“SOME” IS NOT ENOUGH
dear uncle,
i have a problem.. i first met my boyfriend a year ago and we quickly became friends.. after a while he asked me out but i said no because he was a player and i knew all he wanted was to get some.. he kept asking me for 2 months and i kept saying no and no and in those two months he changed so much..he stopped hanging out so much with his friends he stopped drinking and he would call me alot he'd buy me flowers and he told his friends he was in love with me so i decided to give him a chance.. he was the sweetest thing always telling me exactly what i needed to hear always there for me and i fell in love with him. I met his mom and she always tells me how much he's changed since he's been with me he's not out causing trouble and he's catching up in school and he actually cares about his future so i really belive him when he tells me that he loves me.. and i trust that he wont cheat on me i trust him so much, but lately we've been arguing alot about little things.. i get mad because now he would rather spend a friday with his friends drinking than with me and he gets mad thinking i'm trying to control him or that i dont trust him.. but i do trust him its just i know his friends are a bad influence.. when he's with them he'll get drunk and he goes to strip clubs and doesnt come back til 5 in the morning and i get mad cus he know i hate when he goes there and he doesnt understand..and now he never calls me and never even make an effort to see me. He tells me he still loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and gave me a promise ring but i dont know what to do.. i dont like the way he treats me or am i just being selfish?? i dont know what to do i can't see my life without him and i know he's not cheating on me but i get jealous how can i stop feeling this way??
*Diane*
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Diane,
You are going to hate my response NOW but 20 years from now it might make sense.
I have walked many nieces through similar scenarios; I am willing to bet that my interpretation of what occurred is closer to the truth than your “take.”
1. Girl meets boy – physical attraction.
2. Girl sees boy as “player” who wants “some.”
3. Boy “changes” for 2 months. Girl believes it.
4. Boy charms girl – gets “some.”
5. Girl thinks “some” = “love.”
6. Boy’s mom sees change (moms can see anything they wish).
7. Girl fantasizes, “boy loves me and has really changed.”
8. “Some” is not enough – boy reverts to strip clubs and drinking.
9. Boy stays out until “5 in the morning” – girl hates it.
10. Girl complains – boy stops calling.
11. Boy gives ring – girl fantasizes “he loves me.”
12. Boy continues to get “some.” But “some” is not enough.
13. Girl continues to complain.
14. Boy protests, “Your trying to control me” (oldest line in book)
15. Girl sees drinking, strip clubs, 5 AM, (same old “player”)
16. Girl drifts into fantasy land – “He loves me; I KNOW he does not cheat.”
17. Girl drifts into denial – “I can’t see my life without him.” “Maybe I am selfish.” “Maybe I am too controlling.” “Maybe I am jealous.”
18. Player wins game!
Niece, let me share 2 Uncleisms with you.
[Men are Hormones, Egos, and Babies.]
[Emotions will take you in the wrong direction 90% of the time]
I suggest you study those two thinking tools long and hard. You knew the guy was a player in the first place but your EMOTIONS over-powered your logic.
Give him his ring back. Dump him (tell him if he grows up to call you after 5 years). Cut your losses. Spend 6 months licking your wounds and sharpening your skills. If you need some reinforcement, talk to women that let their emotions rule.
Sorry for the honesty but that is what I do,
Everybody’s Uncle
