DAUGHTER BRINGS FALSE CHARGES
Dear Uncle,
I have a heart-wrenching problem. It's a long one so you may want to relax...
We are the parents of 6 children, ages 24, 21,19,17,12, and 7, 5 sons and 1 daughter. Our daughter is the fourth one and now 17 years old. We are Christian and home educate our kids until they get to high school then they go to public school. Our kids have been over all very wonderful; no major complaints, until our daughter.
Unknown to us she began having sexual relations (not the end of the world, but certainly undesirable for her age) in the middle of her freshman year (age 15). She lived a double life for some time, singing in church on Sunday, and playing around with boys the rest of the time.
Eventually I caught her in a lie, regarding a friend she had been seeing against our will, which led to her running away to the same friend's house. (We had good reason for not allowing her to hang around this girl.)
Many people, including ourselves, her older brothers, and several friends, compelled her to come home. She did not and decided to try to be emancipated. She was told by the state that running away because she didn't want to live under our rule wasn't reason enough to become emancipated. That she could only do this if she had been abused, neglected, or molested. So promptly she concocted several stories against us.
After the state and Children's Services did their investigation and strong-armed us into placing our daughter in voluntary placement. They finally (only on the day we signed the papers) cleared us of any wrongdoing. (You have to know that with 2 younger children in the home it was a heavy threat indeed).
They placed her with her boyfriend and his family and assured us that all would be fine. Then we got a judgment for child support by the state in the mail. Fortunately we found a kind and reasonable woman who would listen to us in the support enforcement division, and she made the amount at least palatable.
Now 4 months later out of the blue we are hit with the state telling us they are filing a petition to take her into involuntary custody so she can get the government subsidies she needs to get an apartment, and free college and be on the Independent Living Program. She wants to remain in their custody until she is out of H.S. and 19 years old! I am hearing mixed reports that we may be liable for child support until she is 21! Not to mention that we get no closure in our lives.
Our daughter hasn't spoken to us in 9 months and says that she doesn't ever plan to. Now the questions... We have been to hell and back over the last few months. She has accused her brother, our son (who is 18 mos. older than her) of molesting her. When they were quite small I found them "comparing parts" but nothing to what she has accused him of. He has passed a lie detector test, but she won't take one. Frankly based on the lies she told about us, and the over-all person that he is, I do believe he is telling the truth.
Some of the accusations make no sense, and she has changed several things since first coming up with this stuff. We believe she is using all of this as a lever to get her way - freedom from any authority (especially ours) in her life.
It is all very scary when you listen to the feminist (sorry for the colorful description) detective they have assigned to the case. Separate from the CSD stuff. Based on the involuntary petition the child support could go up significantly. We are aching from all of this, so much so you must forgive my ramblings, although I am trying to keep an organized thought in my head.
Now if she is in the state's custody can they make us allow her to see her younger siblings? Do the boys get a say in the matter? Can we relinquish our parental rights, and what is legally disowning?
The caseworker told me today I was cruel and selfish for even thinking about it. That it would hurt our daughter deeply. I don't think so. I don't feel cruel, I just want peace in my life, for myself and my family. We have been through enough, and I don't feel after all of this like I need to" keep the doors open" for reconciliation, if she should ever decide. And why do these workers think they have the right to say whether or not I ever have a relationship with our daughter. What are the legal repercussions of relinquishing our rights? My concern being the littler boys still at home.
This whole thing hit us like a brick, so many people (including exchange student's who lived with us for extended periods of time) all confirm to me that we were loving, doting and reasonable parents. Please let us know what you think. I have left a voice mail for an attorney, have not found one yet.
Kindest regards,
D Courtney
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Dear Mom Courtney,
Heart wrenching is an understatement. I offer my sympathy and prayers for you and your family. A rebellious child forces a dreaded battle between parental love and consideration for the rest of the family.
I am not an attorney, but even if I were, I would not offer any legal advice without assembling and evaluating all available information.
Immediately engage an attorney that can advise you from a base of knowledge and experience in cases of this type.
Before making any decisions be sure to fully understand the meaning and repercussions of "voluntary placement." Can it be revoked?
By what process of logic did a state agency place a teenage girl in the home of her boyfriend? If she and her boyfriend are having sex, are they in violation of any state laws? If he is 18 is there statutory rape. Are the host parents contributing to improper conduct, delinquency, rape? Did the agent and agency satisfy due diligence in selecting the home? If voluntary placement is revoked, what responsibility befalls the boy friend and his parents? According to some research I have done and reported in other columns, they may have to assume financial responsibility and be responsible for conduct occurring in their household or purview. Were his parents questioned and informed of their responsibilities? Does the agent have all proper forms and questionnaires on record? Were they reviewed and approved by a senior officer, administrator or judge? Were you encouraged, permitted or forbidden to confer with the host family? Were you improperly pressured, fully informed, or simply asked to sign your child away? What legal pressures or lawsuits can be brought against an agent or agency that fails in the proper execution of its sworn duties? Lots of question to be answered.
The Independent Living Program has to come under the same scrutiny. If she gets her own apartment are statutory rape laws suspended? By what process of logic can the state take her out of a parental household (now agreed wholesome) and place her in unsupervised circumstances. I think a good attorney can punch a lot of holes in the existing game plan.
If your daughter asks for visitation rights, perhaps supervised visitation with younger siblings would be a way to keep in touch. Based upon your portrayal of her, I doubt she would make it an issue. Don't fight it; offer it. Tactically, opened arms beats closed doors. Children of all ages can be asked for testimony but a presiding judge would decide the weight of their statements. To my knowledge they have no specific "rights." I doubt this case will go that far.
I know you are hurting but she is still a kid - your baby. Most people mature as they age, some never do, some get worse. If you can find it through the hurt, don't close the door completely. She has 5 siblings. If you disconnect completely with your daughter, you might send a message to your children that THEY should ignore her. Don't force your kids to chose between their mother and their sister. I know you are hurt and angry but I urge you to reflect upon your Christianity. He forgave because, "They know not what they do."
If you chose, grant her emancipation (legally disown) and be free of obligation, fight against support, win all the legal arguments, but do not take Love off the table.
Everybody's Uncle
