ELEVEN YEARS OF ABUSE
Everybody's Uncle,
I have been with the same guy for 11 years. We have been married for 5 of the 11 years. I moved in with him only knowing him for 4 months. I should have seen all of this at that time. I was just looking at the fact that I wanted to be out of my mother's house. I was 22 and I had no freedom under her roof.
I was kind of like the REBOUND CHICK you could say. He had threatened me to move in with him by saying, "If you don't move in with me then we don't need to be together." So wanting to leave my mother's safe haven that she had provided for me, I moved in with him.
Then he put me out only 2 years after living together. He said it was all my fault that he put me out. About 2 months later he had taken me to New Orleans for a vacation. We had so much fun that when I got back home, I moved right back in with him. He started being so controlling it was unreal. Controlled all of my finances. All the money that I had brought into our house. He even was still messing around on me I do believe. His first child's mother would call at all times of the night and he was at her beckon call. Not like that with me.
I got pregnant. He made me have an abortion. He said that it was because he didn't want to have to pay child support for another child. I was depressed by this time from all of the bad treatment I was getting from him.
Then he became ill and had to be hospitalized, I was there for him every step of the way. He got better and things then became better. So we got married. I really thought that it was going to be right. I really thought he had changed. I thought wrong, it got worst.
The third day we were married he screamed so loud in my ear it took about a week for me to stop hearing the ringing sound in my ear. He goes and buys a card saying that he was sorry. I knew deep down that he didn't really mean it. He just didn't want me to leave. I knew I should have left then. I didn't I stayed.
Then I got pregnant again. We had it out everyday because I didn't want to have sex with him. We were living back at my Mom's house. I wanted him to leave me, and my then unborn child, so bad. That didn't happen. He packed like he was going to leave and didn't go anyplace.
Now we have a house together. I want out so bad I don't know what to do. I am not happy and I am not in love with him anymore after all the verbal, mental and emotional abuse I am subject to. I don't know how to leave, as bad as I want to, I don't know how. I know it is time because I have a 3 year old little girl and I want her to live better that I am living now. Please help. Tell me what I need to do.
[Unsigned]
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Dear Niece,
Heart breaking stories like yours are all too common in a society that tells us to "follow your heart." I hope all my 15, 16, and 17-year old nieces learn from your experience. Uncle Jim says, "Think and follow the best logical path to your goal."
Let's jump into The Thinking Zone.
Your highest priority is the safety of yourself and your child. You failed to mention any physical violence, but from control freak to batterer is a small step - one to be foreseen and feared.
Is there a history of violence (pushing, grabbing, pounding the table, throwing things, demeaning words or actions intended to humiliate, screaming in your ear with intent to intimidate) or threats against you or your child? Does he have a criminal record of assault or speak of violence against anyone? If so, pack up (taking all valuables) and move in with mom.
An attorney might advise you to obtain a restraining order and/or set an order of priorities. Many battered women conceal physical abuse until the situation becomes critical. If that is the case, and I hope not, break silence and head for a safe harbor. Do not tell him where you went.
Gather your resources.
If mom will allow you to move in with her - do it. Collect all checkbooks, cash, jewelry and assets to which you have access. Take photos of the home to show condition at time of departure. An attorney, Child Protective Services, Battered Women's Services, Police, Clergy, and some very close friends and family members can add to your sense of security and confidence as you move forward legally. Keep a safe space between yourself and an 11-year-nightmare. They usually beg, but HAVE NO CONTACT unless your attorney approves conditions.
Thank you for sharing your experience in this forum. I hope my teenage nieces get your message. There are far worse life situations than living at home until you are ABLE to be your own person.
Females seeking freedom and immature men - a losing combination.
Everybody's Uncle
