CLEAR SIGHT vs PARASITE

Hi,
   I'm not really sure how to explain my situation, but here goes nothing. I'm 18 years old, and I have been dating this guy for two months now, and I already feel like we're married. He's a nice guy, but sometimes I wonder if he's being too nice.  He wants to spend all of his time with me, and I think that's what is holding him back from getting a job (hasn't had a job since we started going together). 

In a way, I feel like he's holding me back.  When I talk to him about going to college or wanting to get out in the world and make a life for myself, he always gets really quiet and sulky. Whether it be something coming up on the weekend or more long term, he wants to know if he's coming along so he can "protect me".  This discourages me a little. I don't want to be protected, and I've tried to explain it many times that I was independent before we met and nothing bad ever happened. He's smothering me, but it's so hard to tell him with out him feeling bad about it, which in the end makes me feel like a jerk. I don't want to hurt his feelings, since I'm his first serious relationship, but I know what heart ache is like and it happens to everyone. I guess what I'm trying to ask you is, do you think the way he is acting can be fixed? Can I get him to understand that he needs to live his own life and have fun without me?  I'm sorry for rambling and probably confusing you, but I want to know what you have to say about this.  One more thing. Is is normal to think about breaking up with someone but then act like there is nothing wrong and still tell them you love them? 
Thanks.,

   Michelle

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Michelle,

You are showing  SOME maturity for your age – you are considering having LOGIC prevail over EMOTION.
Here is the uncleism to keep in mind as you read this response:
[Men are Hormones, Egos, and Babies. Women are Emotions, Emotions and Emotions.]

Michelle:
I'm 18 years old, and I have been dating this guy for two months now, and I already feel like we're married. He's a nice guy, but sometimes I wonder if he's being too nice.  He wants to spend all of his time with me, and I think that's what is holding him back from getting a job (hasn't had a job since we started going together).

Uncle:
Of course he’s a nice guy, he wants your attention.  Making the transition from child to adult is not a matter of age. It is about becoming your own person – entirely self-supporting. As long as young people are living at home and not working, they remain “children.” If you are making the transition from dependent child to independent adult the last thing you need is unemployed dead weight dragging you down. Young MEN seek careers and challenging young women; young BOYS seek vulnerable young girls.  If things stay the way they are you will be supporting him for the rest of your life. Lazy people tend to get lazier and blame someone else – guess your role here.

Michelle:   
 In a way, I feel like he's holding me back. When I talk to him about going to college or wanting to get out in the world and make a life for myself, he always gets really quiet and sulky.

Uncle:
Read the above paragraph again and realize the difference between your ambition and his lack thereof.

Michelle:
Whether it be something coming up on the weekend or more long term, he wants to know if he's coming along so he can "protect me".

 
Uncle:
Tell him as long as his parents are protecting him with shelter and food, he should take steps to protect himself from the realities of survival before he decides to protect you or anyone else. What he wants to protect you from is the attention of other males. You know that, don’t you?

Michelle:
 This discourages me a little. I don't want to be protected, and I've tried to explain it many times that I was independent before we met and nothing bad ever happened.  He's smothering me, but it's so hard to tell him without him feeling bad about it, which in the end makes me feel like a jerk.

 
Uncle:
Doctors have to tell people they are going to die; I am sure they feel badly but that is their job. So be very very polite when you tell “His Laziness” to get a job and call you in 5 years when he has established himself. Tell him he is wonderful but you might want to have kids someday and they will need a dad to support them, (in other words, has a job.) Maybe he will get the... err... hint!

Michelle:
I don't want to hurt his feelings, since I'm his first serious relationship, but I know what heart ache is like and it happens to everyone.

Uncle:
Heartache is relative sweet niece. Unless you’ve experienced the death of a loved one, debilitating ailments, unemployment, and poverty – you are probably not an expert. It’s wonderful to worry about people’s feelings but did you give some thought to your parent’s feelings when they see you involved with an unemployed parasite?

Michelle:
I don't want to hurt his feelings, since I'm his first serious relationship, but I know what heart ache is like and it happens to everyone.

Uncle:
How can anyone have serious a relationship when they are not serious enough to take an interest in themselves? True, heartache does happen to everyone. He might have avoided this one if he had something to offer besides…ahem…”protection.”

Michelle:
I guess what I'm trying to ask you is, do you think the way he is acting can be fixed?

Uncle:
Theoretically, anything can be fixed. Will he fix it? Probably not. Can you fix it? Definitely not.

Michelle:
Can I get him to understand that he needs to live his own life and have fun without me?

Uncle:
Not likely, but you can make him face that reality and perhaps do him the favor of his life.

Michelle:
One more thing.  Is it normal to think about breaking up with someone but then act like there is nothing wrong and still tell them you love them?

Uncle:
There is a lot wrong with it. First, it’s dishonest. Love is the ultimate approval of another person. Second, it’s immature. Feelings can materialize overnight; love develops over a long period of time after many trials.
Third, you are at a point in your life where good decisions can lead to education, employment, independence, and self-definition. Bad decisions can be minimizing in the short run or crippling in the long run.
[Emotions will take you in the wrong direction 90% of the time.]
It is not selfish to put yourself and your concerns above his need to cling. I think you have the potential to become a strong individual. If or when you do, parasites will have no appeal. His appeal now is emotional. Don’t be blinded by it.
As I say at the end of every show, “Think and be formidable!”

Everybody’s Uncle