CALL HER IRRESPONSIBLE

My 34 year old sister is forever "borrowing" money from our mother, who is on a fixed income.  Even when she pays her back, she is borrowing again a few days later.  Not more than 2 weeks go by without her asking for money to cover her and her boyfriend's rent, car insurance, food, etc. 

They just got married on a Caribbean island and she called frantically for our mother to wire them $500 to cover "the extra's" not included in their all inclusive package. This has been going on her entire life.  I keep telling my mother that she is doing my sister no favors by enabling her this way, and even though my mother agrees with me and promises to stop, she continues to do so anyway. She seems to only blame my sister's husband for their irresponsible behavior, since he is forever out of work, even though he is a licensed plumber.  He claims that work is slow.  Unfortunately he has the same irresponsible behavior with enabling family members as well.

Our mother is not in the best of health, and I worry about her, as she does not need this kind of stress in her life.  My sister and I have a good relationship and she does not know that I am aware of any of this nonsense.  My sister is actually a very kind person in most every way, and is adored by my children, so I do not want to tarnish the relationship by speaking to her.   But she needs to learn to be financially independent. How can I protect my mother when she keeps caving in, even after continually promising to stop.

Thanks for any advice you may have for me.

Concerned daughter and sister

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Dear Concerned,

Have you ever heard the old saying, “If it’s not broke don’t fix it?”

That may be the case here.

[Uncleism: The world is not a perfect place.]

You seem to have good working relationships with your sister and your mom. Keep it that way. While I am sure your concern for both is genuine, your focus may be blurry.

You state that your sister has been borrowing “her entire life.” She also seems to pay back the money she borrows. This has no mentioned effect on you. Should you be seriously concerned?

Your concerned about the stress on you mom. Your mom has endured this condition for a lifetime. She has not bolted; maybe it does not bother her as much as you think. The fact that you take a position against your sister might also be causing stress. What is better, stress from one daughter or two?

Most people these days use a credit card to satisfy short term borrowing needs. A call to wire money to an island seems ludicrous.

Maybe mom could urge your sister to use MasterCard and take Mom Card out of the loop.

Mom could also set up a debit card for your sister with a limited amount of cash available. Your sister could draw and deposit money taking some annoyance out of the transactions.

It is easier and better to address finance than personality.

Moms have the wonderful ability to love their children in spite of their faults. You have the good sense to maintain a “good relationship” with your sister by not mentioning your objections to her. Doesn’t mom have the same right to put love over finance?

Sure, mom gets upset when you point out your sister’s financial folly, but mom still has the right to decide what she will tolerate and what she will not.

You are critical of your mother’s tolerance. You are critical of your sister’s borrowing. You are critical of your brother-in-law’s laziness.  If and when your concerns make it through the grapevine they will ALL be critical of your “busybodyness.” Even calculated and caring comment can be seen as stone throwing from other perspectives.

[Uncleism: It’s not what I say, it’s what you hear.]

Excel in the roles of, daughter, sister, wife and mother to your children. You have enough on your plate without being “busybody” to the immediate world. Your mom has the right to lend. Your sister has the right to borrow. Your brother-in-law has a right to be lazy. You have no right to interfere because none of it effects you to any serious degree.

[Uncleism; Adults do not tell other adults what to do.]

I’m sure you have heard the advice: “Change the things you can change…Accept the things you cannot change…And have the wisdom to know the difference”

Good advice,

Everybody’s Uncle