CATFIGHT

[Uncle Jim's comments are interspersed in brackets]

[The following inquiry displays the weakness of an argument that violates a General Rule of debate.

Do not use an assumption as underpinning for an argument. Assumptions may be accurate but are assumptions nonetheless. A worthy debater can focus on an assumption and, with honed debating skills, debunk the mechanism and muddy the underlying reality.

Attorneys win cases by offering proof where the counterpart offers assumption or biased conclusion. Bring facts to an argument. Assumptions are easy prey for the skilled debater.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everybody's uncle,

I have known this woman for almost 40 years. I am very close to her twin sister. I am 45 years old. She asked me to go for a walk with her on a Sunday. I was very excited to visit with her, as her schedule is very busy, as is mine. I E-mailed her saying how excited I was, and that I was going to make dinner, bought some wine, and was really looking forward to our visit.

[She asked for a walk. You changed her invitation to include dinner.]

On the appointed Sunday, she still hadn't called at 11 AM, so I called her. She was still in bed with her lover, and said she would go for a walk, but she was bringing her lover.

[You invited Katy (below). She invited her boy friend. You are annoyed. You assumed girls only. She didn't. You are annoyed.]

Well, I assumed it was a girls day out, and I said "Oh" to which she said, "I can't leave my guy" sort of smugly.

[Assumed! "Smugly," is your impression.]

Let me add that she enjoys telling all of us about how much, what kind, and where at, she has sex with this guy. Secretly, we wonder why she brags (me and 5 other women friends).

[Secretly? Among six women? Could this be gossip? What relevance does it have in this forum?]

Anyway, our friend Katy and I went for a walk without her. I was really upset that once again she chumped me. So when she invited me over later in the week, I told her:

[Instead of accepting her tacit apology, invitation and possible opportunity for discussion, you moved to the, "I'll show her," mode]

Dear Lisa-

In the original letter you sent, you asked me to go for a walk with the
dogs. After almost 40 years of friendship, I assume when you ask me to go for
a walk you don't mean with your guy as well.


[Assume! Dramatic violins swell in the background playing, "If This is Friendship."]

I mean really, [adds to drama] when the girls are planning something, someone always clarifies, "is it for the guys too?" If men were to be included, I assume you would have asked me AND Jeff to go for a walk. So, when you don't ask Jeff to go as well, I can only assume it is a girl thing. Which is why I invited Katy, since the three of us always have so much fun when we walk together.

[Assume! She asked you to go for a walk. You added dinner and Katy. Maybe she and Katy are catfighting. Maybe she wanted to have some private time with you.]

Especially when it's us and the dogs. The last time we walked together with the dogs, it was us two, and before that, it was Katy as well. I called Carol as well, but she was unavailable.

[She invited you. You added Katy and Carol to the walk. This was her invite not yours!]

I was really really hurt at your glib reply.

[One "really" is really enough. Glib is your impression. Crank up violins.]

You see me only once every couple of months and you cannot seem to be without Rodney for two maybe three hours to connect with old friends. I was almost in tears over it.

[Violins to crescendo....pooooooooor me! You see HER only once every couple of months but you invited Katy and Carol. I would write the tears out of the script.]

So, please don't be coy. You blew it. I certainly am trying not to say anything that would hurt your feelings, okay?

[You are not trying but you are succeeding nicely.]

I need to cool off for a while because I am so offended by your behavior, so I must say that I am sorry, I won't be able to join you this week.

[Gee Beaver...do you think I'm overplaying my hand?]

[Let the catfight continue.]

This is what she replied with:

It's always about you right! Plans have to made your way, your timing your everything; well frankly I'm sick of it. When you can grow up and not be so controlling I'll want to do something with you too.

[Snarl, scratch, hiss...]


I like spending time with Rodney, I spent my entire marriage to Mark making "other plans." I don't want to be in a relationship that I can't wait to get away from. You seem very bitter and sour. Maybe you should look at ways of becoming happier.

[...hiss...snarl...scratch...]

So, in conclusion. I tried to let her know that I thought her reply to me was out of line, but she just doesn't get it. She sent me some jokes as though nothing was the matter, and I told her that I couldn't allow her to treat me like a doormat, to which she replied "I think you need someone to be your doormat". So I gave up.

[...hiss...doormat...snarl...doormat...]

I blocked her e-mails, and I won't have anything to do with her. She tells people she resents me for not going to her birthday party.

[hiss...block...birthday party...hiss...hiss]

She claims I brag about my salary (not true-that would be impolite; but I do live in a nice house and have some nice things, but I am merely a letter carrier for the USPS, and we drive very used cars and don't vacation much except for camping) I am not the only person she has known for so long that has seen her personality deteriorate, her twin is included, and two other very old close friends. What do we do?

[...hiss...poor me...hiss...twin...hiss...hiss]

[Unsigned,]

-- -- -- -- -- -- --

Dear Unsigned, Lisa, Katy, Carol and Jeff,

This is adolescent catfighting at its finest. She, discussing her sex life with semi-friends who post it on the Internet, is a tribute to multiple-immaturity. How this relationship endured for 40 years challenges Einstein's theory of "relationshiptivity."

Friendships, at the adult level, are based upon mutual trust and respect. None of us are perfect; each will fail on occasion. It is the magnitude, frequency, and consequences of the failings that define a relationship. You can elect to ignore, minimize or tolerate petty failings or exaggerate them to terminal velocity. Somewhere in the middle is corrosive gossip-fat. Who should have known what about appointments, boy friends, dinners, walks, and dogs is subject to the perspective of the catfighter at bat. Parents deal with this when the twins make claim to one of a pair of identical rattles.

Her sex life, your salary, her twin, and your friends, are barely tangential to the broken appointment of your complaint. A general rule of problem resolution is defining the problem as narrowly as possible, not bringing everything but next week's weather forecast into the fray.

The endless trail of I said, she said, in your post does nothing toward resolution.

This might:

Define yourself.

Is my level of integrity, commitment and track record such that I can attract and cling to FRIENDS with similar high standards?

Do I put minor transgressions of ACQUAINTANCES into proper perspective?

Do I wallow in the gossip and infighting that offers no promise but more of the same?

Regrettably, most of your inquiry falls into the last category. Many postures follow the word "assume." Assumptions are not facts.

You might want to sit with your peers and move toward an adult level of friendship. You can set rules about confidentiality, trust, positive critique and all that is good and holy. Or you can each grab a pacifier and run to your corner of the sandbox.

Everybody's Uncle