Control Freak Mom
Uncle Jim,
I don't know why [a friend] wants me to write in because I really don't think that much can be done in my situation. It seems that I am right at the age when everyone stops caring about you and no one respects you. I'm nineteen years old and about to be a sophomore in college. I have so many frustrations; I don't even know where to begin. I just know that most of them originate with my mother.
My mother is a complete control freak. Not only does she feel the need to control every move any of her nine children (myself included), but everyone around her. She speaks to people like 'they just don't get it'. For my entire life, she decided what I 'liked' and what I 'did not'. She even picked the college I'm attending. They don't even have the major I want to study. She wants me to be able to get a job straight from college, which I can understand, and teaching is supposedly a guaranteed thing. I really don't think anything is guaranteed. She seems to think so and so that is what I studied my first year.
I absolutely detested it (probably more so because my mother wanted it so badly), so I told her there was no way I wanted to teach. I'm going to try and transfer out of my school and go somewhere else but she'll want the same hold on me when I graduated high school. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. My college is way too close to home, so naturally, I'm not in the dorms - too much money.
Though thankfully I will be moving on shortly, my mother and I get into huge blown out fights. She's not only a control freak, but she can never be wrong - even when the facts are staring her in the face, she's got me working four jobs and taking a summer class - she wants me to apply for another job. If people don't do exactly as she says - all hell breaks loose. I can see where she could get crazy if all nine of us were doing the exact opposite of what she wants - but she never considered that one day after she adopted seven kids - they would all turn into teenagers one day.
I have an older sister (she was adopted) who had it far worse than I do/did. She was kicked out/moved in with my dad and stepmom upon graduating high school and never went to college. She is now working two jobs, is overweight, and has no one to turn to because my dad eventually got sick of supporting her. I don't want to end up like that. I think I speak for all my siblings when I say - she can't be dealt with anymore. She's actually made me so angry and so depressed, that at moments, I didn't think I could go on with life. There is a whole history here that I can't express in one email - so for this one - how would you deal with this? She's making me crazy! Please help.
(unsigned)
Unsigned,
[I will respond in segments.]
“I don't know why [a friend] wants me to write in because I really don't think that much can be done in my situation. It seems that I am right at the age when everyone stops caring about you and no one respects you. I'm nineteen years old and about to be a sophomore in college. I have so many frustrations; I don't even know where to begin. I just know that most of them originate with my mother.”
My mother is a complete control freak. Not only does she feel the need to control every move any of her nine children (myself included), but everyone around her. She speaks to people like 'they just don't get it'. For my entire life, she decided what I 'liked' and what I 'did not'. She even picked the college I'm attending. They don't even have the major I want to study. She wants me to be able to get a job straight from college, which I can understand, and teaching is supposedly a guaranteed thing. I really don't think anything is guaranteed. She seems to think so and so that is what I studied my first year.”
[Many things can be done. It is a matter of how much personal responsibility you are ready to assume. You are of legal age to walk out at any time. Staying is a matter of choice. Bite the bullet or remain under the “whip.” I break down control freaks into three categories:
1. Overly Protective – they mean well but impose their will usually by controlling the purse strings.
2. Blind – they simply do not see the necessity of allowing people to make their own decisions.
3. Demented - control is everything neither logic nor consequences enter the equation.
{Uncle observations not supported by any clinical studies.}
Control freaks are difficult to sway. Removing yourself is usually the easier task. Defiance usually brings havoc to all the siblings. Leaving also has negative impact on siblings; you have to make a difficult choice. Save yourself (you can) or endure for the benefit of your siblings. Fighting the battle at home has been futile in every case I have seen, but it is always a possibility.
REALITY CHECK. As long as mom is paying for college she has the legitimate right to decide where, how, and if HER money will be spent.
As a by-product of living under control you remain to some degree in “kid” mode. You want your freedom but you want to be supported. You want to pick your school, but you want her to pay for it.
That said, I don’t believe parents should pick careers. If you love your work you will excel, if you hate it, you might have a life of misery, or change direction and essentially start from scratch. From the outside looking in, teaching stinks! You are under constant control (you would love that) – pay is very mediocre – kids are out of control – parents blame you and sue you for everything. Teaching stinks! Every teacher I know has either quit, retired, or wants to. If you are not in love with teaching (some are) – bad choice.]
“I absolutely detested it (probably more so because my mother wanted it so badly), so I told her there was no way I wanted to teach. I'm going to try and transfer out of my school and go somewhere else but she'll want the same hold on me when I graduated high school. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. My college is way too close to home, so naturally, I'm not in the dorms - too much money.
Though thankfully I will be moving on shortly, my mother and I get into huge blown out fights. She's not only a control freak, but she can never be wrong - even when the facts are staring her in the face, she's got me working four jobs and taking a summer class - she wants me to apply for another job. If people don't do exactly as she says - all hell breaks loose. I can see where she could get crazy if all nine of us were doing the exact opposite of what she wants - but she never considered that one day after she adopted seven kids - they would all turn into teenagers one day.”
[When is shortly – where – and under what conditions? Facts do not work on the ultra–stubborn, closed mind, totally illogical, air tight, constipated, control freaks. There are tactics that can turn the tables emotionally – a topic for another time. I have never seen “MUTINY OF THE SIBLINGS” but it would make a great movie.]
“I have an older sister (she was adopted) who had it far worse than I do/did. She was kicked out/moved in with my dad and stepmom upon graduating high school and never went to college. She is now working two jobs, is overweight, and has no one to turn to because my dad eventually got sick of supporting her. I don't want to end up like that. I think I speak for all my siblings when I say - she can't be dealt with anymore. She's actually made me so angry and so depressed, that at moments, I didn't think I could go on with life. There is a whole history here that I can't express in one email - so for this one - how would you deal with this? She's making me crazy! Please help.”
[Seems like mom’s management had one catastrophe already, and you are in the “batter’s box.”
I have no magic that will make all this well. I do not want you to end up like your sister. There are ways to minimize frustration. Some decision has to be made on your part. Some people enlist in the military for a needed transition period, educational assistance, and an excellent credential. Some move out, get a job, and build careers while working.
“College” is a concept of the last half century that has to be examined in today’s light. “College” today is often 4 more years of high school with parties and breaks much the fabric of goalless education. “College” is as much a business as an institution - The Hallowed Halls have Hollowed.
Here is a tactic you can use. Tell mom that you have an independent third party on line that is willing to render an opinion on differences in your household. If she agrees you will get that independent opinion. If she declines, every time you have a disagreement you can say, “Wanna ask Uncle Jim.”]
Drives stubborn people crazy,
Everybody’s Uncle
