DOES FATHER KNOW BEST?
Hello Uncle!! J
I have a question… See my dad and I have always always been real close with each other, he’s always been there for me and in return I’ve always obeyed his rules and done what he wanted me to do. I’m going to the schools he wanted me to attend I’m even studying what he wanted me to study! But on New Years I decided I wanted to spend the day with my boyfriend and friends instead of going to my grandma’s house with him like we usually do. Well that day he told me that either I would go with him or I wouldn’t be allowed to go out at all! So I decided I didn’t want to go, knowing my mom would let me out later when he was gone. So later after he left I went out with my friends and my mom went out with hers. My dad got home around 1:00 and he started calling me, but I didn’t answer because I knew all he was going to do was yell at me, so I went home and got there at the same time my mom did. When I went in he started yelling at me that I disrespected him and went against his word and he took away my car and got mad at my mom for letting me out as well. Now it’s been two months and he still hasn’t spoken a single word to me. I tried talking to him a few times but he won’t hear it. My mom told me to apologize to him because I did do wrong and I shouldn’t have disobeyed him, but I don’t think it’s my fault I don’t think I should apologize anymore. I’m not going to keep trying to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me… besides the way I see it MY WHOLE LIFE I’ve done what HE WANTED me to do… I live his dreams his goals everything I’ve ever done was for him. 18 years of life has been planned out because of him. 18 whole years!! And for one night that I want to hang out with my friends and do what I WANT to do, he trips out?? So my question is, what should I do? Me and my father have NEVER fought like this before; actually we’ve never fought at all so I don’t even know how to go about this. He’s a very stubborn man and usually I am too, the only reason I’ve tried talking to him is because I don’t know what to do without him. He’s guided me through my whole life; I really don’t know what to do. I didn’t want him out of my life just a little more freedom, I wanted to experience life and make my own mistakes. I can do that now but nobody’s there to help me through… I miss him so much :’(… I know I did wrong, but he would never let me do anything. And one of the times I tried talking to him he asked me why the hell I was talking to him and to get the hell out. He’s never talked to me like that before, never a single cuss word, or anything disrespectful. And my birthday just passed a few days ago and I didn’t even get a “good morning” from him let alone a happy birthday. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore Uncle!! Please help thank you in advance.
Your niece
Niece,
[I will respond line for line]
I have a question… See my dad and I have always been real close with each other, he’s always been there for me and in return I’ve always obeyed his rules and done what he wanted me to do. I’m going to the schools he wanted me to attend I’m even studying what he wanted me to study!
[Sounds great so far.]
But on New Years I decided I wanted to spend the day with my boyfriend and friends instead of going to my grandma’s house with him like we usually do.
[Boyfriends will come and go over the next few years. Grandma could go tomorrow. There should be time for both. I’ll do my best to be objective.]
Well that day he told me that either I would go with him or I wouldn’t be allowed to go out at all! So I decided I didn’t want to go, knowing my mom would let me out later when he was gone. So later after he left I went out with my friends and my mom went out with hers.
[What you did was employ tactics against your dad. The result was predictable. Points to consider:
Why were you dad and mom headed in different directions on New Year’s Day?
If family obligations were satisfied, your request for “friend time” seems reasonable.
Dad employed a mandate; you employed a tactic; negotiation would have served better. I fault dad for not negotiating. I fault you for being deceptive.]
My dad got home around 1:00 and he started calling me, but I didn’t answer because I knew all he was going to do was yell at me, so I went home and got there at the same time my mom did
.
[Sounds like you and mom schemed against dad. This changed the battle field from conduct to emotion. Conduct is relatively easy to negotiate. Emotion knows no logic. At this point dad sees his family aligning against him; logic yields to emotion.]
When I went in he started yelling at me that I disrespected him and went against his word and he took away my car and got mad at my mom for letting me out as well.
[Dad was right on the issue but acted out of emotion. The issue here is not significant enough to justify dad’s heavy-handedness.]
Now it’s been two months and he still hasn’t spoken a single word to me. I tried talking to him a few times but he won’t hear it.
[About the last thing in the world a dad should do is disconnect from a daughter he adores (and he does). Learn this now my niece, “Men are hormones, egos and babies.” After two months dad is acting like a pouting child to the overall detriment of the family unit – there is no benefit – the conduct should be abandoned. The question becomes how do you do defuse the emotions?]
My mom told me to apologize to him because I did do wrong and I shouldn’t have disobeyed him,
[I’ll bet mom got her share of grief for being part of the scheme and she just wants it to be resolved – she is no saint here either.]
… but I don’t think it’s my fault I don’t think I should apologize anymore.
[Just great – he doesn’t want to give in and neither do you. The conduct is no longer the issue it’s all emotions – right?]
I’m not going to keep trying to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me… besides the way I see it MY WHOLE LIFE I’ve done what HE WANTED me to do… I live his dreams his goals everything I’ve ever done was for him. 18 years of life has been planned out because of him. 18 whole years!!
[This is called the global defense wherein you stack your whole life up against this moment. Now who is pouting?]
And for one night that I want to hang out with my friends and do what I WANT to do, he trips out?
[I tend to hold parents responsible for setting up mechanism to deal with family issues. Based on the conditions you spelled out, if this were a contest, I would split my decision 55% niece – 45% dad (mercifully, mom is not scored).]
So my question is, what should I do?
[Hang on, I have some suggestions coming.]
Me and my father have NEVER fought like this before; actually we’ve never fought at all so I don’t even know how to go about this. He’s a very stubborn man and usually I am too, the only reason I’ve tried talking to him is because I don’t know what to do without him. He’s guided me through my whole life; I really don’t know what to do. I didn’t want him out of my life just a little more freedom, I wanted to experience life and make my own mistakes. I can do that now but nobody’s there to help me through… I miss him so much :’(… I know I did wrong, but he would never let me do anything. And one of the times I tried talking to him he asked me why the hell I was talking to him and to get the hell out.
[This is pure emotion on dad’s part. He, right or wrong, is hurting and venting on you. The question he has to ask himself is does he want to win the emotional war and lose a daughter. SHAME on him!]
He’s never talked to me like that before, never a single cuss word, or anything disrespectful. And my birthday just passed a few days ago and I didn’t even get a “good morning” from him let alone a happy birthday. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore Uncle!! Please help thank you in advance.
Your niece
[If I were your dad and read those few sentences you wrote above I would be on my knees thanking God for the beautiful child I have. I give you credit and high praise for assessment and honesty. While logic does not overcome emotion, it can’t hurt to try to defuse the emotion. I would print this document and present it to him, perhaps at a meeting arranged by mom. If everybody bends a little perhaps this issue can be put to rest without permanent damage to the family unit.
In the bigger picture look what is a stake for all of you. Your college years, marriage, children (grandchildren) – these things can enrich a strong family unit or become problems for the disconnected. The price of happiness is often compromise. Do you really want this family to implode over what was a collision of bad judgment by all parties?
Get your heads together and get this behind you.
Everybody’s Uncle
