EMOTIONAL PARASITE
Dear Everybody's Uncle,
I have a friend of about eight years standing whom I have been trying to break it off with. Lately she's had a lot of problems in her life, she tried to commit suicide this past fall and I had the honor of alerting the authorities. She was angry with me about it, but quickly forgave me and declared me her "best" friend, as I was the only person she knew who was brave enough to take steps to get her help. However, I was rattled by the whole experience and realized that I didn't even really like this woman all
that much. I mean, she's an all right person and I wish her all the best, but certainly not MY "best" friend, and mostly I stay in touch with her out of habit.
She has a tendency to get angry with people for very small things, and last month, after having to apologize for about the 10,000th time for making some little remark which would not have offended anyone but her, I thought about it and realized I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I am not getting enough out of the relationship for what I put into it.
I am not angry with her, per se, and I do not want to upset her still-fragile mental state, so I decided the best way would be to "lose touch." So I avoided her, "forgot" to return phone calls, etc, thinking the relationship could die a natural death. But she will not let me go and she has come to me and asked if I am mad at her, why am I not speaking to her, etc. I could tell her the truth: mainly "I am not mad at you but I don't want to talk to you again." But she will not believe that, and if I try to explain that I don't like how she gets mad at me so easily and so on, I know what will happen: she will apologize and promise to change her ways (as she has before, when I bring this problem up), I will be so softhearted I will forgive her, a few weeks of placid bliss will go by, then she will flare up again and get mad at me for something stupid, then round and round we go. I really don't want this to happen. But she keeps demanding an explanation as to my avoidance behavior.
Is there a way to resolve this without either (A) Deeply hurting her or
(B) Leaving me still stuck in this friendship which is doing nothing for me?
Meaghan Good
Meaghan,
You have done your due diligence regarding her state of mind and your impact in departure. It is time to stop the unhealthy mind from controlling the healthy mind. It comes down to setting priorities and style.
[When all else fails try the truth.]
The truth is she has become an emotional parasite. The truth is you have an obligation to see to your own well-being above hers. The truth is she has tried to commit suicide. The truth is she drains you. The truth is professional counseling is either necessary or desirable for suicidal personalities.
Most people, suicidal or otherwise do not want to be told they need counseling. Therefore, lovingly, tell her professional care is in her best interest. Tell her, regrettably, that you are not a professional counselor. Tell her, apologetically, that you are tired of apologizing for failing the perfect friend test. Tell her she needs private time to gather her thoughts. Tell her that your own life has pressures and demands requiring much of your time – things too personal to discuss.
With firm resolve, make these and similar thymes the focus of every conversation. If you present the truth with loving care, you have done the best you can. Even with the best intentions you can not save people from themselves nor are you obligated.
Everybody’s Uncle
