CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY

Hello,
My name is Danielle and I am from California. I'm sixteen years old and wish to move out. My parents opened the option to my brothers who are younger and recently made their wish to move out public, however they were adopted, therefor they have different reasons than me. My friend's family wishes to adopt me, but I was wondering if there was a faster way than emancipation or anything like that. If maybe there was just some papers to sign or how the best way to go about this is because I hate staying at home.

{UNCLE JIM REQUESTED ADDITIONAL INFORMATION}

My brothers are in a lot trouble for things like grades and they are just ridiculous and talk back. They have attitudes that are not acceptable. They were adopted and believe that my parents treat them differently because of that, however they are the only boys and are the only kids with their attitudes. They told my parents that they want to leave and my parents have always said that if they want to, go ahead but they will not be coming back and they must get another adult to take the financial obligations that they come with. I would like to move out because my family is not me. I am different from them all and do not fit in. I am the middle of seven and I do get into trouble sometimes, normal teenager stuff, but my parents over react. I have an adult who would take full financial responsibility for me but I am not sure how to go about it. I just can't stay here anymore it is hard to explain and is very complicated but I know that I can't stay here.

{UNCLE JIM ASKED IF THE ADULT WAS A BOYFRIEND}

No, the adult is my best friend's parents. All of my friend's parents feel that I should move out and have all offered to take me in.

Danielle

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Dear Danielle,

Thank you for the inquiry and the additional information I requested. I was concerned about your brothers being given the option to leave. Unless there is more than a parents bluff to consider I will hold the thought aside for the purpose of answering your inquiry. Many teenage girls think of an 18-year-old boyfriend as an adult. Your vagueness prompted the related question.

Please be cautious about statements regarding treatment at home. With some of the abuse horror stories we hear all too often, I was alerted.

Please refer to other questions about leaving home at various ages. The simple guideline is that parents have the right to determine place of residence. To leave prior to 18 usually requires legal emancipation.

Let's clear some of the smoke at least from my eyes. Many teenagers think they have unbearable living conditions. (Go down the checklist on one of the other inquires for a reality check.) Sometimes parents of friends mean well when they invite kids to live with them but they too need a reality check. Having responsibility for your own kids is a challenge. Taking responsibility for your kid's friend requires due diligence and a thorough understanding and agreement between both families. That said, there is nothing to my knowledge that disallows such an arrangement. I would strongly recommend an attorney's review prior to housing an unrelated child.

I suggest that you sit with your parents and make an effort to connect. Parents are not perfect. They don't always realize that when they say they "and don't come back" the kids hear, "you hate me." This is often a doubly sensitive issue for adopted kids.

I am a tough uncle. Tough on kids but tougher on parents. They should never, never, never, take love off the table. That is exactly what happens when parents say things they don't mean. When they yell instead of communicate. Kids have to know that they are loved. Smart parents should end every discussion with something like, "Yes we are angry with one another, but I love you." A big hug should end every day, good ones and bad ones. The rules are the same for parents and kids, but parents are the role models and have the higher obligation to be good role models. They must provide a household where kids feel safe, protected, and loved - NOT UNWANTED!

Life is tough, work is tough, and raising a family is tough - none of which excuses, all too common, poor parenting. It is no wonder that my web page is filled with kids that want out.

Here for you; here for your parents.
Everybody's Uncle