BURIED IN BABIES
Everybody’s Uncle,
My name is Katherine, I will be 16 in August. I am temporarily living with my sister at the time. My mom doesn’t have any heat at her house so she is staying with my step-dad. I don’t want to stay here too much longer, I baby sit 4 kids everyday I don’t have a life. The only time I can go out is if my friend Jamie goes out and she only goes out on Saturday nights. She is 17 years old. When she turns 18, which will be in May, she is moving out of her parent's house and going to be living on her own. She wants me to move in with her and I want to move in also. My mother doesn’t want me to move out because I’m the baby and all. But my mom let's people come into our house and she doesn’t put down any rules for them. She lets everyone walk over top of her and she doesn’t realize that I’m suffering from it. I stay stressed out all the time and I feel out of place in my own home. I don’t want to live with my sister or my mom any longer than I have to...what can I do? If I go get emancipated when I turn 16 how will things go in court? Will they look at my mom and think that she's a bad person?
(Katherine)
Katherine,
Responding to your situation and requests requires balancing various elements that are in conflict. Uncle Jim is going to present various views with the hope that you will find wisdom beyond your years before you make a bad situation far worse.
Condition:
Stuck baby sitting for 4 kids.
Perspective:
(A) You feel put upon because they are not your kids, it is tough work, there is no pay for a full time job, and you have no freedom.
(B) You are learning the difficulty and skill of parenting that will serve you well in the future.
(C) If you move out of your sister’s house, what happens to the kids? Day care? Public assistance? Foster homes?
(4) You can get even with mom for your circumstances, but what will hers be like if you leave? Do you think mom loves you? Do you love her?
(5) You are a central figure of the family. What happens if you leave the kids and mom without a central figure?
Condition:
Moving in with a friend
Perspectives:
(1) Sounds great, but statistics and Uncle experience indicate that it doesn’t work. Neither brother teams, nor sister teams, nor boyfriend/girlfriend teams, nor best friends have good track records.
(2) Households run on rules. Do you know any businesses run by teenagers? Do you know of any stable households run by teenagers?
(3) Households run on money. Rent, food, clothes, transportation, health insurance (if emancipated you may have no coverage), school costs, phone, electric, computer, entertainment, etc. Do you have means of support?
(4) School is still required. How will you meet household obligations and attend school. What about college?
Condition:
Emancipation
Perspectives:
(1) You don’t just apply for emancipation; you have to show cause and personal capability. Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse along with neglect and endangerment are considered. Baby sitting and “I have no life,” might not cut it.
(2) Parents have the right to tell you where to live until you are legal age or emancipated. However, failure to provide a livable home will get her no points in court. Your sister could request custody and your testimony would be heard. What’s worse, mom’s house or sister’s?
(3) If emancipated, parents owe you NOTHING – ZERO – ZIP. You are totally on your own – think twice.
(4) If you accuse mom of any of the above, to say the least, she will look BAD.
Now you have the facts.
It is up to you to give full weight to every perspective. If you think you can make it on your own, I wish you the best of luck.
If mom will talk to me, I would be happy to hear what she has to say.
If you can sit down with mom, show her this information and negotiate some free time or better conditions (minus the people that take advantage) - that might be best for all.
If you don’t know already - [life is not a perfect place]. You have been dealt some pretty tough “cards” to play (but many are far worse off). You might do well to think of this part of your life as basic training. If you can hang in there, help your sister and the kids, negotiate with mom, and accept the exchange of present training for future rewards, you will always have the personal satisfaction of having done the best you could when times were hard. You will be a stronger and wiser person, perhaps wise enough to learn from the mistakes of your parents and strong enough to build a secure home before having children of your own.
Education is all around you. What mistakes were made by mom, sister, and friends because they followed their instincts instead of common sense? Don’t repeat those errors. Need fine tuning? Uncle Jim is always available with no-nonsense opinions.
Some kids turn to drugs, run away, or become savages; you have not. That in itself deserves high praise.
Hey mom, you have a great kid! Work with her. Make it work for both of you.
Everybody’s Uncle
