DIVORCE DOLDRUMS

Dear Uncle,

I am starting divorce proceedings after 16 years of marriage.  Maybe 10 of those years where happy, so I am rather relieved.
 
My husband cheated on me and did nothing to help raise our 3 boys or help with the house other than provide a paycheck. Now, as we are divorcing, he is accusing me of having an affair.
My first thoughts are to ignore the accusations because the marriage is over and I think he is looking for someone to share the blame with him. It just makes me so angry and hateful that he is accusing me of something I know in my heart I didn't do.  He has even gone into graphic detail as to what I have supposedly done with this man.

I get so angry because I feel like he is putting me on a witness stand for something I have not done.  I just can't get my head around this. It's making me physically ill. Please help me understand how I can get past this.  I have so much to do and I feel worthless and unable to do anything.

Dana
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Dana,
 
I am sorry about your situation. But, if the marriage is over, stabilization for you and the kids becomes the highest priority. Words in and of themselves can not hurt us. It is our sensitivity that disrupts and distracts.

[Uncleism: Don't let anyone's bad behavior effect your good behavior.]

There is a mindset and a mechanism to defend against unfounded vicious attacks and attackers.

Mindset: Words can not hurt unless my sensitivity permits it. If a total stranger or raving lunatic uttered similar untruths, I would not lose a minute of sleep.
He, in a sense, is a stranger; perhaps suffering hallucinations, spewing venomous lies.

The only power he has is your sensitivity. Remove the sensitivity and the beast is defanged. If he has a problem dealing with your indifference - too bad. If he no longer derives pleasure from your discomfort - too bad. Niece takes control!

Mechanism: When you see him, hear him, or think of him; picture a vomiting 2 year old or any other image that could not offend you. Instantly reject any thought of him beyond what is necessary.

Now you have the stronger hand,
Uncle Jim