CONTROL OR BE CONTROLLED

hey-

["Hey" is the standard greeting among kids on the Internet. It is not intentionally disrespectful.]

I am in love with this guy and he tells me he loves me too, but I don't know. I am confused about it all.

We just broke up because he was at his friend Chris's house and I was at my friend Claire's house. We were all online on Claire's and Chris's screen names and Chris and Claire were talking (IMing). Chris said "Claire, me, and Mike..." (Mike's my boyfriend) "...thought you looked really hot today" and I got really mad because I'm sitting right there and my boyfriend is hitting on my best friend. So I got online and asked him what he was doing. He made it seem like it wasn't a big deal and he told me to shut up and he told me I was gay.

I got really mad and I dumped him. Then I cried all night and I talked to him the next day. He said that it wasn't him who was talking and that it was Chris. I believe him but we were still online and he was about to ask me to be his girl friend again when I put my away message on and he IMed it to my away message. He got mad and took it as if I didn't care or that I didn't want to go out anymore and said, "fine its over" and signed off.

Then, later that day, I went to go check if I got any IM's and I saw that and I have been trying to get in touch with him for the past day and I cant, I called his cell, his house, his dad's house, even his grandma's house and none of them are picking up. I e-mailed him telling him what happened and telling him I loved him and all this stuff hoping he would understand but he didn't respond to me. Please help me. I don't know what to do.
 
-Jaime

Dear Jaime,

Your inquiry requires the next to impossible task of communicating over the adult to teen communication gap.

First, some facts. "Love" at 15 is virtually unheard of. Can you supply a list of successful marriages or long lasting relationships that begin at age 15? You can't, I can't, and statistics can't either. What you call "love" could be, more accurately, defined as youthful hormonal interaction or passing infatuation.

You might want to ask some really old people of, say, 21-24 how many times they were "in love" before they attained near senior citizen age of 21. Mom and Dad, the out of touch pleasure deprivers that house, cloth, feed, indulge and LOVE you more than life itself, could be consulted - but, what do they know? If my memory serves me correctly, weren't you all bubbly about someone else only a few months ago?

Everybody's Uncle advises everyone to recognize both their emotional side and their logical side. Then, in effect, divide themselves into two entities. With both sides recognized, which will rule? The briefest study of people ruled by their emotions reveals a disregard for logic and a road to disaster. The logical side recognizes emotions but weighs consequences before taking action.

Presenting teens with wisdom, facts, historical perspectives, statistics, cold data - no matter how lovingly presented, falls, for the most part, on deaf ears. The most effective way to bring about change in anyone, young or old, is to seed internal conflict. Pit their logic against their emotion and hope for the best.

Uncle Jim's profile of Jaime:

Bright kid, nice kid. ["Kid," used affectionately - much like, "hey"]
Does well or could do well in school.
Does not or can not communicate effectively with parents.
Can not distinguish between "love" and hormones.
Has zero understanding of the male mindset
Does not know why her boyfriend called her "gay."

Let me attempt to create internal conflict by appealing to the "bright kid" in your profile.
Do you want to be in control or be controlled?
Would you prefer to be pushed around by boys or have them begging for your attention?
Can you control things better if you understand the "nature of the beast" or just go on teen instinct?
Do you know why your boyfriend called you "gay?"

Now that I have you thinking, let Uncle Jim provide you [as previously posted] with the "nature of the beast."

Men (males) are Hormones, Egos, and Babies.

This simple piece of information should be obvious to all females, but is rarely understood as the nature of the beast. The "bright kid" part of you will accept this immediately. But will you use it to your advantage?

Male hormones send them on a mission. They will say anything, do anything, lie, accuse, deny or employ any tactic that will satisfy their hormonal quest. Females can have as many males as they wish by accommodating male hormones. The questions are - reputation and consequences.

Mike told you to "shut up" and called you "gay," - a tactic pure and simple. You did not satisfy his hormones, therefore, there is something wrong with you. He threw an untrue insult at you. (Is this love, or maleness in action?} Then you dumped him - sort of. Then he dumped you - sort of. Then you cried. Then you begged. Is this my niece, Jamie, in control or being controlled?   

Male egos have a connected but different mission. Boys often create conquests that never happened. Embellish successful ventures and reduce to street rumble past "love" affairs that went wrong.

Perspective: He has been all over the board, flirting, lying, and name-calling. You are crying begging and calling all over the place only to get no answer.

You have a choice to make - take charge of your life or allow male hormones and egos to control you.

What to do. Take a deep breath, put all your emotions aside, seek no contact. Refuse IM's because anyone can be on the other side of the screen. When he calls, and he will, tell him (politely) that his words and conduct offended you, and perhaps it would be better if you just remained friends. Say nothing more.

Now study his behavior. If he is nice guy, he will apologize and you will be in control. If ugly stories hit the gossip mill he is a low life and you are far better off without him.

In a best case logical scenario, you will have boys groveling for your affections. In a worst case emotional scenario you will be passed around from hormone to hormone.

Control or be controlled. The choice is yours.

Here if you need fine tuning,

Everybody's Uncle