt ridden pregnancies. I had books and various information given to me highly recommended to indulge and read. I understood and was very accommodating to them. I was very loving and compassionate. But it didn't matter. When her adoptive baby was coming she literally said, "I know I was mean but it is all okay, my baby is coming now."she did get pregnant later.
My sister-in-law's cousin (female) and I were becoming closer friends. I get a call from my mother-in--law asking me what we are talking about and that "we" don't talk about our personal things. I had no idea what she meant. I told her what we talked about (she had no right to my personal conversation). She also said that this woman was just using me to get back at my sister-in-law. So, now I am not worthy of family relationships? I was devastated that the family didn't trust me but very confused as to what I may have said wrong. I said nothing wrong. Broke off the contact for the family. I am sure my sister-in-law was in on this.
I was very ill when my children were very young. My kids were sick a lot too. My husband has no tolerance or use for sick people. He was so hard on me. I was desperate and tried to kind of say something to his mother.....I really needed help from family. I was at the end of my rope. My mother-in-law said I looked fine to her and that I am lucky to have a roof over my head. She also said that I cannot compare my husband to my sister-in-laws husband. So, now I am jealous of my sister-in-law as are other family members I am not supposed to be friends with. I was treated differently after that by my sister-in-law. No one ever asked how I am or what's going on even though I know I was the topic for conversation.
The latest is that my husband's brother and his wife (the good sister-in-law) and myself missed the 8th graduation for my nephew (son of sister-in-law with issues) due to reasons beyond our control. My husband made it. I guess my sister-in law had a fit. We were front and center (but not greeted and very ignored) at his grad party a week later. A week before his party my sister-in-law made a scene at my daughters grad party condemning the good sister-in-law for not attending the graduation and calling her a liar. The funny thing is she would not yell at me for not making the graduation. She sent her mother to work on me the day before my daughter's party until I was sobbing. This is when my husband silently stood up for me. My sister-in-law would not speak to her brothers, the good sister-in-law or myself for six months. It was like nothing happened on Christmas at my mother-in-laws. It was for show only. This was the first time I didn't walk on eggshells though because I did nothing wrong and everything was blown way, way out of proportion as usual.
I have tucked away all of the things that have been done to me (there are many, many more) until I cannot hold it anymore. The emotional pain is pure misery.
I have never put myself on a pedestal until today. This sister-in-law has two children....I have barely seen in 9 months. I feel like I should participate in their plays and sporting events out of the "right thing to do". But these people have brought me so much pain over the years there is not much left. If I do attend functions they will not come to anything for my children...It will be as it has always been. As if my children don't exist. I quit trying to get my kids together with hers during vacations about 5 years ago. They don't care. But I still feel like I should do something. But I don't want to anymore. Since it appears I am soooo jealous and unworthy of this family why do they make my life so miserable when all I have done is try to please them?
Is it right to just pretend they don't even exist anymore? This is not how I am or how I was raised. I am a true nurturer and fixit when it comes to relationships.....I have to maintain a relationship with my mother-in-law though it is not easy anymore.
So Very Tired of Manipulation
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Dear SVTM,
[I will respond line for line. My signature sign off is, “Think and be formidable.” I will do my best to get you to do both.]
I have been married for 19 years to a very domineering man. My sister-in-law has tried to manipulate me in small ways for as many years. She is a coward. She has never confronted me personally she has used her mother (who feels that her daughter is always in the right). In my defense, I have done absolutely nothing at all in no way wrong to deserve them invading my life in this manner. I have always been very aware of my actions and walked on eggshells to make sure I never ever did anything wrong.
[Formidable people define themselves, are polite to others, but walk with their heads held high, not on eggshells. If you allow others to control you with their petty emotional ploys, that is your weakness, not their strength.]
My husband has never stood up for me until an episode last summer. His support was to give his mother the silent treatment for a "very long time." I have to admit that the family is timid of him as am I.
[Solid adult relationships are built on respect. Formidable people weigh circumstances objectively and take calculated action. We are all “timid” (or cautious) to a degree but logic should prevail over “timid.”]
What really hurts me is that after no one ever has said "I'm sorry". Things are either ignored (never happened) or the one time I confronted my mother-in-law she placed the blame on her husband (another coward).
[Some individuals simply can’t say “I’m sorry.” If you don’t know this and let it hurt you, you have a lot of growing up to do. The “uncle” posture is simple. Don’t tell others what to do and don’t let them tell you what to do. Who cares who is sorry or who apologized? Decide what is right for you and let them react as they wish. You are not in the world to cater to the whims of others. If they don’t like the person you elect to be, that is their problem not yours.]
Just to get a few things off my chest. I have never felt like I was fully accepted by his mom and sister. They had me thoroughly checked out before I became part of the family. They have money and were afraid I would jump ship and take them for everything, I guess. My sister-in-law could not get pregnant. I went through two guilt ridden pregnancies. I had books and various information given to me highly recommended to indulge and read. I understood and was very accommodating to them. I was very loving and compassionate. But it didn't matter. When her adoptive baby was coming she literally said, "I know I was mean but it is all okay, my baby is coming now." She did get pregnant later.
[As long as you are concerned about their acceptance of you, they are in control. Walk with a spine among these cowards and let them worry about you accepting them. As for child bearing, leave the competition out of it. To the envious, offer sympathy not guilt. As for books, smile and say thank you, pick your own reading material and listen to your doctors. When others get pregnant, adopt, or buy a puppy, make a big fuss – done.]
My sister-in-law's cousin (female) and I were becoming closer friends. I get a call from my mother-in--law asking me what we are talking about and that "we" don't talk about our personal things. I had no idea what she meant. I told her what we talked about (she had no right to my personal conversation). She also said that this woman was just using me to get back at my sister-in-law. So, now I am not worthy of family relationships? I was devastated that the family didn't trust me but very confused as to what I may have said wrong. I said nothing wrong. Broke off the contact for the family. I am sure my sister-in-law was in on this.
[Adopt this posture, as before, don’t tell people what to say and don’t let them tell you what to say. As long as you seek their approval, they control you. You are suffering for trying to please them. Make your best decisions and let them adjust.]
I was very ill when my children were very young. My kids were sick alot too. My husband has no tolerance or use for sick people. He was so hard on me. I was desperate and tried to kind of say something to his mother.....I really needed help from family. I was at the end of my rope. My mother-in-law said I looked fine to her and that I am lucky to have a roof over my head. She also said that I cannot compare my husband to my sister-in-laws husband. So, now I am jealous of my sister-in-law as are other family members I am not supposed to be friends with. I was treated differently after that by my sister-in-law. No one ever asked how I am or what's going on even though I know I was the topic for conversation.
[If your husband is indifferent to your health or that of his children he needs a heads up. If he would like to contact me I will gladly address him on the subject. If you want to let gossip among cowards upset you, you will forever be at their mercy – bad choice. You are your own person. If you let others control you – they will. This includes husbands, in-laws, and the family dog.]
The latest is that my husband's brother and his wife (the good sister-in-law) and myself missed the 8th graduation for my nephew (son of sister-in-law with issues) due to reasons beyond our control. My husband made it. I guess my sister-in law had a fit. We were front and center (but not greeted and very ignored) at his grad party a week later. A week before his party my sister-in-law made a scene at my daughters grad party condemning the good sister-in-law for not attending the graduation and calling her a liar. The funny thing is she would not yell at me for not making the graduation. She sent her mother to work on me the day before my daughter's party until I was sobbing. This is when my husband silently stood up for me. My sister-in-law would not speak to her brothers, the good sister-in-law or myself for six months. It was like nothing happened on Christmas at my mother-in-laws. It was for show only. This was the first time I didn't walk on eggshells though because I did nothing wrong and everything was blown way, way out of proportion as usual.
[Here is Uncle Jimmy’s Part Rule: You don’t have to invite me and I don’t have to go. Set your own priorities and let others adjust. Mother-in-law was out of order addressing you on the subject. NO CRYING! Set your priorities and stand your ground. In this case (in part) you didn’t walk on eggshells and it worked. Keep that in mind.]
I have tucked away all of the things that have been done to me (there are many, many more) until I cannot hold it anymore. The emotional pain is pure misery.
I have never put myself on a pedestal until today. This sister-in-law has two children....I have bearly seen in 9 months. I feel like I should participate in their plays and sporting events out of the "right thing to do". But these people have brought me so much pain over the years there is not much left. If I do attend functions they will not come to any thing for my children...It will be as it has always been. As if my children don't exist. I quit trying to get my kids together with hers during vacations about 5 years ago. They don't care. but I still feel like I should do something. But I don't want to anymore.
[I detect a little backbone here – good. You have your values and they have theirs. If you want to go to her children’s events, go and smile - always nice to take the high road. If you want to extend invitations to your children’s events – very classy under the circumstances. If you don’t want to, don’t – very understandable.]
Since it appears I am soooo jealous and unworthy of this family why do they make my life so miserable when all I have done is try to please them?
[They do not make your life miserable. It is your concern for their opinions that makes you miserable. The minute you stop trying to please them they are defanged.]
Is it right to just pretend they don't even exist anymore? This is not how I am or how I was raised. I am a true nurturer and fixit when it comes to relationships.....I have to maintain a relationship with my mother-in-law though it is not easy anymore.
[Life is often not easy. No matter how great your concern is for family unity, you cannot make it happen. Good tactics work better than emotional responses. Your highest priorities are your children and husband. Strengthen that unit first, smile at the dysfunction in-laws and in time things might improve. Stop playing their game, make them play yours.]
Everybody’s Uncle