BEST FRIEND HAVING AFFAIR

Everybody's Uncle:

My best friend told me she was having an affair, and is in love with this other man, but won't leave her husband because the new man doesn't make as much money as her husband. My husband and I have been best friends with this couple for over 4 years, we are more like family than friends.

Her telling me this has caused her and I to become less friendly, I just can't do things with this couple because I feel so guilty around her husband. My husband is his best friend, and I know if I tell my husband, he's going to tell.

My friend tells her husband that we had a petty argument that's why we're not seeing each other as much, but her husband and mine are getting pretty suspicious...I mean we used to be together every weekend, now maybe we're together once a month.

What really bothers me is the fact that her husband does everything for her, treats her like a queen and I think if he was a jerk to her, I wouldn't feel so guilty knowing what I know. I'm so afraid that she's going to get found out, then her husband will find out I knew and hate me for not telling him.

She's just really making him look like a chump (and I tell her this) and she says it would be different if her boyfriend made more money, she'd leave her husband and child.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but my insides are turning over when my husband says something about this couple, or when I run into them...any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[unsigned]

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Dear Niece,

Your conscience is in the right place but let's focus on priorities.

How much value should you place upon saving a friendship with a woman (I'll call her, Suzie) that would leave her husband (I'll call him, Sal) and CHILD if her boyfriend had more money?

[Jimism: "If she does it to him, she will do it to me."]

If she has no loyalty to her husband and child, what can mere friends expect? How would you feel about trusting her with your money, or your child, or your husband? Maybe she thinks he is cute too!

Your relationship with "Suzie" has already deteriorated and may flame out in the near future. You are clinging to the emotion and circumstance of a four-year bonding, not a genuine friendship. Knowing what you know, if you met "Suzie" tomorrow, would a strong friendship develop?

Suzie is violating your (and society's) moral code...the stronger your code, the less likely you will continue to endure her follies.

Suzie, has a great husband and innocent child, but the mindset of a teenager. The pathetic scenario of "Suzie" leaving "Sal" and her child for the man of her screams - if he had more money - is the stuff of a high school soap opera called, "Sophomore - or Less"

Encourage "Suzie" to rethink her position and repair the damage before all the "stuff" hits the fan. Focus on the harm she is doing to her husband and child that love her.

Emphasize, she may wind up with the poor boy by default. She may lose Sal, her child, her friends, and perhaps her family. Tell Suzie to wake up! Also, back alley lovers tend to take off when faced with turmoil and/or responsibility. Suzie personifies both.

Informing your husband or not, is your judgment. Some men handle these situations well; some do not.

It is likely that Suzie's infidelity will surface. Protecting "Susie" may raise questions in your husband's mind - you don't need that. Will you lie? Will you be indicted in some way?

Some confidences should fall to a higher calling. Protecting Sal and child, the innocents, is on a higher plane than protecting "Suzie," the guilty. You don't have to spell out "Suzie's" story in black, white and scarlet letters. You can use your womanly ability to tell without telling.

What would your husband do if he were informed? Men think twice or more before making any decision on such sensitive information. Nothing is more devastating to a man than to have his friends know of his wife's wanderings. Most men would eat the silence rather than confront a friend with such information.

Would your husband misuse information you gave him in the strictest marital confidence? A mature man and good friend could help Sal and his child in a roundabout manner. The teamwork of you and your husband could help save Suzie and Sal's marriage. Your man, your game plan, your call.

"Sal," if informed, might choose denial over accepting the unacceptable. This bombshell to "Sal's" ego and his confrontation with "Suzie" would fracture your association with them. Sal and Suzie, to salvage their marriage, would probably move out of town. The friendship then falls to emotional and geographic divides.


I don't think "Sal" will hate you if and when he finds out. You sent a clear signal by reducing contact. Let "Suzie" answer whatever questions arise. "Play your hand" to your husband. Be sure you are not indicted in any cover-up. If it goes nuclear - misery loves company. "Suzie" may paint you the bad guy in desperate defense or try to take you down out of anger or frustration.

Direct your actions to aiding Sal and his child. Secure your marriage. Suzie needs help too, but she is the perpetrator, all others are victims of her poor judgement. Suzie needs an uncle to confront her with stark reality, in a proper perspective, with all the dire consequences.

Good luck,

Everybody's Uncle